unwavering love;
your wavering voice
c a u g h t
in the eye of my storm

                                 (oh how I hope my torrents don't sweep you away)

Do you see these nails that are bitten and torn to shreds.
Do you see my hair that is mangled and tangled, it hasn't been washed in days.
Do you see this acne on my face, I pick at it till it leaves scars.
Do you see the clothes I'm wearing, I bet I haven't changed them in weeks.
Do you see this room, I haven't cleaned it in months
Do you see my teeth, they bleed because I haven't brushed them in awhile.
Do you see I go on binges of eating or not eating, cause I feel guilty.
Do you see I go on benders if drinking or smoking.
Do you see my eyes and face are red from crying recently.
Do you see my texts I never send cause you wouldn't care.
Do you see when I say "I'm ok", "I'm fine" that those are just lies.
Do you see my smile and laugh, it's mostly fake.  
Do you see how I sleep all day and wake up and go right back to bed.
You don't see but you should.

This list could go on for infinitely.
It's signs like this that should be noticed.
Depression, anxiety or any mental illness is important for learning the signs.
Your story matters just as well as your voice.

I am
Somewhere
In between
Sitting on
Top of the world
And
Floating
Helplessly
Into the abyss.

I have borderline personality,
I can be sad and happy,
I can feel the sad and happy of the days,
I'm always mad
I'm always bored
I'm just so empty
All the time

I have anxiety
I feel like dying every day
I wish everything could just disappear

I'm just illness and pain
I'm just sickness and destruction

I have borderline personality
I have anxiety
I have pain
I no longer have a life to live

to be honest with you,
i didn't plan on making it this far.

i didn't plan anything at all.

and i'm always baffled by my lack of motivation,
but i forget i've already made my biggest accomplishment by

being here today.

i hate the way my stomach feels when it’s literally caving into itself, you know? like when you got suppppper close to your first kiss at church camp the year before your grandma died? and then it felt the same way the year she did die and you let that 22 year old feel you up on your first kiss even though you were only 12. sort of like the time you had your first true heart break, you know when he showed you what it was like to not be taken advantage of, and then time that he did take advantage of you? or the time he cheated? or how the night your soul broke because of it and your mom and sisters literally held you down and wept the whole time, begging you to not do this to yourself. you know the build up and drop you get doing a new drug for the first time, and then the 1000th?

yeah it honestly makes me sick, and it’s not just my stomach that’s affected.