I don’t remember the moment I stopped feeling safe.  
Maybe it was when I saw my mother’s tears  
And realized love could be cruel.  
Maybe it was when I learned to run,  
To hide in silence,  
To hold my breath until the storm passed.  
But I was just a kid,  
And love wasn’t meant to be this way.

I remember finding things I didn’t understand…
Images that twisted my thoughts,  
Made me question what it all meant.  
I was maybe 10,
But I wasn’t a child anymore,  
Not after that.

Then came the quiet,  
A new home with grandma,  
Where the chaos slowed,  
And the world felt a little softer.  
Years later you moved in across the street,  
And suddenly, I wasn’t alone.  
We stayed up late,  
Talking like we could create a new life,  
A different world where love didn’t hurt.

I gave you all the parts of me  
That no one else could see,  
Believing in the illusion  
That you could be the one to save me.  
You made me feel safe,  
For a while.  
You were my first true love,
My safe haven,
And I dove in without looking back.

But you were a storm too.  
You left- then came back,  
And I let you, Every time.  
Chasing the feeling of being wanted,  
Of being enough.  
I let you break me  
And still, I waited for you to come back whole.  But you didn’t.

You moved on,  
Married, had kids,  
And I was still stuck in the memories,  
In the dream we never got to live.  
Then the call came,  
And my world stopped.  
You tried to end your life,  
I thought I could save you if I had enough time,
That I could bring you back from the edge.  
But they took you off life support…
And you were gone.  
And I was left,  
Empty,  
With a heart full of things I never said.

It’s been years now,  
And I’ve built a life,  
Found love in places I never expected,  
But your absence still lingers.  
Your face fades,
but your memory doesn’t,  
And I still miss you,  
In ways I can’t explain.  
I forgive you,  
For all the hurt,  
For leaving me broken,  
But I’ll never forget you,  
Not ever.

Screaming and damning the heavens Misting the winds red with a raw throat
Sewing seeds of knuckles
Pounding my fury into a grave not yet dug

Clutching my chest
I can’t breath
I can’t see
I can’t be
Me

what happens when you're forever stuck in a transitional phase?
where the hours to days to months and years of time
keep repeating,
where you live in loops while you wait
for something better to come
or better yet - to be something more,
to become something you've always wanted to be.
but your floors are still covered with things you used to love
and its getting harder to do your laundry every week
sometimes you don't want to be home anymore but you know you should;
there's no where else to truly go,
nothing like a home.
what happens when a signal
finally dies out?
does the receiving end ever stop to acknowledge
this loss of electrical power?
no more surging through the seams of life,
i stay stagnant without wanting to be.

it's so much deeper than I even realize
etched into my marrow, year after year
crying in your arms
because you were kind