Weight

Weight
Weight can be heavy
Or barely feel like lifting anything
Weight
Weight is the reason
Anorexic models are
Goddesses in the public
Eye as they strut with
Snapable ankles
Down the runway
Of life
I want to be these
Women
I want their protruding ribs
They're thigh gaps their
Everything
But as I sit
Gawking at the
Fat on my stomach
Face
Chest
And pretty much everywhere
I begin to wonder
Is it worth it
To be toothpick thin
To starve your body of
It's basic primal needs
To wake up only to skip
Breakfast
To ***** out
The sinful calories
To one day never
Wake up and leave
Your family alone
To wake up only
To obsess over
The number on the scale
I shake my head smiling at my reflection
Pulling my shirt down
And limping out of the bathroom
I would eat
Whenever I needed
Whenever I wanted
I have shattered the heavy
Iron chains
Of the goddesses that
Forced me to believe
That my weight
Determined my worth

i am cold in a winter that isn't
so much like winter

i am frozen in the idea of magazines
thinspo
and whatever the opposite of that is

it is still encouraging

i want a ballerina body
i want to surround myself in water and green tea
avocados

i want to be bendy
well, bendier
i want collar bones to push out
ribcage to jut out
thin arms
thin waist

i am tired of stretchmarks and sadness

I recite the thoughts I pray,
I do so everyday,
Just because I like to think
The others will go away.

I thank the Lord for being healthy,
For my body being capable,
I'm pleased that my system's stable.

This is so the fever of my mind,
Won't persist through till mornings light.

I guess it works every time.
You see I might have caught a glimpse,
Of this girl who was called Mia,
She didn't stay too long though;
They said she was sickness,
And I had to be better.

But sometimes I hear her calling,
Most of the time she's silent,
Although she kindly likes to visit.
She likes to play this game
Of thoughts,
But I know that I'm winning.
She wants me to join her team,
Apparently I can't make up my mind,
Or at least that's as it seems.

I thank the Lord for my good health,
And it's bad to contradict,
When I recite my blessings I remember,
This means I cannot make myself sick.

So next time Mia joins me,
For just a little bit,
I remind her of what I know is right,
Even if she doesn't like it.
I tell myself to remain my state of mind:
That I can't go back there
Not just 'one more time'.

Have you seen this girl called Mia?
If you do, please walk away.
I know that she will beg you,
Tell you she wants to stay.
After a while, you'll have taken the time to see,
That this girl called Mia,
Is not actually all that pretty.

"daddy, i'm so tired all the time.."
of course you are.. you barely eat...
"don't i?"
no you don't... you only just eat enough to survive
you eat less than your 5 year old sister.

"what?"
Yea...



- I don't know why... and i haven't thought about it.
I like my body trust me
But i don't want food
I am hungry, but i don't eat till the hunger has passed i only eat because i have to... if i didn't have to i wouldn't eat.
Eating bores me
Eating makes me feel nonproductive

I haven't thought about the fact that i eat less than my 5 year old sister... and i can't understand why daddy hasn't said anything before now..
And now i can't wait to get on the weight because  i wanna see if he's actually right, that i'm losing weight..
Trust me i'm not trying to... idk why i'm doing this...

Agony becomes worn like a trophy,
When the first hero ventures forward
Breathing pandemonium, miasma,
Missed mothers and fathers,
Dreamt, dreams and dreaming;
Allowed, were the stars to explode.

And I’d have let the world die,
When we left, when she left,
When I left,
Walking to the left of the tall oak
Near 2nd street,
With not the mop of twilight hair
Buzzing about, in my path,
Off my path and vibrant.

But in her stead, boulevards break –
Soon she’d be in another’s arms,
Soon she’d be cradled,
Soon another’s song would sing her
To sleep, to dream,
And soon I’d be a-o-k with that.

i've been joyful for the past 4 months... i haven't even had one sad moment....
but all of a sudden i look back at how my family is torn apart, how i changed so much..
how much weight i gained.. how faded my scars are, and i kinda miss the way i fell....

I would never imagine that i could miss something that bad this much..