In the spotlight
That is not me
Behind the scenes
No one will ever see
I like that writing offers me comfort
I may be a ****** poet and I'll accept my own criticism
But the pages of my journal are my canvas
One where my life is portrayed
Captured in high definition
Lacking photo shop or an edit
No one knows I like to write and that's the greatest comfort of it all
It's my own little secret
I am my own Dorian Gray locking my portrait and hiding it forever
My friends don't know I write and neither does my mother
My teachers don't know I write and neither does my brother
It's a safety net under a thin line between sanity and insanity threatening to part their ways-
With insanity inevitably winning the tug of war of course
The therapeutic scribbles add to the thickness
They offer a chance
The uncontrable brush strokes work hard against gravity
Behind the scenes I am working on a masterpiece

you remind me of shattered glass on the floor
a 1000 piece puzzle on the ground that has never been solved
You are so broken
almost impossible to fix
As you dig yourself into a deeper hole
You isolate yourself from everybody
Think they offer you no good
You keep on digging deeper
Falling deeper into this groove
I wish I was invited to you pity party but it seems to have reached maximum occupation with your drugs
You open another pill bottle
Watch as the tablets empty through the translucent plastic
You reach for the glass of water next to you
And accidently knock it off the bedside table
You watch it plummet to the ground
It shatters into pieces
The broken glass reminds me of you

Everyone deserves a second chance
Life offers us hands
it offers us crazy glue and tape
As hard as it may be
its not impossible to save you
its never actually too late

thaw my frozen heart
lets be alone together

make me crave the warmth of your skin
make me wish you were here

remind me that frozen is vulnerable
remind me that frozen shatters

i never want to break that easy
i never want to be cold again

I've seen more beer cans on the ground of the backstreets of my town than kids playing outside
I hear the background music of apps like temple run more often than I hear book pages being flipped on a train
While hearing the explanation to why my friend is in a fight with her boyfriend key words like "opened my snapchat" "read my text" "ignored my dm" are brought up more than you can ever imagine
I stand up for millennials, I am a millennial but in light of the good we cannot ignore the bad
we have made technological advances that once were unfathomable
We have made scientific discoveries that were once unimaginable
We are the future
But we can not ignore how we might lead to our own downfall
We are the future
But do we want our kids to live in an even more intense version of this technological blur
This addiction, this technological addiction will lead to our own demise
The youth will never see another playground again because they can visit one in their screen for points
Children today are addicted to phones before they can even project their own sentences
Adults use it as an escape to quiet their kids for a little, "to distract them" "keep them occupied"
A few years later they ask them why they never leave their room, why they are glued to their laptop
You cannot punish the robot you created
You cannot revoke the escape key you once gave them
There is a problem in today's generation
And we need it to change
One day iWish to walk the streets of my town and see more children than empty bud lights

Get used to it

Thoughts so intrusive I wonder how thin of a line lies between regret and morality
There was a time when someone told me that its possible to get used to anything
That wounds heal, feelings fade, people are easy to replace
I find comfort in the elasticity of emotions but question just how comfortable i should be
My fingertips, coated in cherry red, dripping with blood,fresh with ******
No longer cause me to tremble from killing what once existed
My words shackled deep into the caves of confession no longer try to run away
The echo of your voice meant everything to me but this silence envelopes me like a warm blanket
Hands covered in the remaining decay of 18 years of life, are easily washed off
I think about how easily the rest of me could be stripped away
I welcome the thought with sincerity
My face is covered in everything but what is expected- tears
I wonder how long I’ll go to sleep feeling like this
Comfortable in a sunflower field of anguish
You told me I could get used to anything
But those were words I could never get used to

I dont know what to say
I dont know how to feel
I've felt so distraught lately like the world is not real
I've done so good lately but its back on my heels
The darkness the shadow trailing to steal
The gold medal, the trophy a race to my mind
First place to reach it in just a matter of time
Control over my thoughts, my feelings my finds
Clearing out any good memories or happiness of any kind

But it's time to yank it back, tie the race up
End with survival of the fittest and win the gold cup
To ensure my happiness and leave second for dust
I need to win this round i cannot give up
Ironic how the shadow cannot live without light
When that illumination is the only thing i am trying to ignite
A little bit of sunshine and a lotta bit of might
It's the last 400
Victory is in sight

Immune

My mind is trained to treat you as a toxin
The occasional thought of you is fought off with resilience
My emotions become resistant to your presence
I am anti you
anti feeling down
anti feeling as if I'm not good enough
like I'm not worth your time
like i have to compete for your attention
Anti your smile
Anti your lies
Anti your rejection
I have become immune to your words
Immune to your touch
Immune to your actions
I am no longer affected
By your sweet words or your bitter actions
My mind is protected from your attack
And ones further after you
You have been an inoculation
A vaccine
A chance to avoid vulnerability
I am no longer susceptible
I am officially immune

I'm not gonna go insane
Although sometimes I can't promise that I won't
The clock on the living room wall has never  bothered me until I noticed the relentless noise it projects
The first tick u hear the harder it is not to anticipate the rest in high quality exasperation
It mocks ur mind and makes u cringe
The constant ticking is equivalent to an insanity filled syringe-
The worst poison of all
-But I'm not gonna go insane

Life's schedule works like clock work
Nothing ever changes
Each second follows just like the last
Each day fresh and crisp with unwavered blandness
And there is nothing I hate more than consisitency --
But don't worry I'm not gonna go insane

Each day is followed just like the last
With a strict schedule layed upon your desk on shown on your lap
Weather is predicted,so is this game
But really trust me Im not gonna go insane

Oh who am I kidding
I'm teetering towards crazy
The fixed ticking is too much
But I don't want to be a victim of familiarity

Promise me one thing
Before that ever happens
Make sure my life was lived unanticipated

Like a clock stutter
Or an unexpected storm
A broken pendulum

Id rather die young
Then sell my soul to a life full of deja vus

***** me with suspense
**** me with adventure
**** me with spontaneity
But for Gods sake don't **** me with repetition

She falls in love with rejection
The lack of attention
She may need an intervention
But it cant be prevented
The mere mention
Of self descension
Wraps her mind in a new dimension
She falls for degradation
And cant help her fascination
She is stuck in a contravention
Which leads to sleep deprivation
He is not easy to fool
She thinks in admiration
She is in love with rejection and his never ending reprehension

Have you ever been in love with the thought of someone
I just recently figured out that I was
if these signs flash red in your head  save yourself some time and break up with your mind
Here are some warnings that you are falling in love with a preconceived idea instead of the physical real deal
I can daydream for hours about what we can be together
Conversations come easy in my mind
he always seems to know what im thinking and i always laugh at his jokes
He's all i can think about and i wish for every second to be spent by his side
I wonder what he's doing at the moment and can't help but wonder if he's thinking about me too
We playfight and laugh for hours he tackles me onto the bed
We fall asleep watching our favorite movies and wake up to bagels and coffee
We talk about our favorite books and roam the streets of New York
We're the happiest couple in the city and it radiates for miles

My daydream is cut short by my doorbell
It's him at the door
I open it excited to feel again
I am greeted by your face but your smile doesn't make my heart race
You come in for a hug but it's nothing but an empty embrace
We grab snacks turn on a movie but it's not how I pictured it
Our conversations seem to be scripted
Every touch feels like an obligation
We fall asleep to avoid each others distance
We wake up to bagels and coffee
But my favorite book isn't the same as yours
Your favorite song comes on but it makes me cringe
The distance between us feels larger
And it projects through the busy streets of the city life
I realize that I'm not in love with you
I never have been
It's really not you
It's me
Really and my crazy distorted mind
The one that is too imaginative and wishful for me to tame
I need to cut this off
Us
Me
Most importantly
My exaggetory hopeless romantic mind

Some people stay up thinking about the treacheries of life
Their mind becomes a jumble of thoughts banging on their eyelids like the loudest of drums
Their over analyzation denies them any type of rest
They cannot fall asleep
This leads to insomnia, and sleeping pills come to the rescue
--Me I'm the opposite
I can't stay awake
Reality drags me to my bed,
Under the comfort of my sheets
I can dream whatever I PLEASE about this sick world
Trumps not actually president
The world is a platform for love
Hate is wiped clear of the planet  
Racists realize that color does NOT matter
Humans learn to love eachother with their minds clear of bias
I'm good at something??
The boy I like actually likes me back?!
When I'm in bed I don't want to wake up
It's so much easier living in my head
With colors that fly through my mind like a paintbrush
It's my own drug
Every dream I have is a book that I have published for me myself and I only
there's a little world in there far better than the one out here
I'll snooze my alarm for three hours
And imagine the world how I want it
With my eyes closed to view it in the highest of definitions

let me cry
Seriously I’m surprised it took me this long to explode, i know I’ve began to crack prior to this, but nothings ever shattered
For all the times ive had reasons to blame or an explanation to pin
But this one shackled me in my head and demanded isolation
-A friend I haven't seen in a while
Accompanied by a low frequency of feeling and high frequency of tears
Push away the people who love you in order to not feel like a burden
Make jokes about all the things that hurt you the most
Force yourself to be vulnerable so you can hate yourself in the morning
Cry until your eyes hurt
Avoid all human interaction until the last drum beats its quiet but powerful hum
Silence out the voices of reason
You're enveloped by whatever this is- the music will soon stop
I never liked this song anyway i want it to stop
I haven't written in a while and i wonder if this is because I'm becoming vulnerable again
Remember when i didnt rely on people and hated constant company
Remember when i didnt realize how much i needed it until i loved constant company
The thought of isolation surrounded by four walls and people i hate rooted from the only thing i am supposed to love-
Kills me
It silences me
And everything i know
Im buried in everything i hate
I become everything i despise
I see myself becoming everything i fear
I picture myself sinking into something i can never come back out of
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
One that i cant see now
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
That i am oblivious to its colors
I like to hope there is a bigger picture
Because i have no answer for these happenings
I have questions so many questions
But have always hated “why me”
I wonder until I bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds “why me”
I think about the amount of people who have seen me cry
And i wonder what they think
I think about how my feet become robots trained to run far from heart beats whenever i start to feel pain
these blocks of cement run fast-

I am not allowed to feel pain
Who is that and how do you comfort her
I am not allowed to feel pain
Who am i to talk about myself and expect anyone in the world to understand
I listen to the dials of my phone ring and think about what made up story i should tell you when you answer
i dont know about pain,
i can never introduce you to her

This is my call for help
The rings continue to echoe
This is my call for help
All i need is one word
This is my call for help
And i dont want concern
i just need your help
i dont want your pity
I dont need your help
And i dont expect understanding
I am asking you for
help.

Let the phone ring
pick it up on the last ring so my intrusive thoughts have enough time to throw a party
Answer
Please
all you need to say is hello

sometimes all i am asking for

is a voice to remind myself that i am alive
Let me cry

Seriously I’m surprised it took me this long to explode, i know I’ve began to crack prior to this, but nothings ever shattered
For all the times ive had reasons to blame or an explanation to pin
But this one shackled me in my head and demanded isolation
-A friend I haven't seen in a while
Accompanied by a low frequency of feeling and high frequency of tears
Push away the people who love you in order to not feel like a burden
Make jokes about all the things that hurt you the most
Force yourself to be vulnerable so you can hate yourself in the morning
Cry until your eyes hurt
Avoid all human interaction until the last drum beats its quiet but powerful hum
Silence out the voices of reason
You're enveloped by whatever this is- the music will soon stop
I never liked this song anyway i want it to stop
I haven't written in a while and i wonder if this is because I'm becoming vulnerable again
Remember when i didnt rely on people and hated constant company
Remember when i didnt realize how much i needed it until i loved constant company
The thought of isolation surrounded by four walls and people i hate rooted from the only thing i am supposed to love-
Kills me
It silences me
And everything i know
Im buried in everything i hate
I become everything i despise
I see myself becoming everything i fear
I picture myself sinking into something i can never come back out of
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
One that i cant see now
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
That i am oblivious to its colors
I like to hope there is a bigger picture
Because i have no answer for these happenings
I have questions so many questions
But have always hated “why me”
I wonder until I bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds “why me”
I think about the amount of people who have seen me cry
And i wonder what they think
I think about how my feet become robots trained to run far from heart beats whenever i start to feel pain
these blocks of cement run fast-

I am not allowed to feel pain
Who is that and how do you comfort her
I am not allowed to feel pain
Who am i to talk about myself and expect anyone in the world to understand
I listen to the dials of my phone ring and think about what made up story i should tell you when you answer
i dont know about pain,
i can never introduce you to her

This is my call for help
The rings continue to echoe
This is my call for help
All i need is one word
This is my call for help
And i dont want concern
i just need your help
i dont want your pity
I dont need your help
And i dont expect understanding
I am asking you for
help.

Let the phone ring
pick it up on the last ring so my intrusive thoughts have enough time to throw a party
Answer
Please
all you need to say is hello

sometimes all i am asking for

is a voice to remind myself that i am alive
Let me cry

A phone is sold for 600 dollars
That is a small price for instant gratification, constant distraction and a full time job scrolling through a black hole of unfulfilled emptiness
I tap through my apps
Wishing I could tap into your mind instead
Maybe your profile is the closest I will get to knowing you
You are easy to understand through a screen

I turn my phone off
I delete all my apps
I don't want to know you through a phone screen
I want to know you in real life
I don't want to tap twice on your pictures
I want to tap into your mind
Tell me how you really feel
Show me who you really are
Fill me with gratification, one that will last
Distract me with your intellectual thoughts
Let your words fly across the center console of your four door car
I don't want them swimming on my timeline
Let them echo through the reality of the world
Do not pull your phone out
I repeat don't pull it out
It is lifesucking

Show me who you really are
But To start off please lower the device
So I can atleast see your face

I've learned to never rely on anybody
Never for happiness
Never for help never for stability

I don't want to talk to anyone if it feels like an obligation
And everything seems like an obligation

The sun shines a million miles high as I sit on its beams
I jump to the clouds and visit the moon
I play with Saturn’s rings
And wave to Uranus
I stray far from Earth and picture myself
Floating forever in the comfort of zero gravity oblivion
I never look down and skip my way to Mars
I hold my breath and imagine a life far away from mine

My boss called me an open book today
And I kind of took offense to it
But then I realized an author chooses what they want to publish
Authors write the chapters they want people to see
They choose how many pages are read
He may think I'm an open book but there are pages torn out
Pages that have been destroyed and will never be available for human consumption
He may think I'm an open book
And maybe I'll let him think I am
At least I realize that fiction books exist too

My face lights up at the mere mention of your name
Pathetic
I run to my phone
hoping its your contact I'm greeted by on the screen
Pathetic
My teacher asks me why I'm not paying attention
Pathetic
I tell her I'm tired
Pathetic
but really
I'm can't stop thinking about you
Pathetic
I cant sleep
Pathetic
- wishing i was in your arms
Pathetic
You make me feel protected
Pathetic
Yet so vulnerable
Pathetic

We stay up talking about the world
Pathetic
You take me out to lunch-
-I cant stop smiling
Pathetic
I love your eyes
Pathetic
I love your smile
Pathetic
I love your unwavering sarcasm
Pathetic
I love that you always know whats going on in the news
not pathetic
I loved that I  could always count on you
-
...I hate that i believed that.

I saw you with her
Pathetic
Through the glass window of our favorite cafe
Pathetic
You took a toll on my mind
Pathetic
-And I let you
Pathetic

I cant sleep at night-
Wondering why I wasn't good enough
I turned off my phone-
To avoid the temptation of calling you
I skipped lunch-
Because I couldn't stomach the thought of you
You made me see the world differently-
But I hate this version without you


I hate your messy hair
Pathetic
I hate your quick wit
Pathetic
I hate the way you read your stupid books
And the way you listened to your stupid songs
I hate the way your mouth curled, and your eyes glimmered with passion when you talked about your stupid poems
-
-I hate that I'm lying
Pathetic
I hate that I miss those things


I hate that I cant help it
Pathetic
I hate that I can't help but think about you-
Pathetic
with her-
Pathetic
I cant help that it breaks me
The image of her in my seat of our cafe
The image of her in my seat of any  place
I hate that I cant help that shes better for you
I hate that you chose her
I hate that i 100% understand why, I mean who wouldn't
Lets face it
I hate that I just cant help but be anything other
   than, hm what's the word I'm looking for?
So fricking
pathetic.

"Everytime I think I find the purpose to life they seem to change it. "

Can't you see what you've done to me
Can you hear it in my voice
Can u read it in the bags of my eyes
Can u feel it in my shaky breaths
In my jittery legs
In the stutter of my steps
Have you noticed the loss of my presence
The loss of my zeal
The absence of my glimmer
Have you noticed the lump in my throat
Do you see the knot in my stomach
Can you feel it in my bones
Have you noticed that theyve shattered--
Along with another *****
Does the world feel heavy to you?
My mind feels a little heavy
Have you seen how much my thoughts weigh?
Can u see it in my eyes
Can you hear my shouts for help
Do you see me drowning
Or am I too far under water
Do you know that you did this to me

Uncontent is how I slept
Rolling in thoughts
Looking for a reason

Imperfections are easy to spot when they're all you see in the mirror
Each reflection is a glaring image of another thing I hate about myself
Projected in clear and honest detail
The reflection does not lie
It does not deceive
It seems to be the only thing that tells the truth

Has a memory ever sent  chills of anxiousness down your spine
after your mind so considerately forced it  to replay a cringing vivid encounter of a horrific experience
The high definition play back never fails to send me shivering in my seat
I feel like my friends are always asking me if I'm cold

I preach safety
But I no longer lock the door
I don't put on my seatbelt
Or look both ways
I don't double check things
Or worry about the dark
I walk the streets at midnight
With no sense of paranoia
Lacking the urge to look back
I don't mind if someone is following me


Because I have nothing to fear
These are all things I used to preach about
But no longer practice
Fear does not appeal to my senses
Nothing seems to anymore
I am numb like the tips of my thumbs upon return

You can't blame me for getting sick of your consistency
You became a platter I ate seven days a week
You were once my favorite dish
But soon enough
The thought of you made me sick
There was
No spice
no flavor
no texture
just pure and utter predictability

She thought of you as Sunday morning
You thought of her as Friday night
You were her cup of coffee
She was your hangover delight
She wanted you every morning
You only ever wanted her at night
She wondered what she could do to make you see that
To clear your blurred vision of life
You never listened to a word she said
all you ever wanted to do was get to the bed
She exceeded your expectations
But you were too blind to see
She could've been your Sunday morning, your morning coffee and your favorite type of tune
She could've been your messy bed sheets, your comfiest pjs and your midday afternoon
She could've been that but you were too naive to notice
now she's spending Sunday morning with someone who treats her like java beans and omelets
While youre laying in a bed full of empty on Friday night

we're all born with a clean slate
but life makes its marks
the cleanest slates have not lived
and will eventually fade off
by the end of my life I want a slate filled to the brim
abstract in sharpie and written on a whim

Heavy hearts and heavy minds
Become the initiation to your teenage years
Feel like **** all the time?
Welcome right in!
You're perfect for the teenage angst club!

Don't know how to feel ever ?
Sign your name right here!!

Ever stay in bed for hours dreading your reflection in the mirror or the daily role you have to play in life?
Sign here here and here !

How bout the constant beat of your humdrum life
Does it ever drive you crazy??
Us too!! thats the  Teenage Angst clubs most played song ! Even thought we abseloutely loaathe it
It seems like the pause button never seems to work

Ooooo! What about relationships?? Do you self destruct when any glimmer of good is introduced in your life??
Oh ! Perfect!
If you've answered yes to one or more of any of these questions
Please feel free to send your resume in! we accept any and all miserable teenagers on the verge of insanity
Our club thrivessss on deranged thought
We hope you can make it to our meeting next week!
-that is of course if you can make it out of bed
Xoxo we'd love to see you

She was an enigma
The same reason he hated her
Was the main source of his love

Unrequited love

It's hard to balance a scale containing two opposite things right
But doesn't the old saying say opposites attract?
At least that what i try to convince myself
When my side of the scale teeters tremendously lower than yours

when the house stars to smell like stale beer and **** again
And I don't know who to call
I can't help but feel these walls cave in again
Back to feeling like I have no one at all

He has broken written all over him
It twinkles in the soft sad glitter of his eyes
Like the most miserable stars at midnight
Its shown in the restless bags laying beneath them
Painted in black resembling the empty void in his mind
Its seen in the vigorous shaking of his hands
Ready to self destruct like an earthquake
Its written the subtle curve of his lips
Positioned in permanent discontent
Its felt in his cold harsh exterior
Rigid and unapproachable
Its portrayed in his  bitter treatment of this callous world
Its written in his hatred  
He has broken written all over him and the pen him is smeared in discontent
Its seen in his undeviated response to a world that has shattered him more than once
It is heard in the broken exterior of his voice
Stuttered in anxiety and hopelessness
It is seen in the raggedness of his clothes
Hanging off his helpless limbs
It shines in the grease of his long uncombed hair
He is unkempt but does not care
He cannot care
Each detail adding on to his broken image

When it's easier to fall out of love than in
How am I supposed to believe this is a forever thing
When you claim you've been in love before
How do I know I'm just not another
When my words mean more to you than my actions
How can I guarantee the same conversation won't have you falling for another
Lust before love
One is expected not to last
The other
A forever thing
One that never makes it to forever
Not now not never not in the past

We're all just kids
Who grew up way too fast
Hoping to get to the good days
Wishing the good days would last

I wish I could understand myself
How do I expect anyone to read my emotions
When I can't even understand my own, let alone feel them
I've been in situations where I know my heart is supposed to race or my eyes are supposed to glimmer
But there always seems to be some type of malfunction
Like I lack these human necessities
Like my emotions decided to go on break
I'm not talking lunch but more like a 52 week vacation