Dear Mia,

I don’t know where I’d be without you. Perhaps a thousand more scars would line my thighs and decorate my arms. You gave me something to distract myself with when I thought a blade was the only way to punish myself.

Mia, oh how you came to me at dinner every night like a reliable friend. Reminding me to take sips between bites and chew my food to oblivion. Instructing me like a caring guide on all the right positions to make me sick faster and get everything out. You’d make sure I mouthwashed every night and knew I slept better with the ache of an empty stomach.

But you also left my knuckles raw from the scraping of my teeth. And when I rid of my stomachs contents the headaches I’d get were immensely painful. My heartbeat so fast I couldn’t move for fear of fainting. Constantly checking my breath for halitosis and the fear of eating in public. My family should hire me instead of a plumber having to clean out drains so often when I felt more deserving than the porcelain toilet bowl.

You took a lot out of me Mia. You’re absolutely no good for the dreams my heart holds anymore. And although your shadow will always flicker during meals, I won’t let you be a solid spirit in my life.

-Goodbye✌
P. S. Tell Ana she’s next

"Everyone wants to be a little anorexic" she says

"You know, like, in a glamorous way, like fashion friendly anorexic"

I bite my cheek and nod, pretend to agree

All I can think of is waking up to stars dancing on the ceiling

Pale skin with bruises of unknown origins

And battered feet on and off the scale

Almonds in Ziploc baggies

Bite marks on fingers

Hair down the drain

Measuring crunches by the marks they leave on your spine

And battered feet on and off the scale

Enough water to turn organs into boats

Eating an apple with a fork and knife

Desperate hands grasping for ribs

And battered feet on and off the scale

Standing and the world going dark

Coughing around shots of apple cider vinegar

Carrying an emergency rice cake for weak spells

And battered feet on and off the scale

Enough green tea to drown organs

Sugar free gum to mask the smell of decaying organs

Whatever nail polish covers yellow and purple

And battered feet on and off the scale

How many calories are in toothpaste

Thinspo blogs

Pillows squeezed between thighs

And battered feet on and off the scale

Is today the day my heart gives out

Waking every day in a new body

Fingers clasped around wrists

And battered feet on and off the scale

Notebooks filled with numbers

Purple crescents under eyes

Fingers clasped around forearms

And battered feet on and off the scale

Elbows knocking into hipbones

Being scared of your own reflection

Lies to get out of dinner

And battered feet on and off the scale

The stench of *****

Oxygen that tastes of Splenda

Fingers clasped around biceps

And bleeding feet on and off the scale

 

If this is your idea of glamour

Then you can have it

Missing; nope you’re not missing
In; but you’re still in my life
Action; you’re the action in life
With each tump of my heart you course through my veins
Your love is the marrow of life and it drips from my lips with every formulation of “I love you”
Nervous butterflies fly in my belly because they can’t find their nectar
You’re not missing; my heart disagrees
You’re clearly in; but in is a mater of perspective
You’re full of enriching action; but my anxious mind struggles to keep up
You’re not MIA; My pesky friend named “Mr. Self Love” took the bullet this time

Coffee and cigarettes
I tell myself I have
Coffee and cigarettes
"You don't need food tonight."
Drink coffee.
Smoke cigarettes.
Ignore the rumbling.
"You don't need to eat."

Just one more meal, I tell myself
Is it a lie?
Is it the truth?
It doesn't matter
I shovel bite after bite into my mouth
Chew.
Swallow.
Choke.
Keep it in.
"Just one more bite."
It's therapeutic

My stomach is rumbling
No, I tell myself
"You just ate."
I feel nauseous
"You don't need to eat."
My body is tingling
"You're still full."
[Let's do something about it, then.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I puke.
I watch my body expel all that I ingested.
My forehead is wet
And so is my nape
My body is shaking
Make it stop
My body doesn't listen
I puke
I heave
I retch
I gasp
There, you're not full anymore.

I tell myself it's the cigarettes
I watch my food go down the drain
Too much smoke in my lungs
Too much nicotine in my veins
[Too many lies in your head.]
"Ignore it."
I wipe away the tears
I escape
My stomach rumbles
I need food
So I eat

Coffee
Cigarettes
They make me hungry
I'm always hungry
My stomach is constantly rumbling
Never satisfied
Never pleased
"I'm full."
[Let's do something about it.]
"Please don't."
[Too late.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I cry.

Vision is the art of seeing the invisible
Seeing beyond the pounds of makeup
I smear the goops and snake oils
Onto my face hiding my true self
So I can morph and mold myself
Into whatever ******* society wants me
To be I have an ich I can't
Satisfy because that would
Ruin the hour of miticulous painting
And perfecting I had just
Done to my horrifically
Ugly face
Vision is the art of seeing the invisible
Like when I lock myself in a bathroom
And repent for the caloric sin I
Committed that day
Until both my heart and stomach are empty
Vision is the art of seeing the invisible
Like my invisible tears that I hide in
My heart at the fear of seeming
Insane weak or afraid
Vision is the art of seeing the invisible
Like seeing past the phrase “I'm fine’’
That I seem to repeat over and over
Until it becomes my signature greeting
Vision is the art of seeing the invisible
Like when I glue on a smile for those that
Love me