they told me "reach new heights and you'll feel tall"
I climbed the clouds and all I felt was small

they told me "do what's right and you'll feel strong"
I did what I thought right but was I wrong?

they told me to find happiness in friends.
I looked, found shallow laughter, bitter ends

they told me just to find myself within.
I opened up; found only empty skin.

In that moment it had occurred to me that for my entire life I had been breathing in a toxic, poisonous gas.

One that had been draining my life and destroying my soul.

The first word she spoke, the first smile that I witnessed grace her lips; that was fresh air.

She was oxygen.

I may not have much. I may not be worth anything of value.

But she owns every ounce of my soul.
Every thought in my head.
She owns my entire heart,
and hopefully, every second of my future.

Sentences are easy,
Stanzas: scary.

Stories are told;
Poems, expressed.

Feelings to words
Ideas to image.

Thoughts distilled
To pleasing sounds.

little dark girl with
kind eyes
when it comes time to
use the knife
I won't flinch and
i won't blame
you,
as I drive along the shore alone
as the palms wave,
the ugly heavy palms,
as the living does not arrive
as the dead do not leave,
i won't blame you,
instead
i will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
little dark girl with kind eyes
you have no
knife. the knife is
mine and i won't use it
yet.

I hated you
I hated you more than I probably understood how to hate
I hated your green eyes and I hated all of the time I wasted staring at them
I hated how you didn't believe in me
I hated how all I was to you was a story that you didn't have to read
but hate doesn't make sense
You can't tear down a tree just because it makes oxygen
If all I was was static than maybe you learned something
Maybe you learned tbat all of those colours on the TV screen were breathing
Maybe you learned the sounds of a heartbeat other than your own
Maybe you learned that somebody could love beautifully with every cell in their body,
Even if you couldn't
Things didn't have to make sense after you
I fell just as much in love with the things I didn't know as I had with your retinas
This is what stronger looks like
All of the cursive loops that make my teachers happy
I didn't understand how to hate you,
I was lost in all these memories that drifted in and out of my bloodstream
You were in there somewhere, I think
In there with all of the things love couldn't describe
Maybe you were a clot and that's why I left you
I did a lot of leaving after you
A lot of doors closed behind me
I lost a lot of good people
I didn't know that love was going to hurt me
I didn't know that love was going to tell me that I wasn't good enough
I didn't know that love could hide for so long that I thought it was dead and still come back,
Pretending to sew up all the damage in its unexpected wake
You were supposed to be beautiful