you invented anger and laughter
a cry and a smile
one side is heavier than the other
but don’t ask which one

and funnily enough i’m holding hands with myself, again and i crafted narratives of secrets and regrets, again and why are we so drawn into things that only YOU understand? again!

Looking down the ground,
I stare at the bright lights,
Alone in the dark night,
Alone in my 5th floor apartment

The cold breeze greets my skin,
While the heads greet each other down the city,
The night is as bright as the day,
Even when the moon is hiding under the thick fog

Ting! I said I’ll text you back, but I never did

I wonder how they interact,
Because I’m only in no contact,
Only my dark room calms me down,
As I don’t have to hide from anyone

Ting! I said I’m busy, when I’m in bed

The outside is loud but why is it quiet here?
The cars are honking, the music is screaming,
But my wall bounces it back,
Just like how I push people away

Ting! I said I ran out of battery, when I ran out of energy

Maybe I should take it slow,
So that I can follow the flow,
Just like how the moon starts to show up,
To face the bright busy city

I stare at the moon in the empty sky,
Even when it came out from the fog,
I wonder why the moon is alone together with me,
Why? Do you also push those stars away?

Ting! I said I’ll text you back...

"Contentment is a synonym for loneliness, cool loneliness, settling down with cool loneliness. We give up believing that being able to escape our loneliness is going to bring any lasting happiness or joy or sense of well-being or courage or strength. Usually we have to give up this belief about a billion times, again and again making friends with our jumpiness and dread, doing the same old thing a billion times with awareness. Then without our even noticing, something begins to shift. We can just be lonely with no alternatives, content to be right here with the mood and texture of what’s happening."

"it allows us to finally discover a completely unfabricated state of being. Our habitual assumptions — all our ideas about how things are — keep us from seeing anything in a fresh, open way… We don’t ultimately know anything. There’s no certainty about anything. This basic truth hurts, and we want to run away from it. But coming back and relaxing with something as familiar as loneliness is good discipline for realizing the profundity of the unresolved moments of our lives. We are cheating ourselves when we run away from the ambiguity of loneliness."

"Cool loneliness allows us to look honestly and without aggression at our own minds. We can gradually drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be, or who we think we want to be, or who we think other people think we want to be or ought to be. We give it up and just look directly with compassion and humor at who we are. Then loneliness is no threat and heartache, no punishment. Cool loneliness doesn’t provide any resolution or give us ground under our feet. It challenges us to step into a world of no reference point without polarizing or solidifying. This is called the middle way, or the sacred path of the warrior."

by Pema Chodron from "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advise for Difficult Times"

I can't help but wonder
Could you still love me
If i layed my soul open for you?

Could you love me
Even though my heart is broken
Could you love me
Even though i hide my pain?

Could you love me
if i yearn to be touched,
But also shy away from it?
Could you love me
If i crave affection
But can't reach out for it?

Could you love me
Even though i am scared to let you in?
Could you love me
Even though i hide in darkness?

I can't help but wonder
Would you still love me
If i layed my soul open for you?

My love has been left sitting too long/it has fermented into loneliness/nobody wants to be the last one standing/to be the last kid picked in gym class/it creates disappointment.

Emptiness wraps me in its cold embrace/There used to be more of us/but one by one they were picked off/Falling into the snare of an intimate relationship/I am merely a placeholder until they get the ones they will spend forever with/and that was ok...at least I thought it was.../

I had my cat/but now she is gone/The one constant thing in my life/I come home expecting to see her there/on my bed/laying in the sun/on the chaise with her favorite blanket/I said goodbye on a Thursday/and packed up all her things four days later/The reminder was too painful/And yet I have pictures of her everywhere/because I need her presence/Loneliness was never so bad because I was never alone/until now.

So yes I am growing bitter towards the idea of boyfriends./Boyfriends become priority/You become less of one/Maybe when I get one it will be different/But I have vowed never to forget who was there for me/but right now in this moment/I am sick of being abandoned/of being alone/Of grieving what I have lost and what I don't have.

It was raining
I stood at the intersection
poetry romps in my heart like a little digimon
the world seems outsize
the city disciplined
because of the rain
transparent umbrellas
in the lens of the live cam
misty skyscrapers
extendable streets
picture of the past
withered like a leaf on the bench
the rain falls from somber sky
and visits every part
it is the countless stitches of time
moving densely together
mending the scattered
cold and lonely
little hearts.