Please forgive me, and give me
A chance to redeem myself, for I have
Forgotten how, presently and until now
I've been surpemely, unspeakably
Blessed by your presence, your essence
Enveloping me is
the kingdom of heaven
Throughout and within, you therein
is the Queen, and I die for you -
When my eyes meet your eyes I am gone and am one with you.

your skin on mine;
we lie here

with fingers interlaced
and our eyes locked
then with legs intertwined
and my head cocked
in the crook of your neck

here is where i feel safest;
my skin on yours

i craved the fleeting warmth of her impossible kiss
     i still do
           i thought she hated me with my entire being;

yet i longed for nothing more for her to be draped over me
with tender touches and sweet sighs
instead of being held against my will,
as my unwilling, lovestruck body was dragged & pushed --
not lovingly embraced, desired, or cherished; just scorned.

i felt the weight of my arched ankles manipulated by her dainty, ballerina figure i worshiped
coupled with my gasping breaths wrapped around her fickle, faithless fingers,
and i ravenously called this love.

i pick an orange for my love
rough exterior hiding softer insides
the gentle curve, the sweet scent, the bright color
i peel an orange for my love
the rind falls to the floor like––
i hold it in my hands like i hold her heart
i eat an orange for my love
each segment curved like her sunshine smile
the juice dripping like––
my love is like an orange blossom
she blooms only for me

and i have whispered
as if you were near,
about how much i loved you
and everything that you hold dear,
yearning to hold you
and for you to love me too --

to the point that i forgot
how much it bled
to see you ooze with love
dripping from your saccharine lips
that sugar-coated the names of others
overlooking, while i was in sight
as i silently pleaded,
i do not want you to see me through the eyes of others
i want to be seen by you

and as i poured my heart
into letters,
messages,
stories,
sentiments,
and secret poetry,
adorned with your favorite chocolates
over the years,

the reality that pained me so much
was not that you did not love me
or that you never said so back
yet only to those i felt i lost to you,

it is that you could not bring yourself
to genuinely apologize or feel sorrow
for any excuses or explanations you had
in forgetting me, even after you said
you would be with me and embrace me,
only for me to see, time and time again,
how you valued others
in the tens and thousands of words
i have seen with my own eyes,
in a space you welcomed me in,
as i am no more than a thought that left your heart and head,
for that these are the words you neglected to return to me.

and i realized
i am loved;
and i am forgotten.

my lover twirls grace and beauty
between her fingertips
her golden hair gleams like sunlight
and her breath flows like wind
i can liken her to flowers
but they hold no candle to her
she moves like a river
gentle, slow, and flowing
i understand now the desire
that Eve had that day in Eden
aching to feel the sweet nectar
flow down her chin and to her breast
wanting to taste what she never could have
and, God, did it feel good.

I have found God on my knees,
read scriptures along your lifelines.
I sang your praises into my hardwood floor,
memorizing every note as they fell from my lips.
Hold me close and make me believe in a deity I can only see by starlight.

Our bible is not written in ink.
It is a roadmap of purples and blues scattered along my collarbones,
parables of passion bruised into my hips.
I will give you this body
if you will show me divinity until the glints of morning touch this church of hollow promises and hot breath.

I will murmur my sins into your skin
until the morning makes us mortal again.
But for tonight
make me your disciple,
let me drink you in like sweet ambrosia
until I am sure that the stars spell your name.
For tonight,
make me absolute.

i am not a woman. but
my time in the shadows
has taught me
how best to love them.

yes, i have loved others
but my capacity
for loving women
is unmatchable.

years of denial,
turns to regret-
fueled yearning for
a love ‘unattainable’

until now.

what a gift it is
to love and be loved by
a woman.

it took me almost two decades to realize
if i try to live by the standards of others
i(t)’ll never be enough.
leaving behind the agony of perception.
embracing this idea of ‘contradiction’
cuz really, nothing is more confusing than
having to hide this big a piece of yourself.

"i am not just bisexual
i am a lesbian
i am not just a lesbian
i am a bisexual lesbian.

i have had love for a woman
deeper than for any man.
i desire a woman to be my partner in life.
i love women.
i am a lesbian.

i have loved men.
i have sought love where it offered itself.
today i choose to choose a woman.
i love women.
i am a lesbian.

and too
i am bisexual
in my history
in my capacity
in my fantasies
in my abilities
in my love for beautiful people
regardless of gender.

i have the right
to claim my lesbianism
and my bisexuality
even if it confuses you."

it’s taken me too long;
too many years and forced feelings
to let myself be shoved back
into your neat, little boxes
of simple binarism.
there is nothing simple
about being a trans ****.