PART 1:
Small talk, no conversation
That look makes me impatient
I can't tell what you’re thinking
Yes or no?
Last night we were more than fine
Just tell me if you changed your mind
At least show me a sign,
If you changed your mind
Cause I'm all in
I’m calling, no answer
But you text me when you feel like
When it feels right to you
When those feelings spike your heart of doubt
You know you got me in palm of your hand
And I love those hands
But you only let me hold you when he can’t
Wish you wouldn’t kiss me
Right now, on your lips just leave it
If you don’t mean it
Don’t build me up just to let me down
Don’t tell me you’re falling
With your feet still on the ledge
Leaving my heart on the edge

PART 2:
You picked me up
Put us down, and put me through this
Why?
Started off as a good thing, a sure thing
You held back but I know
Reminisce our time in spring
In that moment our lips touched the rush sent us straight to the moon
I should’ve known that we’d be coming down soon
Every time I think I love somebody
I always find a way to throw it away
Feel the air around us become soggy
I don’t wanna hurt anybody
I don’t wanna be the one to say
That we gotta have a conversation
And I thought you would stay forever where we lay
At the end, you watched the tears run down my face

PART 3:
To be young and in love in…
To know who I am but still know that I am good long as you’re here with me
Midnight sun into morning coffee
Burning through the hours talking
I knew from the first time, I’d stay for a long time
****, I liked me better when I was with you
Wish you would stay awhile
Stay here with me
My mind, whispers in the nighttime
That voice always keeping me up
Telling me that I shouldn’t give up
Lately, I’ve been stuck in the backseat to my own life
Tried to take control, but I don’t know how to
I don't wanna be sad forever
I’m calling to the other side
My sequin tears flood away my sorrow
Cause that’s all I can do today
But I’ll make it through tomorrow
After I am desolate from these feelings which betray…

January girl
eyes wide with hope

January girl
smile once wide with joy

January girl
where are you hiding
and why

January girl
will you tell me,
trust me

January girl
the winter will be over soon

January girl
I have a fire lit for you
come inside or let me in

in november i stopped dancing
december, singing
january, laughing
february, smiling
and so i shall continue
for you left me in october
and i’ve never been the same

When hell freezes over

And i can’t feel the cracks in the walls
I’m not sure anymore
“These times are the worst times”
And what comes after

What if i don’t want to know
Why do babies die
When they’ve never done anything
The most innocent
This earth will ever feel
Is when it’s reclaiming
The porcelain faces
With eyes closed

Maybe it’s because
The longer we spend waiting
Like opening windows
When it’s supposed to rain
“It gets worse before it gets better”

But there is no contest
It’s just comparison
Plath wrote a novel
About how hard it is to die
Your body doesn’t want to

But your soul can’t sleep anymore
You are tired
From bouncing off the padded walls
Inside your skull
So much it feels like
Your own thoughts have bruises
Concussions within concussions
It hurts to think
The engine doesn’t start

And every day i try to sleep
Except
I’m still awake
Because it doesn’t matter anymore

We spend our time
Waiting out the storm
(Even when it’s in the windows)
Waiting for the sunshine
But all it means is
The storm will ruin everything

And no amount of sunlight
No kisses
No daisies
Will ever make the floorboards dry up
Will fix the ruined wallpaper
No open windows
Will air out this house

Everything settles
Like dust on the mantel
The floorboards pop
Like the elbows of tree branches
Bucking together,
Shivering in winter
The house is restless
But too old to move
Too tired
Too heavy

And so am i.
There’s still something in it
Us
We
And still so empty at the same time.

If the room is vacant
Is it still a room
Or is it a tomb
That’s been desecrated
Put it back the way it was meant to be,
Full inhabitants
The dead haunting both places.

Because i am fearless
To be honest
When you don’t feel
I am plastic and
Tattered rugs in the hallway
I am
Cigarette smoke stains
Nicotine yellow and
Placid green
rotting from the inside out
Like a cavity
You’ve always been too poor to fix
Yet... not an ache like that
Too easy to ignore
And when it’s past the point
It falls out, and life goes on

No

I am a wildfire
Burning everything alive
And too big to put out
Everyone can see it
Everyone’s afraid
The very smoke from my own destruction
Is killing the skies
Suffocating on top of the heat
Like a hurricane, hotter
A god of fifty thousand degrees

And yet... they see it coming
All they can do is
Hope i burn myself out
And don’t take their lives too

And there’s nothing
No open windows
No kisses
No daisies

Can do about it

mourning
on the
morning sun

just a month
of a
newly year

already
a lot of
painful memories
has come