When I was a child
I went to church every Sunday

Down the road
And across the creek
Around Magnolia Street
And past the neighbor’s Confederate flag

I wore a white dress with blue hydrangeas
And shiny black Mary Janes
Sometimes a pink bow

My mother would hush me
Any time I would complain of itchiness
I would scratch until my skin matched my pink bow

The girls at church wouldn’t play with me
Because my white dress with blue hydrangeas
Didn’t fit right

My father would chide me for not making friends
That he didn’t raise an anti-social freak
With a dress that didn’t fit right

We would go home after service
Past the neighbor’s Confederate flag
And around Magnolia Street
Across the creek
And down the road

I would find myself in my little pink room
Kicking off my Mary Janes
And my little pink bow
And tearing of that godforsaken
White dress with blue hydrangeas

Pajamas are much more comfortable anyway

Dinner is always a burden
We’d join hands in Grace
Uttering the words of the Lord
“Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts…”

I’d play with my peas
My parents their wine
Not a word was spoken between us
And maybe it was better that way

Bedtime is the only time I can breathe
I’m back in my little pink room
At the edge of my little pink bed
On my knees and my hands in prayer

I would pray and pray
Beg and beg
For God to make things a little easier
To make me who I really am

And maybe instead of my Mary Janes
I’d be wearing Oxfords
Instead of looking like Eve
I’d be a little bit more like Adam

My throat was raw from crying and screaming
To a God who wasn’t there
A God who insisted that I wear
The white dress with blue hydrangeas

I’m a little bit older now
But I still find myself stuck
In the white dress with the blue hydrangeas
Shiny black Mary Janes
And a stupid pink bow

Down the road
And across the creek
Around Magnolia Street
And past the neighbor’s Confederate flag

I no longer complain of itchiness
There’s no point in it anymore

I sit on the bench in the church’s front yard
Observing the other girls from afar
Their dresses neat and ironed
I can only dream of mine being like theirs

I can get through another psalm or two
If I ignore the itchiness enough

My church clothes are back in a pile
Beside my pink little bed
In my little pink room

I stand in front of the mirror this time
As pure and disrobed as the day I was born

Everything is misshapen and melting
I can only stare back at the disoriented reflection
Before me

I live inside a body that isn’t mine
And it is disgusting

Before I know it, tears are falling like candle wax
Hot and sticky on my face
I try to wipe them away
But nothing can extinguish
The flame inside of me

I’m screaming and crying
Just like I did when I was little

But this time it was for me
Not for Him
Not for my parents
But for my own shattered image
And the soul within it

My nails claw at my flesh
Trying to rid this shell I call my body
But what is it of any use
When the thing that’s killing me
Is right there next to me?

It is no longer my flesh
It is the cage it is condemned to

Amidst the tears I can make out my hands
Tearing and ripping away streams of white and blue
And for a moment, in the eye of the tornado
There is peace

Sobbing becomes shaky, shallow breaths

I sit at the edge of my little pink bed
In my little pink room
In the shredded scraps
Of the white dress
With blue hydrangeas

My pain Is Eternal.
But no one can see it. no one can feel it.
Only I can see and feel this pain.
Only I can hear it laughing at me when i look in the mirror.
Only i can feel it when someone calls me the wrong name.
only i can fix it.
but there is no hope for me.
my family cannot see or hear this pain.
only i can.
only i can fix it.
but there is no hope for this mess.

I wonder, a lot of the time,
what it would be like if I were born a
boy.

Would I be happier?
Relieved from this feeling to over-masculinize myself
to combat the more obvious feminine features...

The "girl" voice
"Girl" body
"Girl" hair
"Girl" name
"Girl" demeanor
"Girl"
"Girl"
"Girl"

Baby
"Girl"
...

What if I were born a baby
"Boy"

Well then, that wouldn't make it any better, now would it.

Then it would all be,
"Boy"
"Boy"
"Boy"
"Boy" demeanor
"Boy" name
"Boy" hair
"Boy" body
"Boy" voice

So, even if my chromosomes were lost an X, had a Y instead,
I would still be bound to the same fate.
The same hurt that is gender dysphoria.

Society-
or, God?-
has only made two categories,
two choices
two sexes
two lives
two boxes.

I wonder, then,
what it would be like
if that wasn't so.

When I gaze into the mirror,
I see no reflection,
When they take my picture,
There is no image to capture,
It feels as though I do not exist,
No connection between my body and soul,
When silver strikes, I still feel it,
Yet I do not claim it as my own,
I yearn for a body that captures my essence,
One day,
I will confront the shadows that haunt my soul