I fight with my hands
so they do not begin
to trace deep rivers on my stomach
that always lead to my hipbone basin

I flex my palms
and admire how my knuckles protrude
when I relax them again

My cheek bones can be felt
with a light pressure
and everlasting insecurity
but my chin never thins
quite the way I want

I pull my hair elastic forward
so that it sits right before
my perfect wrists

I admire my knees
as I sit in a tight skirt,
eyes trailing upward,
smile getting smaller,
thighs getting bigger

I tell myself I am better
and then I am alone

Its hard when you remember
When you get the feeling back
The anxiety
The scale
The lower number
Its hard because you remember
how bad you wanted it.
How bad you still want it.
How bad you still need it.
Remembering how simple it really is
Once you get past your mind
Everything gets easier.

{SM}

The most mind wrenching pain is seeing you fade
due to the enamored and deplorable parts of your brain,
I so desperately plea and wish to be your aid

I've done all I can, even ******* prayed.
Your mind is playing tricks, my dear, and making you insane
for demons have entered your innocent mind and preyed.

You have lived far too long in fear
as you shamefully cover all of your skin.. I can see your joy fade.
Each day I see more of you disappear

it's almost as if I'm looking at your corpse premiere.
You think this is normal, and that you are okay
but, my darling, your condition is very severe and your mind is slain


My offerings to help are more than sincere.
Your delicate fragile bones are in too much pain
Please never forget that I adore you with endless revere.
These evil thoughts we will evade

I wanted bones.
I wanted stick thin wrists and jutting shoulder blades.
I wanted ribcage ladders leading to a faltering heart.

I wanted to die-
But I called it something else.
I called it perfect body.

I called it finally confident,
I called it happy and
They called it sick.

I challenged them with "willpower"
and they threw back "nine months to live if you keep this up."

Mirrors
Shattering myself into pieces
Sharp edges pointing out all the flaws
I stare at the glassy eyes
I don't know if they are mine
The reflections rip me open
making all of the imperfections
seep through the paper skin
Outlining me in red
Tracing what to fix
Tears bleed through my surface
Stinging my insides
I want this to end
The mirror is killing me.
What's in the mirror is killing me
So I guess I'm killing myself.

{SM}

I'm sorry
That whatever i do, i can't seem to get it right
And i'm sorry
That i got this depressed all of a sudden
And i am truly deeply sorry if i hurt you
And don't say i didn't cause i saw the tear in your eye
And don't say you miss me either.
Cause if you really do, wich is highly unlikely, it will pass.
And don't go to my grave, telling me you love me.
Cause that's what i needed to hear when i was alive.