Like nobody sees the naked air
Nobody notices her quiet tears
She longs for a light, a fire perhaps
To embrace all her unyielding fears.

She dances her spirit in the rain
Claps with the crowd and hides the pain
She dreams of a place to live upon
Before she knows it, she's come undone.

Nobody hears the way she speaks
Taste of her own doubt makes her voice weak
In the darkest of the night she cries
No single star to guide her wish in the sky.

Under a jesters hat in the court of kings
is a dancing peasant before the queen
such fine robes of purple silk do I wear
fancy that.. you pretty thing.
Such splendid tea parties with the finest of ladies
conversing gaily of the weather
and other such nonsense
things I know not
What utter tripe
guttersnipe
ne'er-do-well
pouring tea
Such dainty things the tailor brings
twirling in such finery
while the little piglet powders it's nose
and calls herself pretty

Do you see me?
Or are you just looking?
Do your hear me?
Or are you just listening?
Do you feel me?
Or are we just touching?
Do you want me?
Or are you just caught?
Do you want me?
Or do you just need me?

A painted image
False happiness as people tell me I'm amazing
And a pre-written set of lines to keep me going

I wish I had their humility
That I didn't rethink myself daily
That my mind didn't relapse into hate

I don't look in the mirror because I'm afraid of what I'll see
I don't stare closely at my body or I'll point out my flaws
And I force my mind to call me beautiful until I believe it again

"I wish I had your confidence"
Do you wish you had such hard relapses of hate
And to doubt your own thoughts until you wish you were so much different

Wallow, wallow, wallow
Until the first cracks
Show on your body.
Bees on lips
And whales in your woods
Make your life uneasy.
You manage to overdo the thinking
Which makes you unhappy
Deaf and blind
Yet even more beautiful.

The coffin of your closest relative
Never asked you anything
But you keep on justifying
Every little detail of your past.
Now you exhale yourself
On a wild bouquet of dandelions.

Keep still
For a moment.

You’re safe from questions in your own reflection
Another brain thinks for you,
VANITAS winks at you but you don’t give her attention,
Skulls and faded flowers smell like danger,
Nothing good can ever come out of that.

I may be saving your life,
I may stroke your neck but gently,
Leave your beauty intact
But with a bruise.

THE PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE IMMENSELY TALENTED
BUT DOUBT THEMSELVES
I LOOK UP TO THEM, IN HOPE TO LEARN THEIR WAYS
LIKE A BABY BIRD LEARNING HOW TO FLY WATCHES ITS MOTHER FLY
THEN JUMPS OUT OF THE NEST AND FOLLOWS IN PURSUIT

I DONT LEAVE THE NEST


BECAUSE IF THOSE PEOPLE HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THEMSELVES
I MUST BE PATHETIC FOR EVEN TRYING.

You are supposed to be my father,
To support me no matter what.
But all you do is put me down,
And it makes me want to cut.

I cannot give what I do not have.
I had it once.
I was created/born with it (I think).
I lost it, first time diagnosed,
Most recent when insane,
Do NOT lose trust in your own mind,
I cannot give what I do not have.....
My own mind.........
Doubt asks multiple questions,
I have zero percent answers now,
I know once it gets to less than zero
The negative space will have won.....
And I will have changed.......
But without your current positive space
Within negative space I cannot
Continue with you.
......here we are and I am friends
With
Doubt.......
I face everyone everyday.......
(lots of dots - no negative signs except for this break previously)
Face with Doubt - acceptance, reluctance, no choice - ance :-)
I Learn to question every thought and re-question the motivation behind,
Behind (no mistake) the thought (but my mind slows, I know)
If motivation is OK/acceptable (i.e. non harming - i injured/destroyed insects on the steps to my current housing - I tried avoidance but without guarantee - drink helps ease this guilt also)
Then if the thought will not result in negative spacial harm ( I have no way of quantify-ing this until after the fact but it helps future decision making - (when I can remember :-(      )
but again i lack future projection skills - anyone who reads this with whom I have never physically interacted with - how am I (i) supposed to know the difference/change - too many **ing strange coincedences in my life have helped my current world environment view - but I digress - maybe i should end this :-) - night night (in Eire) and no more beer :-)  listening to 'nice' (personal intrepretation) music now - stop typin....... )