i gathered up my heartbreak
disposed of it on empty sheets of paper
now i find that you're no longer
consuming my mind
and i'm almost hurt
over not hurting anymore
still thinking of you
always thinking of you
but not in the same way
now
nothing hurts

a boy waiting patiently at the train station
he lights up a cigarette
can't smell the flowers in his hand
over the smell of petrol

i don't remember what happened
when i saw you
arms stretched, bodies entwined
happy tears, nose kisses

i never did meet you at that station
but if i did
i would still be locked in your kiss

with the quiet damp night above us
you moved your attention
from the flicking street lamp
to the click of my lighter
and though you had known me for years
you were seeing me for the first time
you imagined something sentimental
written on my cigarette as i inhaled
and our conversation wrapped itself up
in a farewell hug, as you spoke:
'you don't look like a smoker'
'what does a smoker look like?'
'not you'
then you walked away
the only thing i noticed
was that you didn't look back

on your 18th birthday
i wrote you a poem
with shaking hands
i read it aloud to you
swallowing my fear between each stanza
you told me you loved it, loved me

today it's your 19th birthday
and in keeping with traditions
i wrote you a poem that you will never read:

when i met you it was almost like
i had known your face
from when i was a child
you were a familiarity
that wrapped me up
your voice was in the songs that i adored
your face was the dream i didn't want to wake from
your words were in love poems
that i had written before i met you
but did not understand
i loved you whole
it was exhausting
i love you still
it is exhausting
most of all i miss you
i hope i always think of you
somehow and somewhere
across the ocean
a different time zone
for every birthday that passes you
i hope it's happy, i hope you think of me too

you who keeps my bed warm
when i wander in the night
you who keeps my mind blank
with your ****** distractions
you who too often asks me about my feelings
like a shy child in the classroom
too scared to get the answer wrong
i only have one feeling
it is tangled up in the dark matter of my mind
a loss of a life, a loss of a love
the life was mine
the love was hers
your questions are shadows
on an empty bedroom wall
because i can't describe her in words anymore.