Crazy, dumd, ugly

Give me another word to through in this poem

This **** describes me
This **** defines me

Don't you know?
Haven't you heard?!

Disappointing, unworthy, AND useless!?!?

           Okay....

(Schizophrenia, learning disability, drug use etc.)

**** I guess I found an excuss for almost every defining, outlining, "description" about me!!!

I try to hide how you make me feel
Teach myself a brave face and honest smile
Though my muscles tire of being forced in opposing directions
The power you hold rips felt like spirit and soddens saddened soul

I wrap myself in layers of woollen protection to hide the scars
Though anyone can see the bloodied oozing of my constant carpet burn.
It seeps from out my eyes as I look with glazed pretence
It slips between whispered words in silent cries of lies

For too long have you dragged me behind
Kept me to the fallen floor
Where once it was soft; I closed my eyes and hugged its warm plush for comfort.
Now, it becomes bare
Rough and damaging
Itching my bones
And exposed to its body of sandpaper I waste away.

I wait for you to realise
To remember I am there
Pick me up and make me better like you did in the days before I angered you
Alas, you only ever look back when telling me it’s where I belong.

I follow your lead
Unable to break myself from your grip
Deathly departed in soulless belief
Why do I still believe in you?

I might be in love
With the idea of loving me
Before loving for a relationship
All this time
Searching for validation
In someone else's love for me
But how was I expecting them to
Truly love me
When I am just now beginning
To love myself
But now I might
In love with
Self respect

i say it's too fast
too much, too soon, just stop
have some self-respect

If I could fly,

I would cross the oceans,
mountains and forests,

I would fly right above the places I wished to go with you,

I would wake up the sun and sleep in the moonlight,

I would fight the gale and the rain,

I would get lost in the wind,

With my wings spread across the sky;

I would tear between the rainbows,

I would feel my eyes shine and a smile, that is true,

And;

I would also wish to never come back to you.

where did we go wrong
I know I can't stay here
I hope you take care
wherever that is

sometimes you makes me feel like
such a *****
that I'm convinced I'm even more sick
you laugh at slit wrists
but you can bite the tongue you bit

don't to bite the hand that feeds you
I wish you fed yourself self respect
so I could swallow and digest it

here we go again
where did we go wrong
I know I can't stay here
I hope you take care
wherever that is

you might find me somewhere
my plans for the future
includes a steady vocation

consider this a vacation
as my poetry travels through the air
I'll be making rhymes and cop
some flows

just hope you're not another
obstacle because you are the fork
in the road
when i need to make a right I make a wrong
yet continue along

where did we go wrong
I know I can't stay here
I hope you take care
wherever that is

yesterday was like today
but today I trust even less of what
these people say
I live in shame and take all blame

it doesn't matter how you choose
to play the game
the game plays you so respect yourself
and don't forget
what you're about
or where you're from

where did we go wrong
I know I can't stay here
I hope you take care
wherever that is

she walks across my mind
she bends around my spine
a queen that moves each tide
she wins battles of will
she is a strong but beautiful still
and I promise that you ****
cause,who is she but only the soldier in me