if love is abandoning my writing because i don't know where all the pain went
perhaps this is love
if love is laying awake fighting the melatonin with methylfolate in your smile
perhaps this is love
if love is slamming doors and being unable to feel anything but you
perhaps this is love
if you could call redownloading the happy songs on my playlist and in my head "love"
perhaps you're right
i am too adolescental to know
all i know is that i have not felt passion like his touch since i can remember
he makes me numb and yet i feel everything at once
how dare he
he is the reason i lose sleep and my parents lose patience
how dare he
he is the reason i am allowing myself to feel things and not force poetry out like a dying fruit to the thirsty
but sometimes it flows on its own
how dare he
to bring my mind away from all ive ever known and all ive ever felt and refuse to call me his own
i have never wanted to be own
if love is the phrase "there's a first time for everything,"
perhaps this is love after all

You know those moments
that you do something that seems
Justifiable and fine
that is
in the moment
but then
you realize
That was
Really
Really
          Really
                                    Stupid

Age 15 the beginning and the end
Age 19 and the scars still haven't mend

I was a fool with nothing to lose
Letting lust become my muse

It happened fast without protection
In his eyes lay no affection.

A month passes with no monthly time
The panic inside me starts to climb.

Lie to my mother to get a test
Sure enough there's a baby in the nest.

Inside my stomach lay a beating heart
Anxiety and depression begin to start.

Scared beyond belief and still at school
Feeling like I had just been a tool.

Could I handle being a single mother
Abortion? I had to pick one or the other.

Or maybe I didn't have to after all.
Spotting begins to start and I start to bawl.

To many emotions in too young a girl.
My body killed a life, guilt begins to swirl.

Age 15 the beginning and the end
Age 15 and made a life ascend.

Age 19 and the scars still haven't mend
Age 19 and still no way to amend.

Discover everything, especially if they say you shouldn't, because new things are mostly disapproved at first.

But just don't do anything that indeed is dumb and results in death.
That's just plain stupid.

Are they snowballs down in hell
or just fire, smoke and heat?
I must live forever in my shell,
solving the matters of your deceit.

You put my feelings in the shredder,
wearing that silly mask of Cupid,
I'm guilty. I should have known better.
You're Evil in disguise, and I'm so... stupid.

You were feeding me with charming lies
about how your Sun is kissing the snow,
you made me walk away two thousand miles,
now I don't live at home anymore.

We should stop playing this blame-game,
and don't hide behind the shadows of a traitor,
the loneliness is whispering now my name,
believe me, you will thank me for this... later,

when your raven years will bring you wisdom,
you'll sit and have your morning breakfast,
you'll make confessions to God's kingdom,
only then you'll triumph over Life's tempest.

stretch wide my mind fled away, drowned in ecstasy, drugged, numb, and not okay! slumped with daze, ripped away in pits i forget your name.

foul without scent, i rip memories to shred. chest pressed in, i **** him, he, I created who carried you to bed in arms who bled for hours to no end. wrapped "together" in the ** for that's was how that night went

Longest of lovers and timeless friends, reincarnated people brought together again. in trial you plead, worried and afraid and within my arms you stayed safe. countless hours to interview and thousand more to hear about how they went..

Jealous of others your envious green showed through indifference & shame on your face. pressured by age you escaped the glue which held you and revealed the true face. tossed aside embarrassed to say, get away from family parties and friends.

Wanted by others you accept the advances you wanted their attention that'll help you escape this "cage". forgetful of commitments you dance your illusions in the arms of a stranger who's face blurred mine away.

you pressed your lips without time within the car, forced on me to fade the haze. a blanket of comfort the cold of may, my heart grew darker december's rain. the ****** agenda i did play, forcing the intimacy to burn it away. leaving your mind afraid.

but i do so hate, my heart that says. sorry for not holding you longer. the world ain't great, your grandfather was very special no one can replace. I wanted to hug your mother she doesn't deserve the pain and i hope i have you to hold if mine went too away.

our love for each other has become ugly..