Words mumbled,
If any at all.
Staring at nothing,
If anything at all

Sunken red eyes,
Unable to focus,
Slumped over the chair,
**** pungent in the air

I hardly see you
We hardly speak
And when I try
You’re too tired to speak

You sit on the street
Drinking with friends
I’ve no problem with that
If only I could see you at weekends

I know you work hard
You deserve the rest too
For me it’s chocolate
Cannabis for you

But you’re one of many
Nearly all my friends smoke
Yet we still communicate
We can laugh, we can joke

They can still see me,
They notice me here
No matter the ****,
No matter the beer

But do you see me?
Am I just in the way?
I feel so alone
Even when you’re here all day

No communication
No conversation
Staring and smoking
Then blanket over the head sleeping

You awake snorting loudly
Giving me a fright
It doesn’t seem to bother you
In the middle of the night

I’m not really here
It’s like I’m a ghost
You look straight through me
Then go for a smoke

The body is limp
The mind unfocused
Hardly able to smile
Ignore what I suggest

I cannot change you
I get it, it’s you
You are inseparable
**** is number one for you

It’s not up for discussion
Should I ask you smoke less
It is just so insulting
To try change someone else

Just to cut down
One less joint a day,
I might see the person
Hidden by the smoke and haze

Is it my fault?
Am I making you like this?
I sincerely hope not
For us both it’s a loss

Do you still know me?
When can we talk?
Or enjoy time together
Just in the park

Or is this just it?
How it has to be
Is this how we live?
Us who don’t smoke ****

I live with a shell
An empty smoke filled case
Not interested in me
I can tell by the long drawn face

Is there anything inside?
Are you there at all?
How much longer do I wait?
What am I waiting for?

Do you still know me?
Or am I just a “thing “
I cannot stop your ****
That would be classed as a sin

Everything I ask
Is repeated ten times
Over and over and over
You still cannot take it in

Is this how we live?
If living is what this is
Or am I being too sensitive ?
About how you seem to live with your friends

But they are watching tv
I think you are too
Only to discover at 2am
You’re sleeping, passed out in the studio

It is clear to me now
That I matter the least
You have to please your friends
Even as I cook and you eat

Why do I want communication?
Is it a failure in me?
I just feel like there’s nothing
It’s even a chore for you to make me a tea

I mention the idea
Of spending time together
But it’s taken as an insult
Depriving you of your friends, together

We do our own things
That’s healthy I know
But to spend time together
It’s a chore, so much effort, I know

This is the end,
The relationship passed
Stuck here without you
While the **** takes all of you

You live for the ****
I know that is true,
If you had to choose between us
The **** would win, it’s true

It consumes your life
I guess that’s how it is
But is this it for me?
Do I marry someone who doesn’t see me?

I do get confused
As you expect me at night
After ignoring me all day,
How will I do things at night?

Surely for such intimacy
A relationship comes first
Or perhaps it’s just me,
Wanting what I don’t deserve

You’re not here Tsietsi
You make noises, not talk
The words make no sense
I might as well speak to a wall

I’m not trying to be cruel
I’m not anti ****
The last thing I want to do is control,
To take away what people need

But I’m confused and tired
Yet I’m never enough
I try to cook, grow veggies,
It’s still, still not enough

The relationship to you has meaning
Very different to that of mine
Washing the dishes, removing weeds,
Is the level of connection we enjoy

Is that enough for you?
That I’m just here to cook?
To sit silently, without you
Not trying to talk

Is this how it’s meant to be?
A life without you, only me?
A woman is to marry
But a woman is not to see

Or perhaps it’s just me?
Should I smoke **** too?
Am I mistaken?
We don’t need communication?

I say goodbye, not leaving,
I just know you’re no longer here,
I will carry on
While you keep the **** and beer

Goodbye Tsietsi.....,,, let me know when you wake up **

I’m sorry I’m to sad to love you the way u need to be loved okay.
And that every time you try with me, I seem to just push you away

I’m sorry that my hearts too broken to make you smile
And that you haven’t heard my laugh in a really long while.

I’m sorry I’m stubborn and that I cry way too much
And that being with me is looked down on a bunch

I’m sorry I can’t be skinny or even close to pretty
And that sometimes people describe me as being a little ditzy

I’m sorry I don’t accept the love you send to me
And that I make you feel like you keep me less free

I’m sorry I can’t show you how important you are
And that words have always been something that’s hard.

Im sorry I’m sorry for so many things
And all of the problems my mental health brings.

cracking
the lines and curves of the sentences fall apart
screaming
the facade pleads to be rescued from this madness
crying
the entity shakes, and the world trembles along with it

worthless
if you disappeared not a single person would make a remark
unwanted
an unlovable friend, for who wants someone burdened by sadness
pathetic
a stubborn fool, such that even death asks you to submit

worthless
i am unclean
dead torn thoughts inside
brain dead stupidity of the ****** next door
living thoughtlessly
they say perfection is a contract of demise
nothing matters it seems
i’ll sign my name away
let’s rid the world of me

sometimes
coming home to your family is more lonely than coming home to an empty house
it feels like you dont belong
and you realize
just how sad you've been
the cheer, the joy, the excitement of your loved ones
and the excitement of them seeing you
makes you feel even more worthless

Steady, we go along, stable, we seek our comforts.
And beyond us, the rest of everything lives.
Surrounding our dinner tables a conflict festers,
As my father yells across at my uncle about
The hate of our current leaders.
(i leave my eyes at my plate)

Consistent, we see ourselves, ugly, we see another side.
Another side I frequent is a “shooting range”,
Where before the curriculum starts for the year,
We learn how to fight against a shooter inside.
As I learn the thoughts of shakespeare,
And recite the constitution.
(i fear for when the shooting begins again)

Lost in a known life, I cower beneath those who stood taller.
The fervent few who knew history and what cycles it spawned.
The powerful ‘leaders’ who promised a better tomorrow,
Corrupted by constitution, and empirical deduction.
We stand side by side as family in the face of terror-
Be it red, blue, donkey or elephant.
(i know the lies they spread and still follow synced)


Oblivious we march in protest to ourselves.
Not knowing the start or how our story began.
Impervious to outside influence we are herded into ideologie,
And fed the grass and grains of knowledge warped into ‘morality’
Undead beliefs cycle themselves to those of the generational heir,
And respawns in the minds of those too cowardly to accept something else.
Fact and fiction morph into each other-
And grey becomes all we can see.
(blinded by a light gray scaled, i see myself as no one and everyone as the same)