When the rain falls it isn’t always consistent, it doesn’t all fall at once or bother keeping time. However it always falls.  Love; learning to love is much the same. You can fall fast or slow, all at once or pieces each time. You hit branches on the way down to slow, however you always make it down. Once you make it to the ground , you can soak further in, become entangled in a world you couldn’t even see from the sky, and couldn’t see from the trees. You would of never known it existed until you fell further.
Love much like the rain, can get carried back to the clouds for some time until it builds up its strength to fall once again. It will always fall again.

"Magsimula tayong muli."

Yun ang sabi niya, na parang kay dali lang ibalik lahat nang iniwala niya. Sa tagal niyang nawala hindi ko lubos maisip pang babalik siya na tila ba parang wala lang nangyari.
Ang walang hiya, sasabihin na kasalanan ko din naman kung bakit siya nagdesisyon umalis para hanapin yung sarili niya at ayun hinayaan ko na. Hindi ako martir. Bingi na kasi siya sa mga pakiusap kong subukan namin ulit.
Sa nagdaan na panahon na wala siya, pilit ko din inaayos yung lahat na binasag niya. Pilit pinagdikit ang natitirang bubog ng pagkatao ko na dinurog niya. Tinahi yung gutay gutay kong puso at pilit na ginamot hanggang sa maghilom.
Ang pagmamahal na inapak apakan niya lang ng makapal niya na tsinelas ay pilit niyang pinapadampot sa akin na para bang gusto niyang ialay ko ulit sa kanya. Tatanggapin ko ba ang proposisyon niya? O baka naman nabagot lang siya kasi walang mapaglaruan na iba?
Ang hirap sa kanya libre na nga binalewala niya pa.
Sobra akong nagpakatanga sa kanya noon. Ngayon, kahit nasa harapan ko siya nagtatanong kung pwede pa ba? Nanumbalik man ang sakit ng nakaraan na dati pilit ko winawaglit. Nasabi ko na lang sa kanya.

"Hinding hindi na ako magpapaloko ulit tama na siguro yung nagpakatanga, naging alipin, sumugal, nagmakaawa at kailanman hindi ako naging sapat sa maling tao at sa maling pag-ibig."

This is my body
Size 12, wiggle room
Jiggly thighs, 5’2
(And a quarter. It matters)
Overgrown roots blend
Into DIY blonde,
Somewhere in between
“Well kept” and “definitely depressed”
Acne scars, decently white teeth
Scar on my brow from that time I tried
Rollerblading into the sun, I swallowed the pavement on the way down. You can still see the cracks in my teeth, just underneath my laugh lines. I always tried to stay as positive as possible. No matter what.

This is my body, it holds memories like water weight.
Destined to burst, void of drains,
Man Made pores- formed from the inside out by cries for help that never surfaced.
Porous and calloused, found out that its purpose for a year straight was simply surviving.

This is my body. Flashbacks on a marquee, survivor’s hands painted nicely, so no one ever asked me why they were so *****, and broken, and ******.

This is my body
His dead skin under my nails,
Petrified.
Proof of a fight. scars on my arms
North of my elbow: survivor’s guilt in the shape of a Star, I spent last summer wishing night after night I wasn’t alive- I was so tired from pretending.

This is my body.
Latches like a leech to anything warm.
****** dry all of my loved ones in the year I spent spiraling,
searching for solace or sanity-
even safety. Found nothing but panic.
Nervous bird in a cage.
Narrow shoulders.
Boxer’s stance.
Dancing on the front line where I should have been to fight
Using my fists never worked.  
Neither did screaming “no, no, no”
Present until that very day. And now I lay silent.
Absent like a soldier, staring into space.
Trying to make sense of the shaking.


This is my body.
I have my mother’s eyes, her mother’s brain.
Black and white, strict like law,
Cemented in place for weeks at a time,
Then Moving at the speed of light, I cannot stop or I will die.
Creaky chest upside down, my stomach clings to my ribs.
Stand still until the room stops spinning
Or until my head stops hurting
And my legs stop shaking
And you stop when I ask you to stop
“This is my body” I whisper behind your hands as you steal all autonomy
I am left with nothing


This is my body.
He took it from me,
Did not even have to try to ruin my insides,
Did not blink an eye in the year I spent unraveling in front of everyone I loved,
Pulled out every lash I had, lost my job because of panic attacks,
But I am commanding it back.
I spent the last 6 months building from the ground up.
Spent the last 12 taking up the space I did not before.
The last 3 learning that it’s okay to.
I stopped apologizing in January.
I started yelling again in February.
It took that long to think anyone would ever hear me,
No one ever had.
This year I took my body back.
This is my body. Size 12, 5’2. Wiggle room.
Sometimes it can’t breathe right and shuts down in big crowds.
But this is my body and it is big and it is loud.
It takes up space, it is strong, it is pretty.
This is my body and for absolutely none if it, am I sorry.
Not a single part.

I took my anger and laced it
all around me like a corset
only because I thought the posture
would be more appealing
than my soft spoken disposition
but isn’t it beautiful to be soft
can’t I be vulnerable
and can’t that be a part of my divinity
praises echo in my sanctuary heart
and life flows through me
the meek shall inherit the earth
and I will shamelessly weep at your feet
sometimes it’s so hard just to exist
in this body
and my spirit knows the day is coming where I part from it
but here I am, a home
everything that I touch grows
since I’ve shed enough tears
to water my garden
for the years to come
press the petals to my lips
I want to be soft
like this
I want a soul so gentle
it makes even the harshest man stop where he is, and cry
so why does my kindness get mistaken
for weakness when I had to be braver
than anyone could have expected me to be
I thank god for the way that I broke
I hope it gave way for the light in me
to reach somebody else
in all of its sincerity

I thought I was God,  
I was brought-up-by-poetry,
I'd go toe2toe,  
reach each blow4blow,
oh, & thank you, for blowing me,
I clawed up
afraid of heights
from the sights just from growing me,
yup, I fought and I shot up,
& yup I got caught
I: all for naught.,
&all that I bled.

I wasn't brought up this dead,

a sick stick em' up kid.
with a "thank you for sewing me"
a black-and-blue hue
again thank you for knowing me,
l learned each low elbow so low,
been up/down + below
  but again just so you know
the lowest of low was never<as low as

me.

I thought I was a living God,  
I was brought-up-by-poetry,
I was just an unjust fraud,
I applaud : the , "keep on just sewing me,"
I nod to go toe2toe
4 every  blow4blow, blowing, me
I clawed up
shot up, yup I got up
got caught .

Taught,
I all for naught.
Not the way I was brought up.
Yeah, man I can kick it. Yeah,
this sick stick em up kid.
Mr. Black-and-blue
how you got caught with each low elbow so low,
burned& turned:
head-is-full,
pedestal pirate,
a tyrant,  

that forgot about poetry.
beat by a trick-by-trick treat, so sweet
gets to be ******,
So,
******:
            a rich nose itch to be sneezy.
I unknowing, I queasy  
I paid the cost to get lost, and uneasy,
easygoing was easy,  
I used. To tease me,
U'used.  To disease me. I got to get going,
became afraid of heights just for growing up,

I guess, a messed,
you, know-nothing: know nothing
I know I was was better with poetry.
the half-man that I am, I only,
am' lonely,
just knowing me.
The lowest of lows
was never as low as
me.

apat na letra lang yan pero bakit parang ang daming kahulugan..
napakaraming nais iparating ngunit pilit na ikinubli sa apat na letra
kumakawala, pumipiglas ang mga patalim nitong may taglay na lason na maaaring magdikta ng libong sakit

at pasensya ka na, hindi ata nakarating ng maayos sa aking pang-unawa ang nais **** sabihin

"bakit ka ganyan, mahal?"
"ewan"
"may problema ba tayo?"
"ewan"
"mahal mo pa ba ko?"
"ewan"

pero mas masakit palang marinig na ewan din ang sagot mo sa tanong na bakit.

bakit mo ko patuloy na sinasaktan?


sige, wag mo nang sagutin.




nagsasawa na ko sa mga ewan mo



ngunit, putangina, hindi sa iyo.



nagsasawa na ko sa sakit na ibinibigay mo, hindi naman ito ang ipinangako mo pero ewan...

siguro nga'y mahal na mahal lang kita kaya't sa lahat ng ewan na binanggit mo isa lang ang alam kong sigurado...


hindi ko alam kung paanong magsisimula muli, ewan.. bahala na'ng pusong sawi sa pagbuo ng mga piraso nitong dinurog ng lapastangang pag-ibig na alam mo.

isinulat ni: Stephanie Dela Cruz

\

isang daang tula.
sabi ko noon ay bibigyan kita ng isang daang tula
mga tulang magiging gabay mo kung sakaling mawala ka man sa akin, o kung ilayo ka man ng ating mga tadhana, o kung paalisin mo na ko sayong tabi,
ngunit pangako, hinding hindi magiging dahilan ang kusa kong pag alis, pangako yan.
itong mga tulang ito ang magiging gabay mo kung sakaling maisip **** ako ang kailangan mo at ako ang gusto **** makasama hanggang dulo
itong mga tulang ito ang magiging resibo mo, magiging ebidensya ito ng kung paano kita minahal ng pagmamahal na hindi mo kailanman naibigay sa akin

isang daang tula.
alam mo bang tula ang una kong minahal kaysa sa iyo
ibinuhos ko lahat ng mga inspirasyon, pag-ibig, luha at pati tulog ko'y isinantabi ko na para sa kanila
dahil ako rin ang mga tulang ito,
alam mo namang isa kong babasaging salamin na paulit ulit na binabasag ng mga taong gustong maglabas ng sama ng loob, ng matinding emosyon, isang salaming kakamustahin kapag gusto nilang ipaalala sa sarili nila na maganda sila at mahalaga at kamahal-mahal at importante...
ako nga ang mga tulang ito, at paulit ulit kong pinaghirapang buuin muli ang aking sarili, ang bawat dinurog na piraso ko'y sinusubukang buuin muli gamit ang hinabing mga tula
itinago ko sa bawat maririkit na salita ang mga lamat na hindi na maaalis pero pipilitin ko...
at sa huli naisip kong hindi ko lang pala gustong sumulat at bumigkas ng tula..
gusto ko rin maging tula ng iba, na mamahalin ako katulad ng pagmamahal na ibinuhos ko sa mga ito

at ayun nga... dumating ka.

ngunit tanong ko pa rin sa aking sarili itong palaisipan...  "naging tula mo ba ko talaga?"


hindi.

dahil hindi ka naman talaga interesado sa mga tula.


alam ko naman kung anong nais mo talaga..

ang gusto mo'y musika.


maganda, masarap sa pandinig, masasabayan mo sa pagsayaw... maipagmamalaki.


hindi naman ako musika... isa lamang akong tula.



isang daang tula.
alam mo bang kung nakakapagsalita lamang ang aking mga sinulat ay sigurado akong magtatampo sila
dahil naisulat na ang tulang bukod tangi sa lahat, tulang pinaka mamahal ko higit sa lahat
ito ay ang bawat tulang isinulat ko para sa iyo..
isa... dalawa... tatlo.. hindi ko na mabilang kung gaano karaming tula na ba ang naisulat ko para sayo
ngunit mas marami ata yung mga tulang isinulat ko nang dahil sayo
at wag kang mabibigla kung sasabihin kong hindi lahat ng iyon ay puro kilig, puro saya, puro tamis ng sandaling kasama kita
dahil sa bawat pagkakataong hindi mo namamalayang sinasaktan mo ako ay sumusulat ako ng tula
may mga pagkakataong ikaw ang dahilan ng mga luhang siyang naging tinta nitong aking pluma na pinangsulat ko ng tula

wag kang mag-aalala, hindi nasasapawan ng kahit anong sakit at pait ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo. :)


isang daang tula.
teka, kailan ba tayo nagsimula?
napakabilis ng panahon, lumilipas na kasing bilis ng pagningning ng mga bituin sa gabi
hindi pa tayo tapos mangarap ngunit tumitigil na... natapos na ang pagkinang.
inaawat na tayo ng kalawakan... o teka... mali pala... dahil ikaw ang umawat sa kalawakan
pinatay mo ang sindi ng pinakamakinang na bituing pinangakuan ko ng wagas na pagmamahal sa'yo habambuhay
wala nang natira.. pati ang mga bulalakaw na nagdadala ng milyong paghiling kong makasama ka hanggang dulo ay wala na, lumisan na
at hindi ko naman inasahan na sasama ka sa kanila
hinihintay kong hawakan **** muli ang aking kamay nang mas mahigpit sa paghawak ko ng kamay mo katulad ng una't pangalawang beses nating pagkikita pero
binitawan mo ako mahal



isang daang tula...












teka muna mahal, hindi ko pa naisusulat ang pang isang daan
bakit ka'y bilis mo namang umalis... hindi mo man lang hinintay na matapos ko ang mga tulang ito na nagpapatunay na minsan may tayo


pero pangako...


tatapusin ko itong isang daang tula at hindi ito magtatapos sa pang isang daan dahil susulat pa ko ng mas marami, susulat ako nang mas marami pa hanggang sa hindi na ikaw ang tinutukoy ng mga salita sa aking tula, hanggang sa hindi na ikaw ang buhay nitong aking pagtula...
ipapaalala ko sa aking sarili na ako ang mga tulang ito at hindi ako magtatapos sa panahong pinili **** umalis kesa basahin ako, pinili **** iwanan ang tunay na nagmamahal sayo, sabi mo iingatan mo ang puso ko ngunit hindi mo ba alam? ikaw ang muling sumira nito kaya't heto... may dahilan nanaman para sumulat ako ng tulang magbubuo ng mga piraso ng aking sarili na dinurog mo... pinili **** saktan ako, pinili **** lumayo para sa sarili mo, pinili **** maghanap ng mas maganda at mas higit sa akin, ang dami dami **** pinili mahal ngunit bakit hindi ako ang isa sa mga pinili mo? ah. alam ko na. dahil nga pala may mas higit pa sa pagpipilian kaya bakit nga ba ako ang pipiliin mo diba?


pero pinapangako ko... isa lamang akong tulang hindi mo pinag-aksayahan ng oras para basahin ngunit balang araw ay magkakaroon din ako ng sukat at tugma, ang mga salita sa aking malayang pagsulat ay tatawaging liriko at kapag ganap na akong maging musika... pangako.... huling pangako ko na ito para sayo kaya't makinig kang mabuti...




mapasabay ka man sa  saliw ng aking musika, kailanma'y hindi na ko ang kanta, liriko, musika, at tulang isinulat para sa iyo.

Deep in my subconscious live puppet masters pulling strings on my lifeline as if we are build with a data-log
Consciously inventing evil dominions and armadas of plague, death & destruction
Hellbent Devils instructed to command and destroy the HUMAN RACE...
Putrid Sanctums; Mega-diabolical Instruments of Death & Doom
Slowly feeding on the ENLIGHTENED ONES & HOLY ONES

Heavenly Armada my D0MINI0N shall overtake the EARTH by Surprise and you all will NOT SEE IT COME...I shall come like a thief in the night to steal all the STARS and ALL the Planets at ONCE... FROM THE MOUTH OF THE LORD HAS SPOKEN!!!

Be prepared Oh Little creatures my Creations for from DUST YOU WHERE CREATED AND TO DUST U SHALL RETURN...sayest, the LORD. Amen