My body betrayed me in ways I never thought possible
I can’t eat, I can’t emote, I can’t exist
Not without itching, tingling, wheezing, gasping for air
I’m rapidly losing control over my life
My world was already so small—and now it’s getting smaller
The list of foods I can’t eat is growing as my will to keep going…shrinks
Why must struggles beget even more struggles?
Why can’t I be allowed to be happy?
Exist in a beautifully carefree manner?
My spirit screams to express but my body says no
You’re not allowed
All I can do is tearfully write my feelings on a page while I agonize at all I have lost and will lose
I am missing out on the human experience I crave
I just want to be well
I want to breathe easy
I want to be healed
Yet I am here, in my bubble, alone
Forever

I wake up in the darkness of the morning, panicked and alone
Your absence has left a suffocating emptiness in me, after all the warmth I was shown
I thought you would be here always, because you promised me you would be
But I’m just sitting here alone, next to the spot where you should be
You told me your love was unceasing, that it would last forever  
Then why aren’t you here, we need to be together
I still add to our playlists, hoping you’ll see
That we are so connected, that we are meant to be
I wish you would come back, but you told me you won’t
So I’m left here alone, writing the universe a note

I’m slowly breaking, I’m losing my light
There’s little left, and I’m losing the fight
My heart is so heavy, I can barely breathe
I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to leave
I don’t know which move to make, I don’t want it to be wrong
I’ve been so patient, but it feels so long
Everyday I’m crumbling, just a bit more
But I’m starting to wonder, what I’m waiting for
Am I waiting to be loved? Passionately and deep?
This hill is getting harder, it’s become too steep
I’m tumbling down everyday, hoping to be caught
But that doesn’t happen, and I just rot
This love is ripping me up, from the inside out
I used to have so much hope, now it’s turned to doubt
Actions have proven, that words are just words
It takes a special kind of person, to make me feel heard
I can’t sit here any longer, waiting for change
I have to let go, I’m in unceasing pain

Because of you, I know too much

You ****** out my innocence with your maniacal way
Twisted my mind to get me to stay
I believed you which distanced me from reality
The truth you spewed was dripping in brutality
I listened and adjusted, everyday, more and more
I didn’t realize doing so was opening the door
To new demons, ones that taught me not to trust
Now I can’t have fun anymore, I can’t even feel lust
We haven’t talked in two years, but I still jump through hoops
My brain is sick and dark, it’s stuck in destructive loops
It’s really sad what I lost, the part of me that could surrender
I can’t open up my heart, it scares me to be tender
I push people away because i don’t want them to be like you
I wish we never crossed paths, I don’t know what to do

Battling myself til something surrenders
Holding onto pain, scared to be tender
I’ve been here before, let someone in
My heart beats faster, head starts to spin
Is this lust, fear, or just my biology
I tried to stay away but something is calling me
Depth of emotion and a genuine heart
It’s difficult to pretend he’s not a work of art
He pulls me in and makes me feel alive
My soul is getting warmer, I don’t feel deprived
I was letting my light dim because pain left me broken
But when we started talking something had awoken
The part of me I let die, so I didn’t feel pain
I was experiencing that surrender, feeling less strain
I’m not as fragmented, returning to who I am
True to myself, deep, and genuine

I was never special, I meant nothing to you
That became clear when you searched for someone new
I gave you my heart and you just took a peek
Pretending you loved me was so ******* weak
You hated how I could read your actions— that I saw through
All the lies and your energy and everything you do
You couldn’t hide, even though you tried
Your ****** behavior, I wouldn’t let slide
You’d gaslight me, and I’d question my perspective
Then I realized I was the only one being reflective
I’ve been here before and I see you’re a narc
I know your games, you can’t hide in the dark
You love bomb in the beginning then you take it away
Everything is a lie, I can’t believe what you say
I thought you were special—someone real
I didn’t realize how well you could fake the way you feel
I fell for it again, when will I ******* learn?
I can’t just give away my heart, it’s something to earn

Memories of you laughing brings tears to my eyes
I miss you with my whole heart, I wish this pain would die
How could you leave me?
I thought we were in love
I wish you’d believe me
I don’t want this to be done
You’re so beautiful to me, even when I’m being rejected
I want you to come back, I need to feel protected
My soul is so empty, but it’s holding onto hope
My body is tight, like it’s covered in rope
I want to relax, deep into your arms
Please come back, I won’t do anymore harm