Sadness sits in cheeks that knew nothing but happiness
Smiles too wide for this world
Arms too big, too much love and judgment but it scared away the demons
The dementors finally found my heart
And plumped my body with rage
Against myself I waged a war
And eventually
No one won
Everyone went home injured
And my eyes were scared with knowing
That things can’t be and will never be perfect
I trained myself to find imperfections
And reasons to be afraid
So I would never be too happy
Too up in the air
Judged myself so much that I didn't realize that you could be happy and aware at the same time
someone I used to be friends with
named optimism
told me
that awareness wasn't supposed to drag you deep down into the depths of the underground
My happiness was also stemming from fear of being totally alone in my own head, my own space, or in the world- on the street or in a car for too long
So I guess the war left me in crutches, but it also left me stronger
And I didn’t **** anyone, nobody killed me
My joy is still there
Somewhere
Buried under the rubble of buildings fallen
Foundations cracked

I still fake happiness
Fake the joy
Do the job
Try to save the world
And most of it isn’t fake, it’s not fake
It’s just effort
It’s conciosness