Pain erupts in my chest
Like sadness has just cracked my sternum
With its cold, gray hammer.
I cannot touch this hurt
With tears or bandages.
I am simply bleeding internally,
Wondering why anniversaries cut so deep,
But it's not that I nearly lost myself,
Held hands with the reaper.
It's that you preceded me death,
And I wonder why in the end it was you and not me.

sometimes I have a hard time
perceiving myself;
the person who I actually am,
I am used to be filled with negative
and draining thoughts
but who am I next to that?
some days I forget that I'm actually
me
under a surface of anxiety and thoughts
under a layer of the weird way my brain functions
maybe I find her again,
I hope to meet her soon.

It's 7:27am
and I still haven't slept
it's probably for the best
even when I sleep I get no rest
I wake up in sweat and out of breath
if sleep was really the cousin of death
I'd be inclined to get more of it
wakefulness is stress but sleep
sleep is something else
sleep is torture for the depressed
sleep is something you tell yourself you need
when your world comes crashing down
when you see no need to get dressed
sleep is what you fall in to
when there's no more stimulation
no more coffee, no more elation
something you do post ******
usually from *******
if you could see my dreams
you'd think of Stephen King's
The Shawshank Redemption
except without redemption
just the seeping hateful retention

One time I was asked “are you better yet”
I just stared at them
But really I wanted to yell
And tell them mental health issues are not temporary

it won't be long
this time won't be too long
i promise it will not last forever.

but somewhere deep inside
wrapped in the darkness of my insides
i enjoy this mental desert - or whatever

The instant the world halts at the sharp sting of truth
A truth, hidden in the dark crevices of doubt and fear
Nursed by trepidation and a series of unfortunate circumstances
Blossoms into pain and a void, longing for fulfillment, with an impossible level of quenchability
A perpetual craving for success to give life its worth
Enough. Being enough
An unattainable cruel hope to create a legacy
Transform wild fantasies to reality regardless of the sacrifice
Humanity quakes at the contrasting purpose for worthiness
Falters and Faith Givers lure sanguine souls
The scintillating light kindling within their minds thrusts forward, past doubt
Imperceptible strategies and mental meringue separates the pack
Those who are always being watched and yet, never being seen
Enacting minute moves while under constant scrutiny
Standards soar sky-high as the margin of error wears thin
Despised by contented simpletons, Ridiculed by the vicious green-eyed monster
Gold paved paths of youth mutate into a maze of wicked, winding cobblestone roads and back alleys
Doe-eyed adolescents evolve into corrupt, vengeful adults.
Aspiration equals goals equals expectations.
Mind vs. Matter, Us vs. Them. Everyone vs. you
Driven by fear and an urge to control the outliner,
Satisfaction suffers under the wings of a hate-filled man.
Decisions bred by envy and trauma, executed by feeble souls.
Spawn backstabbing betrayal; Result in loneliness.
All deriving from an intangible quality
Bestowed upon since birth
Within our mental makeup; Wholly helpless.
A choice presents itself; Wield it or Deny it.
An asset or a burden
Maturity or childlike jubilation
Gift or curse
The Nature of Divergence is in the mind of the beholder.
And to the beholder, it belongs.

How do I tell myself:
That quitting is not an option
That ending my life will not solve problems
That I am not burden
That my mind tells me lies
That I am worth it.

I don’t know, but I’m trying.

Memories slink like silken specters
Across my barren walls
With sticky fingers that pick pocket
My peace of mind,
Steal my sleep,
Leaving sweaty handprints across my skin
And the faint taste of a scream that died on my tongue.
I tell myself that I am safe now.  
Not a soul has breathed in this room since I examined every cranny.
Even I am existing on borrowed air,
As sleep slips so dearly missed from my grasp.
I guard my secrets in darkness while 4 am lingers heavy in this space,
Wishing unconsciousness to take me to a land
Where my heart doesn’t race in terror at every noise,
The shame of what I allowed to be done to me doesn’t echo in my mind,
And the scars are not so tender to the touch.
If only I should be so lucky.
The ghosts are restless in the way they haunt my body tonight.