My stomach drops
And my leg shakes
As I try to remain calm.
He is sitting not 6 inches away from me.
I want to do something.
Anything.
Just to try and put out the fire of pain lit within me.
He hurt me.
I can feel the heat of his body,
And the aura spreading off of him.
His orange glow tinged with the goal of hurting me
The goal to tear me apart
And it's working.
I can feel my body unraveling
Ready to curl my hands into fists
And connect them to the softness of skin
And the crunch of a bone.
Anything.
My knuckles crying out for hit,
Not caring if they split,
They're ready.
Ready to leave a bruise wherever I hit.

two years ago,
i was fighting a monster
from breaking my ribs.

today,
i am fighting an invisible ghost,
from watching me pick up the pieces
that haven’t decayed yet.

perhaps life is
sharing more information with me
about this sensation
than what was done
before with that "physical"
kind of
love// language

words are not necessary
when understanding the
feeling of vibrations
in which are
brought upon me

both intuitively//
and instinctively//

this feeling is//
love.

the same feeling I was
taken out of
that is now inviting me back in//

sometimes I wonder what it will be like
if I see another day
I wonder if this will be the last thing I say

and by the way nothing turns out
how it's planned to be

and sometimes I'm just out doin my thing
tryin to be the best version of me
even the memories raise issues I tried to shed
got too many issues trapped up inside my head

what pride and humility just might do
what praise the phase of bruises black and blue
how's the self abusiveness?
how the tired toiling in uselessness

no, I'm not impressed with the work I've done
his shadow follows me even when I tried to run

some things never turn out how
they supposed to be
I guess the only one
I can change is me

one by one I count the pills inside my hand
ones for the hurt I give myself
and one is from that man

I feel a choke in the hold
the way he used to grab for the gold
silly putty organs
and flesh that molds

molds to the palms
molds to the fist
molds to the tears
molds each time he hits

cold confusion
swept up into the night
I say I'm sorry
but i know it's just a sorry night

somethings don't turn out how they
supposed to be
I guess the only one
I can change is me

self worth is weighed
by the gram
0.5 for me
and a pound for the man

heavy sedation
it's crazy what you remember
while wake walking in a dream state
apologies for the bad dreams
and hide the good ones to escape

burn baby burn
his love looks like fire
it isn't passion
it isn't lust
it's nothing to admire

3rd degree emotional burns
the each skin is sensitive
so **** whatever's heard

the man might say
it doesn't bother me
it's only that it's haunting me
I wish he would change
but only I can set me free

You're a pillar of smoke
that rises up
out of a pile of ash leftover
from a fire I thought
I'd extinguished long ago.
You're the **** of a cigarette
now smoldering
much after I've quit smoking,
and the smell of you
reaching my nostrils
brings acid from my stomach
to my throat
and I'm forced to choke for a moment.
You're the dark ring
around the tub
even after years of scrubbing,
and I hate it because
it reminds me of the rings,
dark and stubborn
around my eyes.
You're the agitated
pressure marks
on either side of my nose
from the glasses I habitually wear
although I've far outgrown them.
You're the splinter
that sits just far enough beneath my skin
that any attempt to remove it
just furthers my irritation.
I can try to forget about you,
let you slowly work your way out,
but it simply takes one rub,
one bump in the right direction
to remind me
you're still there
and I'm sore all over again.
Simply the thought of you
makes me ache.

I ache from my shins
like I did that night
you swung a metal bar across them.
And my ***.
And my chest.
And the back of my head
when I tried to roll away from your thunder.
I ache from my lips
like I used to when they'd swell
from the contact of your palms
or your knuckles
or my teeth
so I could hold back my screams.
I ache from my throat
like I would for days
after you would grab me -
I swear you'd squeeze harder every time,
and if given a choice now,
I'd happily pick a noose
over your hand any day.
But most often I ache
from my head as a whole -
my eyes,
my nose,
my mouth -
my temples throb.
I can hear my own heartbeat -
Everything tingles
like when you would box me,
pack me up with your fists
into a small package,
sealed with the stamp
of your forehead
pecked against mine
like a hammer to a nail.

But every beginning has an end,
under pressure
diamonds are formed,
and it's only after a star is destroyed
that we see it twinkle from Earth.

Every bruised eye
has made mine shine brighter.
Every fat lip
has made my smile wider.
Every tear, every plea choked back
has made my song louder.

I am now
the tree you tried to cut down
but my seeds already fell
and I'm growing again.
I am the picture
you tried to shred
but I became a puzzle
and someone else
put me together.
I am the star
you tried to black out
with your darkness,
but I became the sun
and now it's summer time.

Those boys
They don't understand
Them girls
They're giving them a second chance
To show
That they give a ****
Them girls
Cry every night
Because those boys
Go out and drink all the time  
She waits
For him to come home
And he
Yells for her to leave him alone
She cries
Because she's tried
But he still doesn't give a ****.
Those boys
They don't understand
Them girls
Aren't giving them a second chance

as i look throughout the tree’s, a strand of light strikes me
i go back to an awful place like it somehow reminded me
where one day my family was perfectly fine, then the next day came
and they were no longer mine. daddy had left, and he took mommy’s heart.
and i slowly sat down and watched my mom fall apart. what i hesitate to mention,
was her partner of choice, so harsh with his hands and loud with his voice
his had stricken my mother almost on a daily, listening to my mother scream my name, “haylee!”
the constant torture at that ******* house, i needed to leave and get these thoughts out.
what my mother did, was completely unexpected, she risked her shot to leave, for me to get ahead.
i now live safe in the care of my family, but i will never forget his face, the definition of the word, scary.
and i will never forget the guilt that i feel, leaving my mother there.
but i have to move on, and do what she wished
for me to do better than she had ever did.
mom, i love you, and i will see you soon,
just to let you know, i will NEVER stop loving you