Glass Shattering

Glass shattering into a million pieces,
No matter what I do,
A glass of wine can not erase you from my life.

I find memories of you reflected in every bottle,
Happiness no longer exists,
How others see me, I don't care,

Life has betrayed me,
Lost my love,
Love no longer exists in this broken life,

Looking for one reason,
To live on without you,

To find one who I care about,
Other than you, is,
An impossible thing to do.

Copyright © 2017 Ronald J Chapman All Rights Reserved

I can't recall what I did
When you fill my head with lies
Recollection, it won't happen

When these haunted eyes pull back
That flesh canvas turns black
As the starless night

I see your bare face right there
Clear, as in a lucid dream
I lose control to passion
You knew you left our bedroom

With the gas turned on

Your face --
I want to smash it

I won't wander where I go
In darkness, alone
With a gaslight

Do you realize you haunt me?

You haunt me when I shower,
Because I can't seem to scrub off the grime you left.
You haunt me when I listen to music,
Because you played music the whole time.
You haunt me with each step I take,
Because you once told me you loved watching me walk.

Do you realize you haunt me?

You haunt me when I smile,
Because you said my smile is what drew you towards me.
You haunt me when I love,
Because you told me you "owned" me now.
You haunt me when I breathe,
Because you told me I'd never forget you as long as I was breathing.

Do you realize you haunt me?

You haunt me when I pass a white house,
Because that's the color of the house we were in.
You haunt me when I see a green door,
Because that's the door color of the room I was locked in.
You haunt me when I try to be passionate with someone,
Because you wouldn't take no for answer.

.detnuaH
Haunted
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I am not what you think I am.
Colourful, joyful, laughter and excitement.
I am dull, gloomy, serious and calm.
I do not find joy in loudness but in stillness I do.
I do not find pleasure in pleasing anyone because i cannot even please myself.
I am not picture perfect like you see me on pictures but i am raw, a mastering hideous perfectly formed flaw.
I do not have the perfect smile because real smiles do not exist in my real world.
My body is not what you imagined it to be because it is a skeleton out of it's closet.
I am not free as i may seem because i am trapped.  
I am trapped in the flamerous and distructive thoughts of mine that are beckering at what i have become.
I am so afraid of what i have become, i have become so poisenious to myself.
I have become so out of value , i was once a diamond and now i am gravel.
I am used as a road for growth for some and a road of example of an expired female to the rest.

I am done, i am a dead body with a soul trying to live but soon will be ready to take it's life.
There is really no other way to describe myself other than expired, disasterious and into ashes.
I am trying so hard to cleanse all my past, my wounds , my flaws but the more i cleanse them the bigger they fluster.
Maybe the scars of all the heartbreak i have been through has marked the outside of me.
Im fighting a  war with my inner self and outer self.
What is outside of me is building the monster in me.
The last time i checked what is in the inside brings what is from the outside but in my case it is the total opposite.


I feel like my past is haunting me and i see it in my reflection on the mirror.
Maybe this is a way of God's punishment to me.
For breaking all the laws he breaks my outer self inorder to break my inner self.
Day by day i destroy myself by impeckering at what i only succeed in which is my imperfections.
The burning gaze i receive from the monster that i see infront of my mirror lurching and mocking at my past written all over my imperfect body.
I am haunted, haunted by my thoughts, haunted by my feelings, haunted by my imperfection that is lingered by my haunting past that haunts my future.


Maybe this is what i was born for , i was born to be flawless in imperfection.
Maybe i was born to be seen as glorious but as soon as they get to know me they realise how into ashes i am.
I died, I died the day i lost my morals and i died the day i realised how i will never be good enough.
Not good enough for myself and most definetly not good enough for anyone.

I am alone once again.
I am alone yet i have so many people in my life.
But that's the thing, i have many in my "perfect" life that is a living lie and i have myself and only that in the real world of my nakedness and loneliness.
Maybe this is it, this is the hell that i was warned about when i was once innocent.
I died the day i lost my innocence and i was born again in the life of hell in a cell.
My life is a hell in a cell because i am imprisoned.
My whole body is marked and outlined by my past.
My thoughts of my past mistakes are locked in my brain and not willing to rest until i have no dignity left in me.

See what i mean?
I am not what you think i am.
I am not over my past.
I haven't overcome my flaws.
I have not found my confidence.
And i am not perfect at all and never will be.
But with time I will maybe be what i wish i could be and that is perfect in my eyes, unhaunted by my past and set  free by my thoughts.