I remember when i found out
my heart had left my body and my hands were trembling

I remember when you were my best friend and we were inseparable

I remember making forts together with the basement cushions

I remember dancing through the days with the top hits of 2002

I remember when you started staying out all night and sneaking in 

I remember when you changed your friends

I remember when your eyes didn’t look the same

I remember when you showed me a green plant

I remember when you showed me a small pill
I remember when I took drugs with you
and we danced through the day just like old times

I remember when you were dragged down the hallway by your hair
and all I could see was your feet flailing
and all i could hear was your piercing screams

I don’t remember you for fourteen months

until you came back for thanksgiving

I remember your eyes didn’t look the same

I remember your voice was different 

I remember your legs looked like small branches
and your cheeks were sunken in

I don’t remember you for two months

I remember when you went away
and you said you were going to get better

I remember before you left
we laid in my bed
and you showed me your scars
and told me your stories

I remember you looked me in the eyes and told me everything was going to be okay

I remember you crying through the nights
taking endless cold water baths
and throwing up until the sun came up

I remember the day you left and all you wanted to do was smoke one last cigarette

I don’t remember you for three weeks


I remember you when you came back
I remember you gained weight

I remember you looked healthy

I remember you glowing with beauty

I remember my mom finding a spoon in the drawer of the bed side table
with burnt cotton

I remember her telling me not to come home because she didn’t want me to be there when she told you to leave

I remember you called me and you cried
and you said sorry to me

I don’t remember you for eighteen months

until you called your dad three days before my birthday
and said you used his insurance for rehab and you needed money for your prescription

I don’t remember you for two months

I remember you at thanksgiving but your mind wasn’t there 
just your body

I’m sure I won’t remember you for another seven months.

your soul seems droopy
half melted from your body
I love you I love you please
don't stick that needle
in your arm

I see the spirits
trying to escape your veins
they pull you to walk into
closed doorways closed doorways
slam
slam

open the door
and let yourself out

I love you I love please
don't stick that needle
in your arm

don't apologize to me
apologize to yourself

forgive yourself

let yourself go
let yourself GO

every moment you are blossoming into a newer version of yourself

you are not too much
you are not too little

you are perfect in the sense that perfect is an ever evolving state of becoming

and I love you
I love you
please

The words come back and conversation
Flows under excited pressure
Just like the red rose when I register
Its been a while so the better in me knows
And tries to send a message to me
But my psychic energy grows
More intensely on a memory's
Lows, I always get the best of me
Tolls, Happiness isn't free
I wish I could just be fine with settling
Stop hoping that my two halves will quit wrestling
Over who drives while the other is directing
From the back seat, this is where I belong
A siren is my life's theme song
Hand in hand I'm dragged along
To some place I'd rather not be
Put on a face so they won't see
Anything that's felt inside of me
Learning to survive by blending in
Once released, spin cycle repeats
Pumping poison bought off the street
A death rehearsed I'll never know
When rehearsal ends, begin the show
I'm drifting off into sleep...
But this time it's too deep.

I have paved this unholy road of emotional oppression. The guilt is mine alone. Blanket it all with my water soluble love, or rather lack there of. Make me hurt, I'll make me bleed. I am my own worst enemy.

I live a lie and my promise will cut you from behind. Don't believe in me, I won't believe in me. Don't believe or it will only hurt me.

Newborn in spirit, 26 in soul. Learn to love and to fall, but never again to numb it all. Hatred for who I am. Yet the faint beat can be revived again. A flatline, shot from a cap, I hate where I'm at.

Bridge~
Time to prove, time to move. Time will save me from hurting you.

I hate this lie and my promise may cut you from behind. Please wait to believe, I can't yet believe. Relapse may be my destiny.

Sometimes I wonder about the broken hearts. A path of destruction behind, open blameless road ahead. Follow me.. Wait not yet! I'm not ready! Don't push me!  just let me be. Keep the beast oppressed, never yet be unleashed.

No more lies, no more wounds for you, only my death or honesty. If your ready to believe, I might be. **** ******! it's not me. Burn this tourniquet, freedom is mine to retrieve. freedom is mine to retrieve.

Searching fulfillment in empty one liners, but nothing that will cure this curse.
Try and force something out of nothing, worthless dominates my words.
If one line has potential to save a life and my footsteps aren't alone in the sand.
Turn up the volts! Shocked me into hopeless, helpless hope.
Looking to Reading for inspiration, but it's a coin flip with condemnation.
I've dropped into C#, writing lines still far apart.
Dry like the sand lines and I'm praying for this last restart.
Repetition after repetition...
Bad decisions after bad decisions...
Last act and final show...
Hopeless and alone....
FORCE ME!
I'll die...
LOVE ME!
I'll cry...
Try and force something out of nothing, faking salvation in repeat.
Just set me free and let it come to me, my claustrophobic enemies....

Flick* bic

                                       ....

                 bubble   sizzle   POP!


drop   ...bloop  splatter  --- hot.

                           insert   slurp   tink! tink! , prepped...