I spoke to you last Friday,
Lights dim and skirts brushing the floor.
You were wearing folds of blue,
Clad in pleats and flowers.
We talked about nothing of importance,
Pockets and converse and models.
I kept waiting for that recognition,
The twinge in my chest I always feel.
I didn't feel it.
I looked at your face, heard your voice,
Eyes shadowed with sparkle.
I didn't miss you.
I remember our late-night chats,
Endless conversations just like this one.
I couldn't see that girl in you.
I wonder, I can't help it,
If you felt that way as well?
One thought stuck in my mind,
A question you will never hear;
When you were choosing your dress,
In a colour I always loved on you,
The shade of blue I say you've always shone in.
Did I ever cross your mind?
Did you think of me?
Did you remember my praises fondly,
Remember the colour I loved you to wear?
I kept thinking of that dress after that,
Of our first conversation since you left.
I miss that girl.
But I don't miss you.
I think I could be friends with you,
The girl in the light blue dress.
The girl I used to know.

how i missed those
people who planted
little seeds in my heart.

do you remember me? it's been four years. i look so different, but i think i might have seen a flicker of recognition in your eyes, maybe a smile. you look pretty different, too, with that half-baked teenage beard and that new school uniform. i remember how our old school uniform hung off your lily-white shoulders, not yet grown into. you've grown so much. I'm half-convinced i dreamed you, as you were years ago. i saw you and felt a tug in my gut, almost like stepping into a childhood home where someone else has set up a life. why am i am so stuck on seeing you, like it left a hook in my lungs, like a scratched-up CD? maybe because i knew you, but not anymore. maybe because we never really said goodbye. maybe because it was always, always complicated. maybe because we were friends. maybe because of the thumbnail car you left on my hand. maybe because i miss you. maybe because seeing you shot me right back to five summers ago when all that mattered was the melting heat of the oval grass and who we ate lunch with. i hope i see you again. maybe next time I'll say hi. maybe point out the scar and fit it to your thumbnail. maybe never tell you i picked at the scab over and over to have something to remember you by. maybe ask you about your favourite movie.

Bookends with fatty livers and bad backs
squinting at instructions
for another **** fool distraction
and the laughing, thankfully

On the walk, bees, butterflies,
catkin reminders of time and loops
and irregular pooping
as constants

Thankfully, laughing
requires just enough muscles
from those that still work,
but I’ll feel it tomorrow

The awkward silence between you and me
Is the testament of forgotten memories
Even if the past is broken into million pieces
The feeling of happiness still persists
Why is it so old friend?

Why is it that we stopped talking?
Why is it that we stopped enjoying each other's company?
Why is it that we abandoned our adventures?
Why is it that we forgot our Friendship?

Time gone cannot be brought back now
I regret not holding your hand forever
But the least we can do is solve the puzzle of our happiness
Join the pieces of our broken Memories

My intentions weren't to hurt you. I wasn't as good as a friend as I wanted to be. I do care about you because I want you to get help. I still want you to get the help you need, but I know I  can't help you the way you need. It would be selfish for me even to pretend I could. I hurt you and you hurt me.   I wish you could see how much I honestly care about you. I hope one day you will.