I first knew I was gay
When my best friend kissed me
She came out a year before
she told her parents one night at the dinner table
And they told her they loved her no matter what and that
It’s a parents job to support their kids in the decisions they make
So I had no reason to be scared , Right?
So mum calls me down for dinner
Me, mum, dad and my little sister all sit at the table
Mum asks me how my day has been
And I tell her that my best friend kissed me
Mum spits and says
‘How dare she!’
Dad looks disgusted and says
‘I bet you pushed her away.’
I look down at my food in shame
‘No. No I didn’t.’
Both my parents look at each other with anger in their eyes
‘I’m gay.’
-silence-
‘Get out my house’
I get up, pack my bags and go.
Its been 5 years and now I’m married to a female
And now I know
When I told my parents I didn’t push my now wife away
I didn’t feel ashamed
I was proud

I hid.
I ran.
I hid.
I ran.
And hid.
And ran
And hid
And ran.

It was a cycle
That doesn't want to be halted
Only courage will stop it
Where could I find one?
I am a coward, I am afraid.
I don't want to be shamed!
I don't want to be embarassed!

But I grew tired of hiding
And running
And hiding
And running

The cycle stopped
I finally found the courage.

Inside the closet where I hid,
I felt fake
I felt suffocated.
I felt alone.
So I mustered my courage, and stepped outside.

Outside the closet is where I belong.
Those people surrounding it became my home.

skinny jeans
and a black tie
she has her hand
on my thigh
tell me
do you like me now?

cologne masking
the cigarette smell
all the girls say
I do it well
tell me
do you like me now?

my footprints walk
on new pavement
this city has
my soul awakened
tell me
do you like me now?

you stare
seeing new expressions
but my heart remains
loving my reflection
tell me
will you come around?

March 5th, 2017

i told you who i was today
words stolen from my mouth
"I'm not straight."
girls only or boys?
both, i told you
you nodded, relieved.
you said,
"I hope you do the right thing, make the right choice when God judges you."


April 28th, 2018

i've discovered who i really am now
girls only or boys?
girls, i know now
it will be inked on my skin like i've always wanted
you nodded, thoughtful
you said,
"it won't make me love you any less. You are my daughter, and I have loved you from the moment I saw you."

You went from,
"I hope you do what's right when God judges you."
To,
"You may be different to the whole world, but not to me and my heart."

The first time I gathered up enough courage
To tell my father his sons name
He looked at me
I watched his mouth move

"It'll be hard for me to let go" He says
He says
He says
He says
Like that would grab the dying name from Hell
And drag it back up again
But it doesn't
And he's disappointed

"You'll always be my little girl" He says
And my throat dries
And my heart dies
And my eyes shut tight
Like that would shield me from the sword
He stabbed into my very being
But it doesn't
And I'm disappointed

The first time I gathered up enough hate
To rip my body into little shards
He looked at me
I watched his mouth smile

I Am Lost
I am handsome
I am caring
I do good in school
I have friends
I am happy  

I like a boy
He’s sweet
And pretty
He smells heavy of cologne
But I like it
He's in my fourth period history class
He’s very funny in class
I talk to him Sometimes
But I don't think he knows I like him

“Basketball is a very important sport”
“Basketball is essential in my life; if I do not play I will become sick and die”
“No I don't understand question 7”
“Yes Brandon, I believe the basketball should be part of our national flag”
He's a macho kind of guy
So I can't flirt with him all that much
Six months ago I ran into him the hall
He looked so good with his hair pushed back and his new jacket
I couldn't help but smile

The next day I told him how I felt
I didn't know he’d tell all his friends
I didn't know how fast news could travel
I didn't know they'd make fun of me
I didn't know they'd say awful things about me
I didn't know people would treat me different
I didn't know how I felt was a sin
I didn't know how my parents found out
I didn't know why my dad stopped talking to me
I didn't know who to talk to
I didn't know how badly I needed it to stop
Until one day ; it did
I am bound to societal norms
I am drowning in discrimination and unequal rights
I am forced to live my life the way others see best
I am numb to the pain that tags along with each name that is thrown my way
“Gay“ “Freak“
“Loser”
I lost my friends
I lost my appetite
I lost my will power
My grades dropped
And so did my mood
I became an outcast
A loner
I was sad every day
I cried every hour  
But from now on that won't be a problem
I won't be problem
I'm going to stop this the only way I know how
I never knew what it was like to be in love
I never married
I never had kids
I never graduated
I never had a judgement free zone
I never had positive thoughts
I never found help  
Last wednesday when my eyes shut for good
I only hope
I opened someone else’s