#xfoxspeakx poems on Hello Poetry

XslyfoxX May 2020

Holy

Nothing ever seems to change.
Prayer after prayer and I'm exactly the same.
Scoffing at the idea that I'll ever be holy.

Ive emptied the contents of my stomach
while kneeling on the floor
As many times as I've been at the foot of a pulpit
But I'm still ******* up and my remorse just doesn't do it.

It's never been enough for me to change.

I confess,
I'm selfish and abusive
to my soul for my amusement.
Nothing ever seems to change.

Burn me alive for ten thousand years
and I'll never change.
My regrets haven't meant a thing.

I can't accept that I'm this selfish
but my heart isn't whole again.

Each person affected for my brief moment of pleasure.
Not joy, not love, not need. - Just pleasure.

I want to be better.
I swear I just don't know how.
Someone please show me how.
Because my prayers are bouncing off the shower walls.

the past couple years since I've written anything Ive been really testing my wife and her limits. Ive been accused of awful things and lost my job based on both correct and incorrect information. I'm spiraling and I'm ashamed of they way I've acted and treated loved ones and total strangers simply because I am selfish. This poem isn't necessarily intended to be my best work or even to be "good" by anyones opinion. It's the best way I know how to communicate the fact that I realize my past mistakes over the last 4 years and can't seem to shake the immaturity or the just awful, sinful, and evil nature in my heart. I wish I was a normal man with normal issues that I could hide, but being exposed and judged by people who used to respect me and I long to have a relationship with again has destroyed me. I don't want to be known for the things I'm known for by people I used to look at as brothers. I also don't want to be thought of the way I am by total strangers and people who I haven't spoken with in years. This is unfortunately what happens when I acted out in disgusting ways without considering the consequences it would have on my life and more importantly the people who I involved.
I don't think I even know what love is but:
I love you.

#depressed #disgusting #sin #holy #ugly #questioning #wondering #friends #xfoxspeakx

XslyfoxX Sep 2017

... It Was Goodbye

I can't change what's been done
And even so much as yesterday I'm
Surrounded by a chorus of "what if"s
And when I reminisce I think;
"Ignorance is bliss"

When that sunset
I remember your oven hands on mine.
I remember it was far from bliss
You missed your goodbye kiss
Because you hit my cheek
Instead of my lips.
while my stomach does backflips
I either stutter or my words skip
My tongue tripped
Or at least that's what I'll say.

My best excuse
Is just my next excuse.
Forgive me my muse,
For I know not what I do.

I need you to know that
The voices in my head
Won't rest but they'll sleep
When I'm dead.
They've kept me going
All these months.
Because I know they aren't done.
They stay with me
They lay with me.
They lesson me each time
That you've beckoned me.

So where am I to go
When I've buried the past
But our God raises the dead so
It's a grave that never lasts.
Is the present worth running too
When I can stay where I'm at?
I know forgiveness waits for me
I just forget to ask.

Maybe you'll take 2 years
Or two more on top
But eventually I'll be
Another scar that you forgot.
I'll be the ring around your finger
That you don't know how you got.

When that sun set
I remember your oven hands couldn't find
The strength to make me stay.
But it was the last night you were mine.

#sad #memories #goodbye #xfoxspeakx #depressed #life

XslyfoxX Jul 2017

dead.

A fire burns on a moonlit beach
The sand still burns from the sun.
It is as if watching from a distance
My only source of light, of sight,
The flame of which I fix my gaze.

Inhale me like the smoke it emits
Breathe deep and dream of brighter days.
Is that sun one of legend?
Was I ever warm?
I've never forgotten the cold.
So much so I could see my own breath,
Even that is seen in the air
Only to disappear in seconds.

It was all a vivid dream
that felt so real.
So close I could reach out
And touch the heat,
In a sense I could grasp the smoke.

Reality has been twisted
And history rewritten
Fore I was once smoke
But Ive since faded into the night.
Could I ever feel the fire?
Can the heat warm my hands?
No. I feel nothing but cold.

The dream is dead.
I never existed.

#dead #exist #depressed #xfoxspeakx #depression #dreams #sleep

XslyfoxX Jul 2017

I am

I tried to be the hero
Just for the sake of praise and purpose
I tried.
I said the right things and stood on my platform with pride.
That fall, that fear, the days, weeks, months, roll by.
I am nothing.
Nothing but a rat digging its nest in the walls of a home because he doesn't have his own.
Who am I now?
I am no one.
I am the ******* of an otherwise loving God.
I am the blizzard before spring.
I am the frostbite that only causes pain.
The end to the flowers, grass, and trees.
I am death.
At least I thought I was.
But I've begged for death since that April day and she won't come.
She won't come to visit and she won't come to stay.
That's why death is like my best friends.
Here for the funeral and gone the next day.
I plead for this to be a dream.
I've been afraid to make it.
And I have been afraid to be alone.
No I am not a rat, nor death, nor a hero.
I am a coward.

#depressed #xfoxspeakx #death #coward #nothing #sad #poetry

XslyfoxX Jul 2017

ghost.

If I'm really meant to be alone
Then I wish I'd just become a ghost.
Time wouldn't feel so hurried
And I'd get to see how you feel when your eyes are closed.

If I'm really meant to be a ghost
Then I wonder if they miss me.
I wonder if I haunt them
Or if they pretend they were dreaming.

If they were meant to miss me
I wonder do they really?
I wish I was dreaming with them
And the sky was our ceiling.

If they really do,
Then how did everything crumble,
How was I left for dead
Whyd they leave me when I stumbled?

If it was meant to crumble
Then I hope to see the good in this.
I know there's a reason,
But from my perspective, I can't see it.

If there is good in this
Then I hope I can shed
All this dead skin while they're happy.
And I'm wishing I were dead.

#ghost #xfoxspeakx #depressed #lonely #alone

XslyfoxX Jun 2017

Little Bird

You see,
You are like a dandelion seed
Taken away in the breeze
By some kid wishing for world peace
But I'm that stem left selfishly waiting
For your peace in me.

And every time I hear church bells ring
I swear I'm hearing you sing
A little bird with two broken wings
Who flew on the back of this eagle to pick you up off of your feet.

But I flew too far from where you'd want to be
I made you fly when you just wanted to swing
With a chill in your spine
And the clatter of your teeth
I want to be the coat the keeps you warm,
The skin that holds your bones beneath.

But this isn't an insect waiting for pretty wings
It's a soaring eagle who can't feel a thing.
Now you can't feel the wind beneath and you've lost your voice so the world can't hear the song that you sing.

This is part one of 2 poems that originally went in sequence with each other. The second is titled "Tell All"

#tell #all #little #bird #xfoxspeakx #depression #negative #freedom

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