Falling silent when I speak
Clamour loudly as I weep
Stitched up mouth, who am I now?
Grunts of pain, the only sound

Ignored back then and still today
Excluded always, as I fade
Then they ask me why I'm quiet
I don't choose to sit in silence

Are you ok? I'm just fine
My reply, a dotted line
That which i ask is what I fear
Query turned, and so I steer

I speak of games, I speak of songs
I ignore the list of wrongs
All the shadows' whispered words
They cause my skull to hurt

I am calm, I am the storm
In the dark I'll be reborn
In my lust I drive away
They do not need to stay

Woe is me, I'm all alone
Typing poems on my phone
Isolated by personality
Dissociated from reality

I'm not angry that you hurt me.
I'm angry for the way fear stole the words from my mouth
And surprise bound my hands and legs to the bed.
I'm angry that my mind spun the dial and settled on freeze.
I'm not angry that you hurt me.
I'm angry that silence hung between us,
Thicker than the air I was struggling to breathe,
That the absence of syllables prevented me from giving name
To the violation.
I'm not angry that you hurt me.
I am angry that I let you,
That I convinced myself saying 'yes' after I'd already said 'no'
Meant it wasn't so bad after all.
I'm not angry that you hurt me.
I'm angry that others violated so many boundaries
I thought love was a race to cross the finish over every line I'd ever drawn,
That my best interest and your desires were somehow the same thing.
I am not angry that you hurt me.
I am angry I sought you as a protector to fight the demons YOU gave me,
That I thought you could save me from the fear you were causing.
I'm not angry that you hurt me.
I am angry that the walls are now caving in
Around the idea that I could ever be clean,
That I am alone with the thought I somehow did this to myself,
That had I listened and not been so hell bent on breaking free of the literal chains,
Not been searching for liberation from my childhood hurts ,
Or chasing my power in the line between '****' and '****',
I might still be a "gold-star lesbian" and not tainted goods.
I am not angry that you hurt me.
I am angry you might still get off to the pictures I sent you,
That my manic mental health crises were your free ticket to "play time."
I must have always reeked of angst and desperation,
Little girl playing dress up in a world she doesn't understand,
Seeking solace in a man twice her age,
But he would only seek to cage her in bars of his own making.
Meanwhile, Mother writes it off as having "bad taste in men,"
As if she was not a link in the chain of how I ended up there,
Neglecting to mention I did not consent to being manipulated by a predator.
I'm not angry that you hurt me.
I am angry that I thought seeing past the scars on my skin meant you loved me,
That acknowledging how others had hurt me meant you wouldn't do the same.
I am angry that when your face appeared in my nightmares
I let you tell me I was mistaken,
That when I began to hate the word **** and couldn't stand it to be mentioned,
I believed you when you said it had never happened.
I'm not angry you hurt me.
I'm ashamed it took me a year to leave
Even when you drowned me in enough red flags to make a Matador proud
Because I thought I could fix you.
Was I not broken too?
You made me feel like I owed you for loving me through the cracks,
And I am not one to skip out on debts.
I'm not angry that you hurt me.
I'm angry you stole the skin off my body and safety from my mind,
And I didn't fight back.
I wish you had just killed me so they can't say I was asking for it.
Was that not the purpose of the sword wedged under the mattress?
You should have finished the job when you choked me,
So I don't have to live with this.
I'm not angry that you hurt me.
I'm angry that I didn't stop it.
I'm not angry that you hurt me.
I'm angry that I let you.

We live in the now
The future will take care of itself
The past reminds us how

winter 2021

So patiently I wait
To see what form
My madness will next take

Between the nightmares
And broken sleep
I long for calm
A quiet peace

Yet shelters have become
Far less available
In the storms that have been brewing
For quite some time.

I feel the rain
Gentle at first
Leading me to a moment
Of ignorant calm
I can handle a little bit of rain

But a typhoon
Is another matter entirely

I beg for forgiveness
For something
That is entirely out of my control
Because “Sorry" is a word
That I know all too well.

I dig at my insecurity
Because no one should have to deal with me
So I start to isolate
Shut myself away
Locked in a room
With a typhoon
And no idea why I can’t breathe

So I lash out
At those around me
Unaware that the window, I’m looking out of, at them
Doesn’t show them the storm
That as raging within me.
And because I can’t open my mouth
To beg for help
They can’t see
How very lost I am.

But somehow
The storm breaks for a moment
So I scream, and beg and ugly cry
About everything that is drowning me
And in that moment
The glass shatters
The typhoon rages for all to see
My facade in tatters on the floor
My madness clear for all once more
Shelters are built.
Protections are forged.
I’m supported and strengthened
I feel brave, I feel sure,
And slowly but surely
The storm passes on
A brief hint of sunlight
A battle is won.

But I start to panic,
To wonder and fear
What if you all decided
To abandon me here
Who could blame you,
I’m broken and beaten
And I’m hard work to support
And I’m never who I’m supposed to be.
What if next time, the storm doesn’t break
What if can’t get help before it’s too late.

I don’t want to hurt anyone
I just want to help people heal
So please forgive me my illness
Let’s pretend it’s not real

I’ll keep facing the sun
Live my life true
And try my best
Not to burden the very best of you x

I am not the girl you made me.
I am the woman who grew out of the decay,
The dirt and soot and open grave
You once attempted to shove me into.
I am not the girl who shook like a child,
Clutched her teddy bear after you ***** her.
I am the woman with the sword
You once wedged under the mattress.
It's mine now, along with my dignity.
I will cut you when you dare enter my nightmares.
I am a woman now.
And you're just a man on a long list of men
Who never get to touch my life anymore.
I am THE woman now,
And you're just small.