I'll fight you to the death
Over every trivial detail
About things we can't unsay
Moments years have passed

I'll fight you till I bleed
If it means you won't leave

I'll fight you every day
For the months yet to come
Even tho you'll never be my home again

Its still contact
No matter where it lands

Reaction

Why is the desired result a teary reaction?
Can’t people just be straight within their social interaction?
Reacting quickly and at times without control
Followed by isolation into an introverted hole

Impossible situation, dangerous communication
A feeling of anger and psychological stagnation
Why is the desired result a teary reaction?
A desperate thirst for egotistic satisfaction!

theyre mad again and its my fault

tension
dr
      i
         ps
down the hall
as i
try
to hide myself
away from people
who send
the sharpest daggers through my soul
shattering me
without even trying
im trying, i hope they know
even though its hard
to keep my head up
when i want to bury it
far away
where they will never
ever
reach it
but
if i think about it reasonably
its my fault
and im sorry

and here i am,
cleaning myself off my bathroom tiles
in attempt to try again.
but trying again isn't as easy the 4th time around.
i want to be a kid again.
but even at 9 and 10,
11 to 16
being a kid became an adults job.
looking after myself and cleaning the dishes of uneaten food,
cleaning wounds and kissing plasters like my own mother.
i'll be okay.
that's what i'll always say,
and i guess when you say it enough
the lies become the truth
and my eyes blink away my youth.
here i am
cleaning myself off the bathroom tiles
knowing that i have to try again.

you're on my mind again.
though i left you back in the year of my downfall,
i want you to know that i forgive you.
no matter how vividly i remember feeling so numb,
taking you to a place no one had been before i was ready to.
taking my innocence
and stretching it into an unrecognisable form,
pulling it out like barbed wire through my open wounds.
though, despite all of this
despite knowing that i probably should hate you
and the realisation that you never really truly loved me.
i couldn't help but love how my blood looked on your hands,
nesting deeply under your chipped black fingernails.
i hated to admit that maybe
just maybe,
i loved how vulnerable you made me

i'm convinced *** was never meant to please me.
after so many times of doing it only to convince them to not leave,
i'd given up trying to find some pleasure.
i don't know wether or not to say,
but i'm scared that it'll make him not want to stay.
so i pick apart the stitches from my seeping wound,
and open it up with no remorse or fear of infection.
and i'll bleed everywhere in clear not red,
so he can't see through to the tears that I shed.
cause if i fake a smile it'll make him feel better,
and convince my body so it becomes wetter.
but inside my mind its just a lie,
because being wanted is better than being left to die.

i miss all the love letters
he never writes me,
all the late night calls just to hear my voice.
texts to read in the morning,
and cheesy poetry to read in bed.
i pretend to sleep just to see if he’ll kiss my eyelids and tell me he loves me.
he doesn’t but i love him anyway.

sometimes i want to open up to you.
slice through my bruising flesh,
to reveal to you what words could never say.
i trust you like that.
to see how my ribs cage fragments of a broken heart,
and how my lungs are black from second hand smoke.
i want you to dig in,
and pull out all the things i’ve always questioned.
til the only thing left is a hollowed out hole.
maybe that way i can really feel nothing,
instead of saying i don’t
to avoid the conversation.
i want you to drain me of my blood.
like the vampires in movies i watched as a child.
so i don’t have to feel it pumping through my veins,
every time i feel the urge to open myself up
and search deep,
deep,
deep,
for a reason to feel nothing instead of feeling everything all at once