It isn’t fair anymore
You get the fun of wanting to be alive
You get the pleasure of living
You’re not trapped
Why do you get that right?
Why wasn’t I allowed that too?
Did I do something wrong?
I was just a baby
I want to do something to make it up
Something to show I deserve it just like you
It just isn’t fair anymore
You get that joy of not being stuck
I can’t see
It’s too dark
Explain to me how that’s fair
Why does everyone get that but me
The food passes by
But what’s the point
Why do I need to prove myself?
Show how much I need this
I don’t want anything
It’s a right
Not a privilege
Can I stay with you?
There’s enough room for me too
I’m tired
When I sleep it’s okay
But I can’t sleep all the time

I pull up grass and feel guilty about it
I know it’s not bad.
So why can’t I stop?
The blade just keeps looking up at me
“Why did you do it again?”
“It hurts”

There’s scars on the yard from the last times
It’s fine.
I’ll water it when I feel better
So why can’t I stop?
The silver just keeps looking at me
“Why’d you do it again?”
“It hurt”

I pull up the grass and feel guilty about cuts
The lawn will grow back
I cover up my arms and legs
The ground is barren and mowed to dirt
So why can’t I stop?
The blade stares
“Again?”
“…”

getting harder daily not to break down, cry.
this feels like such a waste of a life.
waiting for the day that i finally cross the line,
and yet it never comes. you stay. you choose me, us, every time.

I remember, not so long ago,
i was someone else.
Someone i tried to finally
accept.

But darkness,
Oh, my darkness -
it devoured me.
Once again.

The poisoned touch of yours -
an electric current,
running through my body.

I knew,
you wanted me for
a dance of the sheets.
Manipulated by the
romance of empty trees,
i could not leave.

While seeking for a cozy blanket,
i lost myself in this cal forest.
Loving you was a way of self harm.

if i carved my pain
into my skin,
if i starved myself
into nothing,
if i made a graveyard
of my body,
would you believe me then?

tell me,
how much of me
must i destroy
before you see
i'm already gone?

I said id stop
I said id try
But everything i say those words
I know they're lies
While I hold the blade
My mind goes blank
My body does what it does
I have no control
Eventually the pain pulls me out of the trance
Then I see the effect of what I've done
The fresh blood..
The scars on my thighs and arms
The pain that will never go away