for so long
time felt long
the world felt smaller
and continuously getting smaller
scarier
tinier
to the point where under a microscope we were non-existent
all of us
our intricate lives
layed out on a map
unvarying and predictable
shapes and blocks
moving around
perpetually abiding by a broken system
a broken record
spinning
repeating the same words
same stories
differences and nuances blurred
things are only what they seem
lenses turned only to one dial
afraid to look further
in fear that its only imagination
or fear that imagination
is a waste of time even

after a lifetime
of passion
of poetry
the world became passionless
dull
and i believed
that is how it was
and how it ought to be
if we were going to
"get anything done"

now i see
or am starting to
that life isn't about doing things
it's about the feelings
the little nuances
the little notes
the little faces
the little smiles

i forgot to smile at strangers
or i tried
but i couldn't
it all seemed so pointless
drowning in the world's sorrow
is a serious endeavor
one that requires another type of imagination
one that imagines
the pain in everyones life
and in every ****** expression
detecting scorn and contempt

could not to love too much
unable to be enthusiastic
the world seemed
too sad
my heart
had no energy for beautiful things

i cant deny that i saw those beautiful gems
in people helping each other
in an animals' eyes
in a book or a speech
in a person's kindness
but all the muchness was gone

and for every sadness
i couldn't be the change
i didn't believe that i could
that i was powerful
even if i wanted to
believe that i was beautiful
or that i was important
or that anything was

and maybe i will never know
based on a scientific proof
or spiritual realization
but i will know some truth
from somewhere deep inside me

so i will keep on searching
in the world that is now expanding
opening up to me like a flower
spreading it's arms open wide to a big hug
taking off its layers for me so i can see the blossoms inside
the intricate details of life
my lens is shifting and changes are coming
changes
i am looking for the changes

Apathy is dripping from all our lips
As we **** on this universal life force
And ignore each other
The air resting around us
Like stale breath
Is quiet and dying around us

My eyes are so heavy
They no longer see past what’s in front of me
When I see leaves, I only see leaves
When I see laughter, I don’t see behind it tears
I’m hiding underneath layers of skin
Within me is a soul wrapped up in a body
Feels trapped

I am the only key out of this apathy
But it’s like nothing can wake me from this deep slumber
My heart is sinking
There’s an anchor pulling me down
And a storm brewing in my eyes
When I speak I spit saltwater

Some days my imagination runs wild in forests and galaxies
And other days my mind can’t walk past the sidewalk at my feet or the covers on my bed
So many spiritual walls up barring me from taking care of myself
How can I let anyone else in?

She always thinks there’s a problem with me and my head
Everytime I tell her the dark clouds over my head
She seems to think that sometimes they forever disappear
And when I can push them away for a while
She reminds me that they’re there
I can’t tell her how to fix me
Even though she so badly wants to

Nobody wants to be with me
but neither do I

Any sign of love and care and I reject it
Violence and pain is the only thing that feels right
*** and drugs, alcohol and pain…. Those images in my head make me happier than anything else

I know how crazy it is that I believe that, but I’m just so lost
Nothing feels interesting
I don’t want to be any person, but me
But I don’t feel like myself at all
I feel so stranded from reality
So disassociated from life itself
I feel like I’m on a thin string hanging upside down
All the blood is rushing to my head

Everything is outside my door
But if I leave I have to wake up and move
And that’s too hard to do sometimes

I get so angry
Whenever I decide not to leave my room
When I don’t move
The demons in me wake up and dance
And I feel worse
Because I make the house shake
And hearts ache

I secretly wish she would come to my room
And say sorry for earlier
But I wouldn’t be there
This room isn’t mine right now
It’s invaded by germs
By bacteria
Infected with negative ions
I am defracting all light
Staring into a flat screen all day
Wishing my life away

The only thing I can understand is this depression
This obsession with sadness
This veiled madness
Writing doesn’t even stop the pain

Pale-faced and numb, i lay in bed tossing and turning through the hours
Sheets and blankets flung around
anger and guilt twisted around mixed in with blood rushing through body not reaching head
blinds are closed and little light is let into the room
the dog lays next to me
the laziness echoes throughout the house on a workless Tuesday
and my soul is out
gone fishing
there are many things to do palces to go
only if I had someone to go with
only if there were enough hours in the day to rewrite or revive the life im living
breathe some spirit into
this metiocracy
this routine
the cheese grater questions
the cheese grater conversations
that peel my skin off by the layer
the howl that I hear in a distant forest, country, school, classroom,
a long gone excitement and looking forward towards something great
a long list of withered hellos and goodbyes
a long list of dullness
boredom
and painfully tired moments
painful haunting blandness
living in the past, in the bed of my own bad decisions
the harvest I have planted, sown, and watered
the reaping is not what I wanted
the harvest is gross and wiltered
the fruit is not juicy
this heavy sensation of wrong
wrong directions
turns
and paths
led me to this point
and you’re supposed to know that sooner or later there will be other paths
opportunities
you just have to see them, find them, care enough
emptiness has invaded the space where curiosity used to bloom
and maybe happiness flies down like a bird sometimes and sings in the cage that is my heart
but her feathers don’t get too comfortable
and away she flies into the lonely night
leaving me nothing but the stars that paint the sky
the colors of my fingertips paint everything blue
and the patterns that fall out of my mouth come out like abc blocks
too structured and sharp
cutting my own mouth
my words taste like quiet
and feet could take me anywhere on a summer day
but they prefer mattresses with blankets and sheets
and it seems like I prefer sadness

Sadness sits in cheeks that knew nothing but happiness
Smiles too wide for this world
Arms too big, too much love and judgment but it scared away the demons
The dementors finally found my heart
And plumped my body with rage
Against myself I waged a war
And eventually
No one won
Everyone went home injured
And my eyes were scared with knowing
That things can’t be and will never be perfect
I trained myself to find imperfections
And reasons to be afraid
So I would never be too happy
Too up in the air
Judged myself so much that I didn't realize that you could be happy and aware at the same time
someone I used to be friends with
named optimism
told me
that awareness wasn't supposed to drag you deep down into the depths of the underground
My happiness was also stemming from fear of being totally alone in my own head, my own space, or in the world- on the street or in a car for too long
So I guess the war left me in crutches, but it also left me stronger
And I didn’t **** anyone, nobody killed me
My joy is still there
Somewhere
Buried under the rubble of buildings fallen
Foundations cracked

I still fake happiness
Fake the joy
Do the job
Try to save the world
And most of it isn’t fake, it’s not fake
It’s just effort
It’s conciosness

Do not be afraid to reach out
For there will always be air there
To catch you
And if you have love in your heart as your cushion
Even if you fall
You will fall on clouds
Clouds of your own making
That sometimes swell up with rain
And drench your eyes with pain
But then the rain stops
The roaring thunder quiets down
And you can begin to sun shine again
And reach those arms above the clouds and touch the blueness of the open sky
And stretch your bones
Your fingers
Your physical being
To be larger than life
Around a large table
And touch every single heart
And trust that the love seeds you have planted will not die or rot away
Because love does not die
Love can change
And love can grow in new directions
But those seeds
Those roots underground
Might dry up above ground
Under snow they may freeze
But they are not frozen for long
Because soon the weather changes
And we all can begin again
All we need is that love
And love is all there is
Look at snow
The way it melts
Look at cycles
The balance
Love is balance
Love is care
Love is growth
Growth is that balance
The way a drop of water
Feeds the soil
Made by worms
There is so much there
So many intersecting stories
So much more beneath the surface
So we can know
About poverty
And struggle
And pain
But if we do not know love
If we do not know cycle
If we do not trust earth
If we do not trust ourselves
Us
We
We do not know
We are blind
We are tasteless
But there is always a path to love
There is always an opportunity
To find that
There is always a road

ahead.

I want to know you, the atlas that led you to today
The roads and paths you took, the footprints you left
The ones you tried to dust away
Moments where you felt repelled by present gusty wind
Eager to erase the future
And escape to the past
I want to connect to the entity that sits in front of me, the whole of your being
I want to fall into you slowly
Like a babbling brook
Talking too much too fast diving deep
Sliding over hard rocks in the way
Breaking cold ice
Breaking ideas or representations
I want to fall in


And we talked
Swimming in the deep oceans of our lives
Taking a deeper plunge into dark water
A little bit of sun lighting dreamy waves



we know now we want more, a life worth fighting for
we said our dreams would carry us

if life is made up of tiny little moments
I wanna be a master of small tricks
A jack of all trades in the smallest exchanges
As an organism, micro to stars and macro to ants
I want to take up just enough space that breath allows
And moments can grasp
I want to live a life on the edge of sanity on the edge of limitations
Crossing boundaries and blocked bridges
We should always remember though that our fingerprints are small, yet heavy
With responsibility we should be careful not to press too ******* the world
But to leave a fingerprint of peace, love, and kindness
Not even for me, not for you, but for us- for the world we share together
So let’s share in the tiny moments
In the you and me laughing over a cup of tea
In the little pockets of sunshine
I want to find happiness
And goodness in that

I want to know that there is depth to even the smallest flower
And like Horton hears a who, a person is a person no matter how small
So much time I spent trying to be visible
That when my heart broke into shattered pieces
I was scattered across the universe
Lost between bits of myself like a dusty tornado whirling around in my mind
Constantly plaguing me to negative thoughts
Succeptable to anger
And quick to see the pain of the world
And instead of being Neosporin
Or trying to be peroxide
I was prepared to let that good die inside


the present is a mary poppins pocket
filled to the brim with possibilities of infinite nature
possibilities reaching towards both the east end of the world and the west
from the most northern point
and the most southern
which is constantly changing
there is a circling orb
that floats around planet earth
catching all hopes and dreams and wishes
and then sprinkling them like fairy dust throughout the entire universe
for the realm of possibilities is not limited by the sky
although some of us prefer the feel of the ground
the sky extends out farther than all human life
to a universe of quiet space and darkness
planets and black holes and infinite mystery
and we try to make sense of, try to understand
and we love
this planet and this universe
this is our power
our curse
our beauty
and our obstacle

for emotions are a beautiful thing
and we wish to live beautiful lives
life itself is beautiful to all who can see it
all who have been given trust and love
and took it  
kept it

Listen to me when I say that we have a choice
There was a time in my life I dreamed of my own bleeding heart
Spurting insignificant blood, just another body on this planet, just another ****** watery existence soaking up Earth’s resources, love from others like a water bottle with no bottom where everything just feels empty at the end of the day, being idle and quiet on the outside with a storm raging on the inside, unable to make sense of everything- so incredibly overwhelmed by the immense pain surrounding me and so incredibly disconnected from the person I used to be- one who truly believed in her own power and the power of those around her.
When I lost my strength and my belief, I lost my understanding that I can make a difference
Who I am today is different than the person I was a year ago, and while that shakes my bones
What keeps me alive is knowing that for every bad thing I have done, there is more good
For every mistake I have made, there are successes
We can’t live our lives focused on our downfalls
Or we will only fall down
We must as Denzel says “fall forward”
I spent too much time allowing thoughts like I didn’t deserve a place on this earth to win over all good thoughts
Triumphed in the battle of wits
All mixed up and twisted in my mind
Chasing momentary happiness and fulfillment, never finding it in smiles and moments of joy because a  heavy cloud was drowning my head with rain....but ive always loved rain
In the chaos of a world filled with turmoil, chaos, injustice, and fear
We live in between each other
Avoiding stares
Avoiding each other
Unless we need something from another
In the margins of each other’s lives
And here, in a country where we have the money and the time and the energy to make a difference
We drain ourselves emotionally down black holes of our own worlds
It’s amazing the way that movements are sparked based on one root idea
It spreads like fire and in so many directions
From one original piece
Like the “all you need is love” and you may say im a dreamer but im not the only one
Dreams are incredible things, if only we use them to create a better tomorrow
Instead of hoplessly helplessly waiting for tomorrow to come to us
We all live so selfishly
And I know this from my own selfish beating heart
But my beating heart tells me that I am here for a purpose so far beyond money, success, and even personal growth

Personal is absolutely important, but until we completely forget ourselves
Sacrifice and surrender ourselves to the issues at hand
That is when and only when we can truly make a difference
When we are determined
To take action today, and know that the seeds we plant will not grow those fruits tomorrow
But that we can imagine farther down the line that the world will be a better place
And knowing that future generations can make a bigger impact after that

I believe we are all system busters
There is so much wrong in the way we work
And constant reminders of the pain, suffering, tyranny, and sadness in the world
And if we turn a blind eye to that and continue to be fogged up by our own sadness and pain
We will become walking zombies
We are all walking zombies
Here for a mission
To make our lives mean so much more than individual relationships, control, and power
We are here to love each other, to stand together, to grow community and laugh in the face of despair
The only way we are ever going to get out of this perpetual darkness is if we awaken in ourselves the most positive, the one who believes in every action making a change
For it is only when we believe we are makng a change that we can
It is only when we lose hope that all hopes of change are lost


And I sometimes think I am insignificant
In the sea of voices echoing each other
We need to hear your story,
we need every voice
We need every single heart
For every movement
And you might feel connected to many movements
But the only way to make those movements stay powerful is if your voice is heard
So we want to hear you
and we need your ears to listen
to take a backseat

I know what it feels like to look around east and west and for miles it feels like no one will listen to your truth
Or you feel like your truth is unimportant
Or you feel like giving up all hope in yourself that you can make that difference
But we are only powerful as we
If we can lose ourselves in each other, if we can give to each other the gift of believing


I have been hanging onto negative words and emotions like they are the only things I really have
Facing my demons every single day
Who tell me that my life is not worth living
That my heart is evil
That my words are empty
That my soul is ingenuine and manipulative
Whispers to me that I do not deserve to be here
Whispers to me that no one really likes me
Tells me my mistakes
And yells at me for waking up

So when I finally get some quiet and peace is when I am asleep, then I live in my dreams
I am relieved of the burden of being human
And those aren’t better places but they are escpaes, because no matter what happens there
I do have to face it once I wake up

and here i am, awake, and open, and trying
to face today
with the hope
and the strength to fight

The unlayering of a soul
Like the drawback of an old beautiful curtain
Dusty and covered in a masquerade of golden tassles
Hiding the depth behind
And when they uncover
Unmask
Choose to perform
My eyes and heart are captivated
By the magic that is in stuttering toungues and loud cackles
Long stories and love poems


I came to tell my story
And my ears were much happier after
Having soaked in the noise of humanity
The sound of souls
A room full of souls


And I have been in those empty rooms before
Those rooms silent and eager for more space
Rooms echoing with soulless disconnection
And these people are not soulless but they do not give themselves up
don't give themselves freedom to be those souls

And I can only relate to people who have that soul
Who have the depth the expanse, the mind, the breadth to express
Their innermost pains, joys
And a room that is soulfull
Accepts
And a drawback of curtains
Assumes no judgement
For why would there be?
What would there be to judge?

I used to cry about feeling like a stranger in my own home
Then feeling guilty for being sorry for myself
And throwing up a pity party when no other life is better than mine
and so many people have it worse in many ways
we know what it feel like to live in a world where you feel you never belong
Then to be faced with a room, heart beating a mile a minute, knowing the curtains will be drawn back and you will have to face the music of your own

I saw a woman today, with a face filled with so much love it was glowing
A love that made me want to love everything
And I know everything isn’t what it seems
But poetry is all about that seem
That perspective
From afar


As my arrow gets pulled far back into depths of deep internal demons
I am now being tossed into the universe
Endlessly
No aim
Fired off into the moving air
I feel like a plastic bag
Im flying by city lights
And city dreams
Hoping for answers hidden in the trees


Sunflowers have been planted
But it will be winter soon
Roots are growing, sprouting little buds of green
Not blooming yet
But there is growth
And strength in the little brown sprouted roots

Heart so cold I don’t feel at home
Walls around me crash on me
And I can’t even smile with my heart

Trying to be happy being alone
Trying to be positive with what I have
Trying to be content with the life I live
Constantly feeling like it’s not mine that I’m living
Like I’m not living up to my best

Every word from her mouth envokes sadness,
and it’s like everything to her is something to worry about
All her voice does is draw out pity
And she’s so used to comfort
And pity
And pain
That I don’t think she knows what happiness tastes like

And I’m on the other end of the line
Wondering why everyone else calls me when they cry
And needs me when they’re upset
I wonder if it’s because I am the same
If I am someone who drains the happiness out of the people I know
***** it out like venom

And I think about the life I have lived so far
And the lives I have really touched
And I feel out of touch

If I feel anything at all


I do feel something, something small
then nothing at all

My stomach feels full
My eyes feel heavy
heart it numb

Surrounded by my past
I wear it on my face all the time
Underneath a forced smile
I pin my cheeks up with something warm
And for moments
I find peace in complete solitude and silence
Noise feels invasive

The ups and downs are almost unbearable

I sit in a room I painted with beautiful words
But I don’t feel beautiful
For moments during the day
I feel recognizable
And then feel like a stranger again

Why did I even come home?

I avoid my mistakes like they are bombs about to explode
And I feel different every day….

Here come the dark clouds again.

I feel the tears starting again. And I don’t even know why anymore.

And finally I share a moment of peace and release. I share this moment with myself only. For only I can ever know my own inner darkness, sadness and emptiness that I felt for so long. And only I can heal myself from the controlling and almost abusive relationship we shared. Together, me myself & I can support and be there for each other. And in this moment I realize I haven’t been alone at all.

from the residues of childish worries
i listen to my old woes
where was the world headed? what world was i headed into fast?
i knew
the overglamorization of every little thing that we all “needed” more of
would never fill the empty void that the same society drilled into us like holes
...and my fears that if we are society, we are doomed
gratitude and love filled me up for the wood in my floors and a roof over our heads
for my parents, and other blessings
for love,
i knew love is all you/i/we need
..and I knew what love looked like and felt like, what it really meant
little eyes saw a loveless world, little heart tried to fill the gaps wherever I could
little feet in limited too and young eyes saw
words like love, words like peace just sewn on to clothes just to sell more of it
it dawned on me then that this was the world I was traveling at full speed ahead into
like a never-ending deep dark tunnel with advertisements all over the wall
     Constantly
              Chasing
                                           Racing
                                                                   Towards
                                                                                      Nothing
                                                                                     (more)

..and they will all tell you they’re selling the latest greatest
hippest, dopest, coolest, chillest, most epic, most* dope, most amazing, most down to earth genuine **** that was manufactured and arranged just for "you."
..and it will have “love” written all over it.

years later,
i stood in Urban Outfitters
holding a shirt covered in "love"
handmade, from India
feeling, for a moment, like that just might be what love is
since we live in such a loveless world these days, and it feels so incredibly empty
most of the time
and disconnected
that the only way to connect might just be through labels and boxes and capturing images

born three months early,
it was speculated that I wanted so badly to be alive
...and I had no idea...
what world
i was coming into
and what a world
i was coming into

...and I don’t remember that sensation,
that overwhelming grounding awareness of the real truth that none of it mattered at all...
if little me met me how sad she would be
how overwhelmed she would be by the poison i let come inside
i try
just like we’re all supposed to do
told to do
to cover it up
mask it
bandaid it
clean it up
heal it however and fast
do it all quickly
get over it

go right back into the cycle of it all
buying
spending
relying on happiness from all these things outside myself
like food
like everything
around me
to somewhere, somehow wake something up inside me
avoiding my own awakening
limbs are all numb and dead inside,
and what a waste of a life i feel like
i feel like a waste of a life now

where did my love go?

longing grows
for spontenuity and excitement
for real love for reality
for spiritual depth
for reminders of how I used to feel


..for now I will sit in my cave,
in the hole I dug to get here
And sit.
And sit.
And sit.
And every day just sit.
And then some days go biking
And feel for a moment that I’m getting better.. then the world darkens and wraps its arms suffocating...
so, then, give up.
Then sit
Then sit.
Then sit.

little hands wave goodbye far away
little eyes look down in disappointment
little feet walk away

Don't you dare
give me that stare
act like you care

You don't have the right to pretend
that in the end
You like me for my hands
As much as you just wanted to **** me.

So don't hold my hand and talk to me like this
don't try to make me believe in the magic that doesn't exist
that when we were together you felt genuine bliss

like in the vast moments when our hands intertwined
you ever wanted to be mine
or that you'd ever let me define
our time
as anything more than a static rhythm and rhyme

as anything more than a business exchange
or a game
i give you my feelings and you don't feel the same

it's not too late you haven't placed your bet
on how many months it'll take for you to get to my bed
get inside my head

all of the time i wasted for you is over
all of the feelings i hid away
all of the breath you took away
as i waited for you to text me hey
it's over

congrats.
you've made me numb
stand in the line of other guys who've given me some
taken me under angel wings and deceived me
but this time I see

I don't trust your magic arms anymore
your fantastical eyes don't take me hostage anymore

and the emptiness i felt after i was filled with you inside me
reminds me

never to trust

someone who tries to hold your hands
when they can't hold your words

you're a mastermind magician
you've helped me stop belieivng in the magic
i know magic behind love
and i don't believe in magic anymore