It's been a long journey to find myself..
Dark thoughts and self harm along the way..
Demons scratch at the fragile walls of sanity..
When will I find peace?
When will I be happy?
This dysphoric feeling of confusion..
Who am I?
What am I?
Where do I belong?
Am I her or am I him?
It was so confusing at first..
But now I see.. I am him.. will this make me happy? Darkness threatens me. The demons continue to claw, making me more fragile..
It's hard to pretend to feel..
To feel anything other than pain and emptiness..
But the journey must continue..
For I want to be happy.

I sit with my back to the wall
Hazy gaze on the wall in front of me
In the distance there's cries and shouts
My eyes are falling
My mind is somewhere else
Floating watching someone else
That's not me
Those aren't the words i meant to say
I lied so much I cant tell whats real anymore
Everything goes so slow
Yet the time ticks by faster and faster
Dread builds up in my stomach
Someone asks me for a dollar
But I can't find my voice to speak

"She's the perfect girl" he screamed,
Describing her as the funniest to be seen,
But does he know what the heart hides?
Does he know the art of disguise?
Each day the sun sets,
she's the same broken girl
Who goes home to rest,
"The day surely has been a tough test" she moans imprisoned in painful thoughts,
She has the loudest voice in school,
Alas, at nights she screams and cries without a single sound,
Hugging her tear- Stained teddy bear,
She picks her best friends call without a care,
Voice as happy as ever,
she makes a joke,
Behold, she's alone again, imprisoned in her own hell again,
She remembers each night how the world ripped her soul,
Now her heart isn't a whole, even after several years
She's the same broken girl who cries silent tears

Save me from my remnants,
That flake away
From my soul.

Bury me alive,
Away from those
Who draw me in so easily.

An emotional scratching post
To them is all
I ever was,

Reach inside
My hollow chest
And finish what they started,

For I am nothing but a seed
Traversing this
Barren dirt,

Left only to
My dire thoughts,
Taking slowly my life essence.

The clouds, they overcast this
True face with a
Gilded mask,

As I'm left to
Scream beneath it,
Oh, save me from my remnants.

Stuck in the thick that drags me under
I struggle for breathes, grasping for the surface
The runner appears beyond the drowned
Do you see me?

A sense of familiarity blankets my surroundings
Yet it is shrouded with insecurity
The runner stops to peer into the abyss
Can you help me?

I reach to where the moon and stars used to be
Your conflicted face reduces to fear
Only hesitating before fleeing
Where are you going?

I sink deeper than before
As the runner abandons the gloom
A stream of tears left next to your footsteps
Why are you crying?

Now I am consumed
Now I am alone
And now I am tired
Why did you leave?

Waiting on the elevator
For my day of labor
Instant gratification after
Days of waiting safer
Now we talk in secret
Spaces craving the others
Flavor of disgust leaving
Rust in my joints and bones
Masochistic I remember
Pain has always been my
Home.