the hazy atmosphere reflects how sometimes your eyes just-
defocus.
.
as tendrils drip off branches,
they become the worries that manifest in the back of your head,
dancing around the stem of your mind.
.
frigid air mimics the chills you get as you sit on your bed,
staring blankly at a blue-lit screen.
the wind howls with thoughts racing through your mind;
a rain droplet, suspended on the surface are words at the tip of your fingers, frozen,
waiting for release;
permission to plummet to their true place in the world.
.
the mist and raindrops on the window are weight on your shoulders
and periodic piercing stabs in your chest.
.
~wind chill is the waves of sadness
traveling in whatever random intervals~
clouds rolling in and out bring both unease and angst, and silence and solace.
.
but, same as torrential storms, with time, the sadness passes. where your body experiences incredible pangs of hurt, eventually, you’ll feel peace pour over you the way rain covers the world in a crystalline curtain-
.
if i’m honest, i think rainy days embody aspects of
dissociation and/or depression
really well

The world warps
And goes fuzzy around the edges
Like I am not real,
A place holder or chest piece.
My limbs do not move like they are mine,
As if they are foreign bodies attached to my trunk.
The floor is the only solace.
I melt into the stiff boards and rough carpet
Until the world tilts back and becomes
Whole again.

I am not sure who i am
Feels like you know your program
I am here floating, *******!

I am here and there
And everywhere
And it’s hard to sleep
There and here
And where every where is

I am nothing
But even nothing is something
It’s exhausting
And quite daunting
Maybe even hunting
Am i rambling?

I apologise
I don’t open my mouth much
My tongue is on a crutch
I apologise
For my eyes
As they wonder off
They like to run around the roses

I am nothing
But even nothing is something
It’s exhausting
And quite daunting
Maybe even hunting
Am i rambling?

I am a member of the Flat Affect Society,
Similar to the Flat Earth Society.
My existence is in two dimensions,
Is unreal,
Is like dragging a bag of bones
And me through concrete.
Was I not on top of the world 2 weeks ago?

I drink Redbull for dissociation,
Trying to caffeinate my desperation,
As if I could vibrate into the 4th dimension
To find myself again.

if you tell me that you want to know
what it’s like to live the way that I do,
I will laugh to myself, because
the truth is you don’t want to know.

you don’t want to live the way
that I live, or feel how I feel.

and even if you did, you can’t.
you can hear about it
and learn about it,
but you can never feel
the way that I do.

don’t keep trying to understand
the way that my mind operates.
don’t keep trying to feel like me.

be thankful that you can’t.

but if you must know,
imagine this:

it’s early in the morning
and you’re at the end of a dream,
or maybe a nightmare.

you’re kind of awake,
but not quite. you’re groggy.
you haven’t gotten out of bed yet,
and you don’t feel like it.

and then you hear your
alarm clock going off,
and you realize, oh ****,
you’re late to work.

you need to get up now
and you know that.
but when you try to,
you suddenly can’t.

you’re stuck in your bed,
unable to even open your eyes.
you’re not paralyzed.
you seem physically fine,
but you’re stuck there.
you have an overwhelming
need to wake yourself up.
you don’t know why you can’t.

you’re stuck in your bed for so long,
you begin to think that maybe
the dream that you’re in is now real.
maybe the real world isn’t there anymore. you can’t think of a logical explanation.
it doesn’t make any sense.

yesterday, you woke up
and got out of bed, and you
made it to work on time.
you were even a few minutes early.
there was no problem at all.

but wait, how long ago
was yesterday?
you don’t know
if yesterday was yesterday,
or if yesterday was a year ago.

you’ve been stuck here,
frozen in your bed while
the earth keeps spinning.
you have no way of knowing
what’s going on
in the world around you.

you know that this feels wrong.
you should’ve been able
to start your day.
you shouldn’t be stuck.

you know that you can’t
be living in a dream.
that’s not possible.

you know you’re not asleep.
you’re wide awake, but you’re stuck.
you can’t scream. you can’t move at all.
you’ve lost control over your body.
you can’t wake yourself up.

imagine that no matter what you do,
you can’t wake yourself up.

I want to recover.
I want to open up in therapy
and take my medication like I should.
I want to feel again.
I want this numbness to end.
I want to, I do.

but for that to happen,
my disorders and diagnoses
would have to go away.
I would be left to face
the real world all on my own.

this safe world that my disorders
have built around me would be gone.
I would no longer feel so
disconnected from my body.
I would no longer feel so
disconnected from the world around me.
my disorders would leave me.

I can’t lose any more friends.
I’m still hurt from those endings
that I never saw coming

and whether I like it or not,
these disorder are my best friends.
I can’t lose them yet.
I’m not strong enough.

We had good *** but that’s about it
We argue over text about stupid ****
You we’re insecure about your ****
I think it made you a *****
Your insecurities
Overwhelmed me
You’re demons overran you
Boy I just couldn’t stand you
I don’t wanna see you any more
You crashed my car then ****** a *****
I don’t blame her tho
This is all on you
I dont think you know
How the things you do
Affect those around  you
Like how you ****** that girl in my bed
Or how your lies were in everything you never said
How you criticized me for wanting to be dead
Why don’t you pull the trigger
put a bullet through my head
Would’ve been better than what you did
When you put that cigarette out on my shoulder
Looked you in the eyes
While I felt it smolder
Said it was fine
You didn’t commit a crime
Cause I wanted it so bad
Like you where always mad
at me for my loyalty
You could never trust
You were always tryina bust
All you had for me was lust
She said you couldn’t have me
That made you want me so much
Now and then I cringe
at how I responded to your touch
I was just tryina binge
Watch some anime
Then you took that away
You forced me to cuddle
You grabbed my hair
Turned me to a puddle
Dissociated
Comatose baby
Protective personalities
Malfunctioning realities
Could this really be happening
I’m watching from the ceiling again
That’s not my body this is all pretend

Oh Geo, I don’t miss you so
I’m so glad to see you go
Now I finally have control