I didn't want you,
I wanted love
and I have realised
that they are not the same thing.

You were a mould
that I poured my insecurities in,
a computer I tried to program.

But you are a sky,
stormy and clear and rainy and warm.

You were so blue when I longed for red.

I didn't want you.
I wanted the thought.

Where have you been?
I'm always craving
Your response
Stop it
You stay
Stomping on
The friendship I want
For us
Why can't you just
Let me love
Family is few and
far between
What have we become?

the electricity that you breathe,
sparks the air between me and your high-rise jeans.
i dreamt every night of july
about crushing your lips with mine,
but it's october now,
and i'm watching you recline.

there are times i still feel your fingertips grazing my cheek from when you stared at me as we procrastinated our goodbye.
i feel as though when your touch finally forfeited and you left that day, some sort of bond was made.
some invisible string tied us together at the wrists, and on the days we don’t speak my fingers go numb.
i tap them and beg for my senses to wake on the tables and counters i pass, in a rhythm that matches no other beat but your heart.
i wonder if you lose feeling at the thought of me.

Thank you for not washing your dishes before you left
They sat there on the counter all day while I was at work and with my family
And thank you for leaving your key with the spare
I found it before I found out you had gone
I found your note while I cooked dinner
Nothing changes
I had rice on the stove and half-thawed chicken in the toaster oven
I had on the same sweatshirt I've always worn in the evenings
I had on the same show in the background
I let my hair down and slammed my body against the appartment door
You hadn't even the decency to speak to me
I knew we were tired but

You just left

With all brutality and unceremoniously, you pulled yourself out of my life,
All of your clothes out of my apartment
Half of our photographs, your computer and your body wash
I brushed my teeth and I slept on the couch
I went to work the next morning
I don't have time to mourn you
I would have helped you walk away
If you were really gone, I wouldn't have kept trying to love you
I could have helped you move out
I could have told you I'm sorry it didn't work
I could have kissed our scars better and you would still be standing here
But you left, empty bottle on the coffee table
***** breakfast dishes in the sink

I’m not going to compare what we had to a tombstone
because there, you would have at least left me some form of goodbye
Something to re-read when I needed a reason to why I couldn’t find you
Where our love use to be
Hidden in the folds of my sheets; Under my porch light at 2 am
Anywhere and everywhere I've been has always been you
I can’t see the sun without pretending the warmth is from you
But at night I feel the coldness tearing away at my skin and it feels like honesty
Laying alone in my bed is like laying with a stranger or a dead carcass
I guess both can be the same  
But if I were to compare what we had to a tombstone
it would be for the reason I can’t see you anymore
Without imagining you under it
At least then I could pretend you left those words for me to find
Where our love use to be
Or never was

The stars line the skyline,
and the moon lies beside me.
It's not often the sun and the moon intertwine.
It seems we have finally crossed paths;
You call me your sunrise, and you are my moon.
After countless years we have finally met and while astronomy says it is meant to be brief,
I'm begging for a miracle and for the chance of an eclipse.
And while it could end the world should it last too long,
We'd get what we've been asking for.
To spend every moment of the rest of our lives,
together.

Disheveled and groggy, I wake to your smile as you calmly run your hand over your face.
Tired eyes meet mine and I welcome you.
I grasp my pillow when I am urged to hold you;
You are not mine.
Your eyes are focused on your phone and impulse begs me to take it,
throw it to the side,
and kiss you.
It beckons me to distract you from the hectic that has been your recent days.
I clench my pillow.
You turn your attention to me and ask what the matter is.
The anger dissipates from your clouded eyes when landing on me.
As dim as the room is, it reminds me of moonlight.
Soft, embracing.
Instead of responding, I trace the flames on your right forearm.
In this moment, I am warm.
You do not further in asking, instead you lean your head against mine and let out an exasperated sigh.
My free hand clenches my pillow.
Inside I am imploring,
"I want to love you how she never could.
"I want to love you purely.
"I want to love you wholesome."
Instead, I softly press my lips against the tattoo I was tracing.
Your fingers loosely find their way to mine, and we lay.
Quietly,
Comfortably.
I recite the moment I kiss your lips.
I plan it, step by step.
Perfectly.
Doubt drowns me out and while our lips are mere inches apart,
this is not the moment I will close the gap.
I instead bring my eyes to yours and scream every emotion I am feeling.
You grin softly at me and lay your head down, closing your eyes.
I lazily drape an arm across your chest and you drift off with an arm around me.
As you drift away to the sleep you **** well deserve,
I whisper all of the things I'd never tell
you
while you
were
awake.