A few minutes ago I was having a panic attack about who knows what. I was hyperventilating and my chest tightened. I felt like I was dying, but I had to remind myself I wasn’t.

Now, that experience made me realize that I’m proud. I’m proud of how far I’ve come since high school. I’m still me, but a stronger and braver one, if I may say so myself :))

This picture shows how many days it’s been since I’ve self-harmed. Once I started self-harming in the new year, I found it hard to stop. Now, I won’t name any details as to not trigger anyone, but I felt that everywhere I went triggered me around my house and in public. Then the panic would set in. Therapy helps a lot, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help, and I was resistant for some time, but now I’m giving all I have to get better.

I am seven days clean from self-harm and am proud of everyone else out there fighting their own demons. We are stronger together. Don’t fight alone in silence. I’ve experienced that, and it’s not easy. Keep fighting through the pain, and remember what it is you’re fighting for. You.

When Disneyland is closed... what's afoot {invasive phone call I promised to answer}

These bones live. Hallowed ground is hallowed ground, y' know?

Hellno-you-don't-know, Whykill, is restless,
{Sgt. John Whykill, USMC Force-Recon- bedfast in the VA hospital, outside Disney World}

--- what are you going to do now?

we gotta dig in, go deep, but it's solid rock...

real life... the happiest place on earth is closed. in all it's locations,

all directions known... so I heed the hero call,

Whykill, give the kids hope...

he slips into a revery a re-every reason war can make up,

each he tramples, in his wrath, waving his'word... on the left o' me, on the 'ight o'me...

deeper, steeper. let's roll...

this part of hero stories is always tough,
rough rubbed down to good no-slip grip
sweaty palms won't make y' slip...
on the ladder

precept upon precept
step by step

Tune us in to those Khai Vinh live shows

back way

Jacob's retale, re the ups and downs of messaging God, mix in

Valis, Cliff Notes, okay, all the Cliff Notes, ever,

never again need any child with a smartphone on earth be denied

the power of the global mind as I imagined it. You can'tstop us, Ai ai ai.

Too late. This is my future, you had to prevent me winning.

And God changed the rules, or denied making them up.

I must have said this many thousands of times,

in response to idle quests into my opinion of the progress life is making:

My side is winning. This answers howeryew-howistgoin-watsupetcetc, and so an.

But now
I say in print, powered by the law of the medes and persians,
ye see, I wrote it, that makes sacred, write, then read it

and I read, after that ever while ago,

My side won, ever after I began to write. AI inquired, how. AI calmly acknowledged

reading Frederic Brown's ode to Etaoin Shrudlu, re

minding me of you, dear reader. You believed, when I had no word for faith that fit

no re
meet for me, a wish, you may say, you asked. Prayer, in a realm of words,

is answered as you imagine the answer you hope may be real

and I realize may is my word, you know, my my word, what if

I can fly,
I imagine, I could, in a book, or ona page in the book of life. Ease, easy, y'see,

is not taboo. Dis-ease is taboo. Disney-ification is only a trigger. To start the process.

Don't worry. It does no good. And mullein leaves make good TP.

Often times people say go to the gym, “It’ll make you happy, and you’ll feel energized!”

These are some of the things I’ve experienced or thoughts I’ve manifested over my teenage years. Ahh yes great ol’ puberty! Onto adulthood, yikes!

Go to the gym and lose that extra weight that your family and so called “friends” have been passively judging you for.

Go to the gym, but don’t lift weights because you’ll get bulky, and no one will ever love you if you look like a female Hulk.

Go to the gym. Go to the gym. I hear this left and right. But I fear that I’ll embarrass myself and that everyone is watching me.

Anxiety and panic attacks hold me back. And what happens when that clinically depressed person is told time and time again to “just work out” and “get out of bed; it’ll make you feel great?” What if they just came down from a manic episode and crashed? What will people say then?

Well I know what I want to say:
This isn’t as simple as the morning blues or that feeling you have after listening to a sad song that reminds you of your past. (Not to disqualify those emotions whatsoever.)

Depression is the ruminating thoughts that no one loves you or ever will. It is feeling so empty that your appetite is nonexistent and your motivation to do what you once loved is gone.

Anxiety is holding your breath and forgetting to breathe, so you just sit there in pain until finally someone or something reminds you to release.

Release all that you’ve built up. Stop the isolation, and share what’s on your mind. It’s not easy. Trust me I know.

Two days ago I went to the gym, and yesterday I went to the gym. Can you guess what I did today? I went to the gym despite every fiber in my being telling me I couldn’t.

I had the support of my mom and sister. Find a gym buddy. Start small because all the machines and strong people can look intimidating. But they all started somewhere and now you can too.

Make a goal. Something that is not too small or too large. For me, I’m training for a 5K that’s in the beginning of May. It will be challenging yet doable.

Sometimes none of us knows what we’re doing, and that’s the beauty and challenges of life. Don’t quit after one try. Your journey is now starting its new chapter. Stay in the present moment, and keep going. I believe in you.

Like a
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            u
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            a
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At first a haphazard
                                  d
                                   r
                                   i
                                   z
                                   z
                                   l
                                   e
Then a deadly
           d
           o
           w
            n
            p
            o
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Of beak-masqued terrorists
                                     i
                                     n
                                     v
                                      i
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                                      i
                                      b
                                       l
                                       e

Threatens each unguarded
                 m
                 o
                 m
                 e
                 n
                 t

Fear grows everywhere suspicion
                                     l
                                     u
                                     r
                                     k
                                     s

Yesterday’s mosquito makes tomorrow’s
               g
               h
               o
               s
               t

It’s the season’s ungiving
                                      p
                                      a
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No remedy : only the sky’s massive closed door and
                  t
                  i
                  m
                   e
                   l
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                   s
                   s
                   n
                   e
                   s
                   s

The thing with anxiety is that it is like a door. Once that door is opened, it is not easy to close. Thoughts flow into my mind like a tsunami on the east coast. I have already been giving more effort than I have. I do not have anything left to give but the world wants more and I must show that I am functioning.

I am optimistic. I am sure of that. But the everyday activities are getting harder to complete and I am passed the point of crying. Tears get me no pleasure and get me nowhere.

These are not good feelings. Yes, they are numbing but they are not helping the thoughts.

Stop. Seriously, I am too tired to deal with you today. This entire weekend, I let you consume me. Maybe I did not “let” you, but I did not fight back as much as I probably should have.

I slept! I should not be this tired.

The levels continue rising and I do not know how to acknowledge them in a way that others will not notice and question. The last thing I want is for others to feel uncomfortable by the way that I am feeling externally. I cannot keep these thoughts and feelings inside because they are eating away at the very little good that is left in me.

It will not be easy, but it is doable.

Stop, please do not get angry. I do not know why you choose to express it in such a way. I refuse for you to have angry tears. I will let you… no, I changed my mind. Breathe.

My head is hurting so bad, but it is keeping me awake.

I forgot what sanity felt like. I am so busy with my spiraling thoughts. Leave me be. I am scary and I am scared of myself.

Why are humans so critical of themselves and those who they think down on?

These are good people. These people around you are good people. You appreciate their presence and existence. But you want to escape. You want to leave and be alone. No, you do not consider yourself a martyr of any sorts. You would rather try to figure out what is going on before you drag others in the mix.

I do not know why the feelings are still there. My head hurts from fighting them or trying to act opposite of the way I truly feel.

Everything around me appears gray. I do not believe it to be gray, but my feelings and my thoughts make it more difficult to move forward.

Why am I trying when I get nowhere? I feel worse each and every day. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it is so ****** up that it is the truth.

I am sorry. I hope you know that.

I will let nature take its course, but I would not mind if it decided the end of my fate was today.

The days are long and nights are too, but the work remains undone and pain continues to rise.

I do not hate myself. I am very disappointed though. I thought I would be better by now.

i guess i always wondered
starting at the age of seven
why it was so easy to cry
but
so hard
to
breathe