The saying goes
"It takes 21 days to make or break a habit"
but it's been 71 and I've yet to even crack the surface on this one
I made a routine out of pretending to be stronger than what
I pretended you made me into, and that was weak.
I created a pattern in my head and brought it to life:
you were the reason I was this way and here is why:
what we had was a habit,
I'll spare the details because they're just as boring as the same series I've been watching on Netflix for a month without a purpose.
***, fight, make up, ignore problems, watch tv, sleep and eat ****** food, more ***.
You could smell the latex for two years before we stopped using a ****** and taking that risk became routine.
We knew all the answers to jeopardy but we kept watching and I think that's because we tried to pretend that we didn't know things that we already did
and look where it led.

It was a habit.
It was comfort after a week of routines we led separately but somehow over the course of three years never talked about deeply.
"How was school?"
Out of habit I say "okay"
How was work? "slow"
"I don't care what we order"
"Just pick something"
"Do you want to have ***?"
"Can you push over?"
"Who are you texting?"
"why do you always do this?"
"Are you finished being mad yet?"
"I need you in my life, please don't leave"

As humans we crave stability but do not know that what it brings instead is a suffocating cycle that should not feel so permanent at nineteen and twenty


So when we broke up I made a habit out of checking up on you
made a pattern out of blaming you for not wanting to leave my bed,

two whole months later.

What they don't tell you about habits is that 21 days is not enough to break down walls that held you in place for 956 days, even if you weren't very happy,
at least you were warm and at least you had something there to remind you that you always had something to fall back on,
even if it was weighing down your shoulders,
even if it would crack around you one day.

I made a habit out of projecting the blame onto others too,
like saying "would crack around you" one day.
Like I was warning others that love is not forever and to be cautious who you let inside your walls because I did not want to see you there inside when they fall,
when they really fell around me
and two months later,
it's a habit to still check in to make sure you're happy.
Scrolling your newsfeed though you have me blocked, I'm sure you know I do it anyway so you routinely make yourself look better than ever, satisfied in all that you have and I hope you are that way,  I really do
5 days a week in a factory coming home to microwave noodles and a small love seat is not ideal but it's comforting.
And so we accept these facts and allow ourselves to repeat
all we want sometimes is comfort, we don't even need to be happy if we have a place to sleep.

it is still a routine to forget about taking care of my self because that takes away time from caring for you and selfish is one word I never strive to be so I spend my days remembering all the things we repeated over and over.

I will always blame you because it is so hard not to.

I hope one day I don't.

Some days I try and make a habit out of pretending I'm angry with you when in all actuality I miss the stability of calling someone mine.
I don't know why I do this thing where I pretend like I didn't love you as much as I did,
as much as I do. Still.
I guess it's a habit because I have so much to live up to;
this "hard girl" image isn't easy, you know, but for 71 days it's what I've come to know is what I need to move on maybe half as fast as you did.
Maybe I wasn't a routine for you because I know you well enough to know you were stuck in your ways for longer than 21 days so many times and it was not easy to break through them.
Maybe I was different.
I think I loved you a lot more and that's why I have pages of words,
and bags of glass bottles,
I've made a routine out of this and you have done absolutely nothing.


21 days?
That's absurd.
I just let 21 days pass without trying to even move on

what happens if you don't want to break the habit?
I'm sorry, what happens if I don't want to break the habit?
What if I miss it?
What if I want it back although that habit is far gone and moved on?


What do I do now but blame that habit for my lack of motivation now as my fingers wear out the paint on the keyboard of this computer and I blame you for my weight gain and inability to stop drinking even though you told me never to start in the first place because you know I have an addictive personality and it's so hard for me to
break habits?

Once I get started on a new one I'm sure I will be fine.
they say it only takes 21 days, anyway.

Wake up,
Thursday morning,
smell of wet asphalt creeps in through the crack in the window left open
get up,
breathe it in and listen to the chickadees sing for this type of weather

Drink up,
warm water with lemon,
detox yesterday's sins
and begin new today
peel the wrappers from your arm from falling asleep eating
too many candies,
go for a run, cook a colorful lunch
fill your body with something other than crap for once.
the sun does not rise for you to waste the day in bed,
remember how it feels to do what you love and feel calm at night when you finally fall to bed, not shaking, but somber.

today is yours,
do not let it slip away,
god knows you have the strength to take it,
so do as the birds do,
just be,
fly,
sing,
breathe.

Getting out of bed is so hard
with such a heavy head
I drag myself into sitting posistion
groggy, already tired by the time I stand up
I'm through with feeling like my footsteps mean nothing
to anyone around me '

I used to shame validation from anyone else
for my own importance
but my ego is starving
and I am laying in bed without a purpose or a reason to be here

A heavy head
that is empty
holds me down
in a way I do not understand
I cleared it of all the bad but still it weighs
me
down

When you learn how to write they teach you
"show, don't tell"
to keep the mystery alive, to keep it vibrant, keep it flowing
They tell you keep it short and sweet, with details subtle enough to envision the beautiful girl you make the protagonist who beholds every quality you yourself are lacking but can compensate for in another, ficticious character.
And so you decorate her with
serendipitous flaws and stories that resolve once the page has turned
but as you type you lose who you are.
Show, dont' tell. So you make sure well enough that she glows so that all the readers know she is not hurting. You make sure her eyes beam and that her smile radiates so that no one knows you're breaking.
How do you show, and not tell, when the only thing you feel is yourself collapsing? How can you show that you feel nothing inside but outside remain alive and
how the **** do you show that you miss someone because they took so much of you when they left and tore the pages of you two out of their memory?
I cannot show that, I cannot tell that. And so I write.


You forget that what you did you cannot take back so you ensure
she does not make the same mistake unless the page reveals it was okay in the first place.
How we would **** for a story book ending as we beg for feelings that aren't pending, waiting for another reason to be happy that you cannot write back in

You discovered something as you wrote
you choose who hurts who
but in fact, you cannot choose who hurts you
so you write away the mistakes you've made
those ones you pretend you didn't
those ones that haunt you as you remember that
the person you once loved is gone forever
You finish a chapter hoping to forget that you are nothing but empty
writing does not fill you up
writing does not allow you to see deeper
it makes it easier for you to pretend that you do not miss him

It makes it easier to remember the nights you spent laughing as you make them into inciting incidents when in reality
they were tragic endings