Soft as honey, hard as ice
Never mine, your honest eyes.

For I was never yours, not in the moments
When you looked at me, all soft and warm;
And you were never mine, not in the eternity
When my heart beat double-time.

We were never loved, not when we stared
Into the depths of all we hid;
Nor in those sacred moments, reverent
When we understood all we just undid.

Not in the glow of standing together,
An enduring lantern light-
For it soon ended, as it should have
In the glare of the daylight.

does love conquer all?
it’s a funny notion –
for all it ever taught me was defeat:
defeat so debilitating,
it borders on cruelty;
cruelty so brazen,
it borders on psychopathic;
it makes you feel like a man,
as it grips you by the *****;
makes you feel like a pig,
while it humours your piety.
given a chance,
it would split you in half:
one half –
pulling punches;
the other half –
paralyzed by reproach;
you want to kick love
in the teeth;
you want to love love
with all your heart;
you want to do both –
and not lose your mind  
at the same time.
you want to choke love’s
throbbing throat and
watch it gag on your
undying passion;
and when the war is over,
you’re left wondering –
‘was it even a fair figh—
                          — oh, right… that was never in the picture.’  

so, i guess –
love does conquer all:
all that you are,
all that you’ll ever be,
and all that’s left of you.

He might be right,
When he says that loves gone now.
That it cannot be done right,
For doing it wrong now.
I hope that he’s wrong when
He speaks on my deep fear,
Says I’m used up and damaged
And will not be loved here.
I feel it inside now,
That sinking dread feeling
That sits in my stomach
And leaves my mind reeling.
I know it deep down now,
The soul crushing truth love,
That people don’t love like
They used to love love, love.

i knocked on
your door,
you opened with
a smile;
you knocked
on mine,
i returned
the favour;
the building was empty -
or at least,
the people living in it.
you were different,
though -
you were full of
little surprises.  
you were gentle -
like your touches;
and your kisses;
and your movements;
and my solitude:
of which -
you stripped me,
with your movements;
your kisses;
and your touches;
you shook me,
to say the least.
i was a sick man -
literally, and otherwise:
and it rubbed off
on you, a bit.
yet, you leaned on me;
pressed me;
cupped me;
grazed your lips
against the wet corner
of mine -
swooning;
drooling;
licking;
me choking on
cigarette smoke.
you choking -
every now and then.
you sick freak!
your uffs…
your aahs…
your mmms…
your every breath.
i loved you -
more than anything
in the world
in that moment;
that exquisite moment.
my eyes flickering;
my heart pounding;
my silence, silencing.
it was just right;
you were enough,
in that moment,
and all that
was you -

and then,
you left.

a bed of roses;
ruffled polyester, scorned:
unlucky petals.

We sat on the stairs and watched it all,
Our own personal illegal space.
Slow, mellow strums, our hearts beat
Silently, curbing words we’ll never say.

Our cameras stared and captured it all,
The stage from the same ledge, same lens,
You left first because I couldn't speak your tense.

when i talk about you i find myself saying,

“we always just miss each other, always the wrong time.”

but the truth we both know and never tell is we’ve been playing bumper cars.
the feelings are there even though we fight them, both waiting for the other to make the first move.
when you inevitably step up to take the lead, i follow suit.
we crash into each other, making the jokes and being just a little too close to keep calling ourselves friends.

“this is always how we are, we’ve always been like this.”

but then just as soon as it starts it’s all too intense, and we fall back to our corners waiting for the next moment.
you look at me the way you do and tease me with that smile.
i know our cars will bump and crash even when i steer away, and each time i turn around you’re there.

“i hope we’re happy in another universe, i think they deserve to be.”

but in this one we’ll keep just missing each other, always playing bumper cars.

i start to mourn it
when its not over.
my body leaves traces
of unspoken distortions
of reality in motion:

our first kiss, our first
date, our first hopes and
mistakes, will they matter
in the long run, will they
turn into a free fall?

trying to cherish what we
have gone through i feel
so isolated by your unspeakable
truths, your saddened distance
is a blessing in disguise: i fear

i can not look you any longer in
the eyes. your remarkable sighs,
the silence that stomps on the tip
of your tongue whenever i tell you
all i want is to talk, all i want is to

have you, feel you close, make you
promise i am the one thing you really,
really want. i find myself wondering if
that's all because i never had you in
the first place: i wouldn't be begging

you to tell me if you were truly mine,
if you were on my side. i feel unloved
and unlovable, it's not your fault if
you don't show what you can't show,
it's not your fault. all i've ever wanted

in this life was to feel that someone chose
me, prioritized me over everything and
everyone: i've prayed for that kind of thing
to happen with the desperation of a small
insect not to be pushed against the wall.

that will ultimately be my downfall: to still
believe i am not worthy if i am not being
loved, to believe life was meant to be lived
in love, haven't i had enough? i spend days
paralysed in bed, crying my eyes out to the

memory of a future tense in which you are
something i can come to, a home, a haven,
a muddy love letter. i can no longer wait
for you to be mine. you've never wanted that.
yet i don't want to be alone, i don't want to let

it go. why should i speak hard truths when i can
devour sweet blindness? why should i believe
it's over? lingering has always been my worst
and best endeavour. i just wish you made the effort.
staying would be less painful.

I love the way you’re a people pleaser,
The way your smile makes life feel easier.
I love how your siblings tease with care,
A bond so strong, beyond compare.

I love the way you hate the quiet,
Your voice the song that breaks the riot.
I love how you yell at the TV screen,
Each loss dramatic, raw, and keen.

I love your eyes, blue mixed with green,
The brightest hue I’ve ever seen.
I love your chinchilla smile so wide,
A joyful glow you never hide.

I love the secrets you keep inside,
The weight you carry, how hard you’ve tried.
I love the words your poems weave,
The thoughts that others can't conceive.

I love the way you talk with ease,
How you charm the world, how you appease.
I love the way you fill the air,
With warmth and laughter everywhere.