I first knew I was gay
When my best friend kissed me
She came out a year before
she told her parents one night at the dinner table
And they told her they loved her no matter what and that
It’s a parents job to support their kids in the decisions they make
So I had no reason to be scared , Right?
So mum calls me down for dinner
Me, mum, dad and my little sister all sit at the table
Mum asks me how my day has been
And I tell her that my best friend kissed me
Mum spits and says
‘How dare she!’
Dad looks disgusted and says
‘I bet you pushed her away.’
I look down at my food in shame
‘No. No I didn’t.’
Both my parents look at each other with anger in their eyes
‘I’m gay.’
-silence-
‘Get out my house’
I get up, pack my bags and go.
Its been 5 years and now I’m married to a female
And now I know
When I told my parents I didn’t push my now wife away
I didn’t feel ashamed
I was proud

I hid.
I ran.
I hid.
I ran.
And hid.
And ran
And hid
And ran.

It was a cycle
That doesn't want to be halted
Only courage will stop it
Where could I find one?
I am a coward, I am afraid.
I don't want to be shamed!
I don't want to be embarassed!

But I grew tired of hiding
And running
And hiding
And running

The cycle stopped
I finally found the courage.

Inside the closet where I hid,
I felt fake
I felt suffocated.
I felt alone.
So I mustered my courage, and stepped outside.

Outside the closet is where I belong.
Those people surrounding it became my home.

skinny jeans
and a black tie
she has her hand
on my thigh
tell me
do you like me now?

cologne masking
the cigarette smell
all the girls say
I do it well
tell me
do you like me now?

my footprints walk
on new pavement
this city has
my soul awakened
tell me
do you like me now?

you stare
seeing new expressions
but my heart remains
loving my reflection
tell me
will you come around?

March 5th, 2017

i told you who i was today
words stolen from my mouth
"I'm not straight."
girls only or boys?
both, i told you
you nodded, relieved.
you said,
"I hope you do the right thing, make the right choice when God judges you."


April 28th, 2018

i've discovered who i really am now
girls only or boys?
girls, i know now
it will be inked on my skin like i've always wanted
you nodded, thoughtful
you said,
"it won't make me love you any less. You are my daughter, and I have loved you from the moment I saw you."

You went from,
"I hope you do what's right when God judges you."
To,
"You may be different to the whole world, but not to me and my heart."

I was fourteen when I finally found out the truth
About me
That my sexuality
Set me apart
From my peers
Because they didn't identify or mingle with queers
I knew you then but we didn't really talk much
It wasn't 'till we were seventeen when we began hanging out

We had fun chilling, passing time, and getting high
We had both always made sure we were alright
And that was the dramatic year I came out

Where did you go
Did my coming out make you wanna leave
Something I did not know
You were just as queer as me
And nobody would believe

Fighting, drinking, smoking, passing out
But yeah, we were alright
Everybody knew our group like to party
Yeah we got wasted every other night

Everybody loved you, you were the cool one
You always knew how to make everything so dangerous and fun

Where did you go
Nobody doesn't know
Something I just didn't know
You were just as queer as me
Nobody believed
You had to leave
You had to leave

I think that I always kind of knew
But I never wanted to say it
But now that you're gone
I believe it

Did my coming out
Make you uncomfortable and give you doubts

Now I know and I could have never believed
But you were just as queer as me
Nobody couldn't believe

Well I'm still surviving
I'm still having some fun going out and getting ****** up
I'm just letting you know if you come back we could still do that
Yeah that'll be what's up

Where did you go
Did my coming out make you wanna leave
Something I just didn't know
You were just as queer as me
Just as queer as me
Just as queer as me
Nobody couldn't believe
You had to leave
You had to leave

The first time I gathered up enough courage
To tell my father his sons name
He looked at me
I watched his mouth move

"It'll be hard for me to let go" He says
He says
He says
He says
Like that would grab the dying name from Hell
And drag it back up again
But it doesn't
And he's disappointed

"You'll always be my little girl" He says
And my throat dries
And my heart dies
And my eyes shut tight
Like that would shield me from the sword
He stabbed into my very being
But it doesn't
And I'm disappointed

The first time I gathered up enough hate
To rip my body into little shards
He looked at me
I watched his mouth smile

I Am Lost
I am handsome
I am caring
I do good in school
I have friends
I am happy  

I like a boy
He’s sweet
And pretty
He smells heavy of cologne
But I like it
He's in my fourth period history class
He’s very funny in class
I talk to him Sometimes
But I don't think he knows I like him

“Basketball is a very important sport”
“Basketball is essential in my life; if I do not play I will become sick and die”
“No I don't understand question 7”
“Yes Brandon, I believe the basketball should be part of our national flag”
He's a macho kind of guy
So I can't flirt with him all that much
Six months ago I ran into him the hall
He looked so good with his hair pushed back and his new jacket
I couldn't help but smile

The next day I told him how I felt
I didn't know he’d tell all his friends
I didn't know how fast news could travel
I didn't know they'd make fun of me
I didn't know they'd say awful things about me
I didn't know people would treat me different
I didn't know how I felt was a sin
I didn't know how my parents found out
I didn't know why my dad stopped talking to me
I didn't know who to talk to
I didn't know how badly I needed it to stop
Until one day ; it did
I am bound to societal norms
I am drowning in discrimination and unequal rights
I am forced to live my life the way others see best
I am numb to the pain that tags along with each name that is thrown my way
“Gay“ “Freak“
“Loser”
I lost my friends
I lost my appetite
I lost my will power
My grades dropped
And so did my mood
I became an outcast
A loner
I was sad every day
I cried every hour  
But from now on that won't be a problem
I won't be problem
I'm going to stop this the only way I know how
I never knew what it was like to be in love
I never married
I never had kids
I never graduated
I never had a judgement free zone
I never had positive thoughts
I never found help  
Last wednesday when my eyes shut for good
I only hope
I opened someone else’s

dear me in the 8th grade-

you haven’t even realized you like like boys yet.
you haven’t realized that all of those gay jokes are about you
so they don’t hurt your feelings, yet.
you haven’t seen what it’s like to be labeled as something, and also that the same label happens to be what everyone will know you as.
you didn’t realize that accepting yourself a lot sooner would’ve saved you a lot of memories you’d prefer to forget.

dear me in the 11th grade-

you’ve realized that after dating so many girls,
something just wasn’t really right.
you couldn’t pin-point it so you just ignored it.
maybe you thought love just wasn’t for you.
it wasn’t until that car ride with dad that you understood why everything was so confusing.
“be honest with me kid, are you gay?”
“oh ****...”
it was something that hadn’t even crossed my mind.

dear me in my 3rd year of college-

you’re definitely gay.
you’re challenged by the fact that you can’t hold your boyfriends hand in public the same way that your sisters and their boyfriends can.
you hate that dating through apps like
grindr and tinder seem to be the
best way to find “love”.
however, you love the fact that you now know exactly who you are, and you are unapologetic.

You didn't know that my notes were actually love letters
And no matter how sad I was, you knew how to make me feel better
That every picture I drew of you was me trying to impress
And it was so hard not to watch you undress
I didn't know that our drunk kisses meant nothing to you
That all the nights we spent cuddled up watching movies was just what friends do
I buried my feelings for you
Because I knew we could never make it
It took 5 years and a lot of tears for me to finally admit
That what I felt for you... was love.