I don't understand.
The once sturdy ground has turned to sand.
My feet sink in
And so do your words.

I don't understand.
Don't you still love me?
Do I no longer make you happy?
What's wrong with me?
Am I not enough?

I don't understand.
I know life is rough.
I know you feel lost.
But please don't push me away.

I don't understand.
Why do I have to keep convincing you to stay?
Several times you've tried to leave,
And then turn around and tell me you love me.

I wish feelings didn't exist
But they do
And they persist to ruin my life.
All this strife.
Just because three guys
Imagine me as their future wife.

How did I get here?
Keep reading if you want to hear
But please, no fangirl tears.

It starts in my early years.
I met him.
He was my best friend.
He was my first crush.
I was his.
I left for another school.
We hadn't seen each other since.

Middle school.
I met a boy my first year there.
It was infatuation upon first greeting

The second year I finally took up conversation with him.
I fell harder into my feelings.

The next year,
He was mine.
And I was his.
If only it stayed like this.
First love.
First kiss.
Our love was pure bliss.
It's what I will always miss.
And it was my fault.
I ruined it.
I can't do anything about it.

Summer camp.
A friend.
Later a close friend.
Now, super close.
Very close friends.
We know each other inside and out.
We're always there for each other.
Always.
Things went farther.

Everything caught up.
My kindergarten friend goes to my school.
My middle school boyfriend is friends with him.
Apparently, they're cousins.
My ex/ guy friend still likes me.
My kindergarten friend likes me.
My kindergarten friend took me to homecoming.
Later, the boys fight.
I don't understand why girls want to be fought over.
It was awful.
Later, my camp friend and I confess our feelings.
So.. things happened.
I couldn't be happier,
But long distance *****.

Soon.
You keep saying it.
Soon.
Soon you'll have the money.
Soon you'll have the right part.
Soon your car will be fixed.
Soon you'll make plans to come see me.
Soon.
Baby, "soon" just seems to be
How we now measure eternity
Because "soon" is never soon enough
And it's driving me crazy.
I said I'd gladly wait
As long as it takes
But days and days
Keep melting away.
Soon seems to be forever.
Darling, I'd wait for you forever,
But my heart hurts
And it yearns for yours
So much that I want to scream
And break down every door.
This feeling of want
Is impossible to ignore.
I know you feel it too.

Waiting is torturing us.
But we can't give up.
We're too in love.
I'll never let go.
I'll wait as long as I have to.
I just have a hard time dealing
With this overwhelming feeling.
I need to get it out
But it's not something I can
Openly talk to you about.
I need to let go.
Not of you.
But I do.
I need to let go of me.
I'm a tortured mess.
And I need to let go
Of what's torturing my soul.
I crave your touch
In our long distance love.
I'M TRYING TO BE TOUGH
AND WAIT OUT TO FEEL YOUR LOVE
BUT SOON JUST ISN'T ******* SOON ENOUGH!!!

You want me to
Tell you,
Show you,
Explain to you
What is wrong with me,
What goes on in my head,
My past.
You want to understand
You want to help
You want to know the real me
Who I am..

The problem is..
I don't know either.
When you mentally suffer
Since birth,
You don't know the real you
Because you don't invent yourself.
You are too busy
Spending your life convincing
Everyone
That
"I'm fine"
"I'm okay"
...
but that's only the beginning
...
" Yes, I ate today"
(I think)
"It's a cat scratch"
(There's more on my hips)
"I don't know where the bottle is"
(under my bed, empty)
"Yeah, I slept fine"
(if you call 3 hours 'fine')

Lies I'll tell to everyone..
But you, love,
Are not "everyone", but
"Everything".
You are everything to me
And yet..
I can't tell you everything.
Not yet.
I will
When the time is right
I will
Tell you,
Show you,
Explain to you
What is wrong with me,
What goes on in my head,
My past.
So you can
Understand
Help
Know the real me.
And who I am.
But..
Until then...
Can you
Stay with me
Love me
Be patient with me
?

I can't wait to see you again.
For us to hold each other tight.
For everything to be perfect,
Even if it's just for one night.

I've made all the arrangements.
Everything is set.
Everything is ready
For our best night yet.

Dark room.
Colorful lights.
Loud music.
Sweaty teens.
All wearing something expensive
That they will only wear once.
A night they'll remember
Until prom the same year.
But all that matters
Is you and I, my dear.

As the speakers blare
And the sound and lights dance around us
Despite the crowd,
There is only us.

My darling
I'm sorry

I love you
I hate you
I need you
I fear you

You make me happy
You scare the **** out of me
I need you
Leave me alone
You saved me
Let me die

I can't stand you
But
I can't stand without you

Don't leave
Go away
You comfort me
Don't touch me
Stay
Get out of here

I'M BROKEN
YOU TRY TO FIX ME

LEAVE ME IN PAIN
IN PIECES
LIKE I'M MEANT TO BE

I don't deserve your
Warm
Loving
Caring
Heart.
I don't deserve love.

I deserve pain
Hurt
Suffering
Anger
Sadness.

Just..
Go away

I've never had what you give.
I'm afraid to accept it
because despite your promises, you might leave too.
I understand if you do.
...
But
Why stay?