It was ******* terrible
Probably the worst thing I've had to do in my life
I couldn't look at her
The life drained from her young face
Killed by life
By child molesters
By her ***** of a mother
She looked at me and smiled
Asked me if I would come back and see her when she was better
But I knew that there was no better
There was no later
I had to leave the room
And let hot tears pour onto the cold and sterile tile
Before I could answer
I lied
I lied
I smiled and kissed her goodbye
Knowing that it would be final
And said goodbye

I still remember
Standing by the window of the hospital
Entering and leaving
Entering and leaving

I'm back again
I check on you
I look out the window
I look at you

I asked if you were okay
You were not quite okay
I watched you in peace
And then I was awake

It sends me shivers,
It gives me chills.

These old walls,
These night time pills.

Your notebook on the dresser,
Your jeans on the floor.

Your voice in my head,
Your shoes at the door.

That one picture on the night stand,
That you held me so tight.

I can't believe your are gone,
I know you were tired of the fight.

This blanket is cold without your warmth,
This pillow smells like your hair.

But one day I'll see you again,
But I won't be sitting in a hospital chair.

Moving through my head,
like I'm neck deep in mud.
eyes foggy & ears ringing,
losing feeling in my fingers...
'cause I'm gripping my head,
breathing air that's hot
--like fire
Did I close my eyes,
I never can tell.
trembling, I whisper important things.
~keep a hold of your head, PROTECT it~
I lower my head, my life, between my knees;
ragged puffs of air STING when they hit my legs
the floor drops, the mud gets thicker
'til I am encased in it,
in my head,
I'm stuck floating in this fuzzy sensation.

Somethings changed
& the space around me
is whisked away,  I fall
but only an inch or two.
dirt in my hair,
my body is now bare...
but I don't feel the need to cover myself.
My feet frozen,
but I stand, start to walk, then a little faster,
I run & all I hear is the sound of my feet
hitting the linoleum floor------
I know I'm in a narrow hall
even though I can't see.
Smell of disinfectant and stainless steel----
monitors beep and some flat line,
that's when I feel a breeze, more footsteps,
like mine but heavier, faster... w/more urgency.
I stop running, just before a door.
I see it only at the very edge of my vision,
it opens the moment I look away,
this room smells different
I take a step inside maybe two...
before I had the chance to close the door,
someone closes it for me...
I beat at the door 'til my hands bloodied------
I knew... but still I came... & the door never opened.

I was forced to come
by my mother
"you haven't been yourself lately"
well of course I hadn't

When the doctor asked
"what seems to be the problem?"
I lied
telling him I didn't know

I knew exactly what the problem was
something doctors couldn't treat
and medicine wouldn't help
I had a broken heart