I stay close to the words you say
I still never let them ruin my days

The alcohol ***** me up every time,
And I just can't seem to find,
My sanity in the calamity,
Of my ever loving mind,
Because when it's drowning in tequila,
I just want sleep with a fella,
I'll invite over random people from Tinder,
Thank the Lord I haven't been murdered,
Or worse, yes there's worse,
Because I'm suicidal, find me a hearse,
I've been this way,
Since the fourth grade,
When my innocence was broken,
And now I'm just too woken,
To the ways of the world and the **** people in it,
And I just can't seem to find my place among it,

Relapse on the horizon,
If I can't find a way to survive this,
Please someone save me from my drowning before I die,
Because I don't know how to swim in my own mind,

I've been in pieces lately,
Crying sometimes uncontrollably,
And that's just not me,
I'm usually relatively happy,
Cracking jokes, to cover my hurt,
So no one knows just how far down in the dirt,
I really am these days,
How much I just want to fade,
Into oblivion, and never resurface,
Because I put a mask on my face,
And tell everyone I'm okay,
It's like an automatic reaction to say,
To never tell anyone how I really feel,
Which is like garbage if you can deal,
With the truth, but most people can't handle it,
Most people don't want the real ****,

Relapse on the horizon,
If I can't find a way to survive this,
Please someone save me from my drowning before I die,
Because I don't know how to swim in my own mind.

A shocking revelatory letter is presented
The tone goes from thanks to regret
while the hurricane spins in her head
The pharmacology reconnected synapses,
morphing her soul, keeping her in bed

He realizes she’s letting go for him,
she’s done this before
She can’t figure out how to love him any more

Months later he realized the person
he thought he loved was just a mirror
She never knew her true self
Maybe she never will

They always leave and walk away,
Think I'll be okay, be okay,
But I'm not alright,
Being alone every night,
Reaching for someone who isn't there,
Liking someone who doesn't care,
And no I'm not asking for forever,
I just want someone who doesn't want to share,
Bed hopping like I'm not enough,
And they always leave me when they find out I'm corrupt,
When they break through the mask I put on,
Because inside I'm depressed and half gone,

I just want someone to stay and try,
To fix the broken pieces I try to hide,
Be there for me, in a way my friends can't be,
But no one wants to stick around for the real me,

And maybe if I were up front about my past,
How it's effected me, relationships could last,
But I've tried it, I've been there,
And still they walk away, it's not fair,
But I get it happiness isn't just handed to you,
Maybe just once though, I'd like that to be true,
I don't want to have to work so hard to be normal,
But living in a box was never in the cards for me at all,
When will someone decided I'm worth all the trouble,
All the heart ache, the arguments, and the struggle?
Because I promise once you break down the walls,
It'll be worth the fall,

I just want someone to stay and try,
To fix the broken pieces I try to hide,
Be there for me, in a way my friends can't be,
But no one wants to stick around for the real me.

I'm staring down at my arm holding a knife,
It may be only in my head, but I'm balancing my life,
Weighing out if it's worth the pain,
That I've been dealing with, making me more insane,
I've been ******* over so many times, by people who said they cared,
Well, maybe it's time I give up and stop trying so hard,
Because I've taken all the medications they want to give me,
I've done years and years, so much talking in therapy,
And still I'm here, contemplating the end of it all,
Because there's just so many times you can get up after a fall,

And it's a lie when they say you can always dust off your knees,
After laying on the ground, getting up and praying for release,
Because I've done my time, being miserable and in hurt,
And I just want some relief from sitting in the dirt,

Someone once told me you can always call me when you don't feel safe,
Well I don't want to be a burden, because I'd be calling every day,
Because lately I've been feeling down, feeling wrong,
About the past and all the things people have done,
And yeah, I'm more of a sinner than a saint at the end of the day,
But that's just the role that these deeds have cast me in to play,
For being abused at such young of an age,
And now I hate myself and want to pay,
Cosmically, permanently, with a smile on my face,
Because it would all be over, I can't keep up this pace,

The pills,
The thrills,
The ****,
The greed,
The hookups,
The makeups,
The alcohol,
The temptation of it all,
And everything in between,
I want to atone for my deeds,

It's a lie when they say you can always dust off your knees,
After laying on the ground, getting up and praying for release,
Because I've done my time, being miserable and in hurt,
And I just want some relief from sitting in the dirt.

If only my reflection was a tangible thing,
I'd stop feeling this painful sting,
In my knuckles from punching the mirror again,
But it doesn't have quite the right satisfaction,
As flesh and bone,
Obviously my own,
Now I could just scratch myself,
Make myself have to bleed,
But I really just kinda wanna,
Punch myself in the ******* face,

I need to teach myself a lesson,
Maybe beat out a nice confession,
Because I've got some secrets bottled up,
And their eating me alive, I've had enough,
So maybe if I could just give myself a fat lip,
I could enjoy life for just a bit,

I never let myself be happy,
But if someone could draw me a map,
Show me a place where I can be me,
Instead of hiding in a shell of who I pretend to be,
Because putting on a mask is kind of a habit,
One I need to stop, maybe some violence would solve it?
I've been sad for so long,
Even the meds have worn off,
And my psychologist told me she needs a break,
Cause I won't open up, and stop being fake,

I need to teach myself a lesson,
Maybe beat out a nice confession,
Because I've got some secrets bottled up,
And their eating me alive, I've had enough,
So maybe if I could just give myself a fat lip,
I could enjoy life for just a bit.

I'm fighting a war inside my head again,
I don't know why it's always life or death inside my brain,
There's no gray areas in my gray matter,
Only black and white, with zero color,
It gets bleak in there, and darker by the day,
I'm slowly going more than more insane,
I thought I hit my lowest point long ago,
But I feel like I'll be there again, before I know,
And I try to drop hints, but you seem to leave them in the cold,
But I get it, I'm the best masker or so I've been told,
So unless I just come right out and tell you my feelings,
You'll go on thinking I'm okay, without a hint of how I'm reeling,
Off balance on the inside, stumbling around underground,
Cause in my head I'll never be out of that basement with it's sounds,
I'm just always going to be stuck in my childhood trauma,
A head-case without a warning label, just asking for her Mama,

But no one can fix this for my inner child,
She's stuck in her cage, just in the corner trying to hide,
Because someone hurt us too much to ever really be okay,
So until the day I die, by my own hand or God's, I'll fake,
Fake happiness, fake living, I'm a zombie without a patient zero tag,
Just another millennial on too many meds, wishing to be fixed with everything they have,

And yeah, I'm like alphabet soup, BPD, PTSD, OCD,
Bipolar, alcoholic and addict maybe, and a few other things,
Genetics and circumstance ******* me over without asking,
And now I'm stuck in my head every day wondering if I'm living,
Another day in this forsaken world, or should I just slit my wrists,
Find something to overdose on, or maybe just take a risk,
Cause sometimes when I feed my impulsive beast,
The voices shut up for just a beat,
And yeah, that's bitten me before, but not that bad,
So I haven't learned my lesson, not quite yet,
I just wanna drink myself to forgetting,
That I even wrote something so full of feeling,
Smoke a J, and not remember all my problems in the morning,
Because I'm tired, so tired of remembering,
Carpet stains and moans of pleasure,
Wash my hands over and over,
And maybe one day it'll all be done,
But until that day, I'll be on the run,

But no one can fix this for my inner child,
She's stuck in her cage, just in the corner trying to hide,
Because someone hurt us too much to ever really be okay,
So until the day I die, by my own hand or God's, I'll fake,
Fake happiness, fake living, I'm a zombie without a patient zero tag,
Just another millennial on too many meds, wishing to be fixed with everything they have.