maybe its that I'm not meant to forget you forever

I remember when I was 10,
And I saw my father cry.
I asked him "Daddy, what makes people sad?"
He told me people get sad because the warriors
Go to sleep
He said, people get sad because the sun will eventually fall
Even though it just began to rise.
People get sad because one day someone can wake up and say
"I don't care about you anymore."
I think I understand why people get sad,
I am sad too.
The warriors have gone to sleep,
The sun has fallen into an endless horizon,
And even my father has told me,
"I don't care about you anymore."

I held the Bible,
once blanketed in fragile red and green--
my parents with furrowed brows
as I sat and forced my nose into each page.
I was 7.

My legs strode down the street after the slumber party.
Smoothing my sweater and shaking,
I feared being shunned within sacred walls.
"Honey, you don't have to go with them."
I was 12.

Smiles came free with my new camaraderie.
Being filled with the gospel of hatred,
"Keep doing good, you're going to hell."
My chest tumbled through my abdomen.
I was 16.

I learned that my heart could skip beats
as he held me on that skinny hard mattress.
Little did I know I wouldn't be Godly enough,
at least my lips didn't taste of deceit, too.
I was 18.

Slight contempt flooded my veins
as he lied to protect me.
"She's not Catholic, Dad, that's all,"
and I could feel the eyes I couldn't see.
I was 19.

Peace overcame me as I looked out
at the opportunities that exist
to exchange dopamine to one and to all.
Faith is not above me, but around us.
I am 24.

He said I was anything
He wanted me to be
I broke through hours
Of visiting rooms
Open caskets
Dreams of tombs
I ripped the fingers from my
Bleeding
Maybe it's too soon

Inexplicably he found the facets
Of my neurotic
Triggers too
Satiated
Too expendable
Left me
To wrinkle and dry
In the stale porcelian tub
Never really grasped onto
Why I was so numb

I never wanted to.
I didn't say yes,
In fact you never even asked.
Did you think this would ever affect me?
Did you think that one day I'd be too ****** up for anyone to ever want me again
Did come to mind that one day I wouldn't be able to get out of bed.
That one day, I'd cry broken sobs into my pillow just to feel.
That ever since I've been trying to forget, trying to fill the void
The void that you ripped into my chest.
You made nothing feel good, you broke the last living part of my body
But I think now, I'm finally whole
Whole and alone.
The way you wanted it.