Feeling much better.
But I know it's just because
I'm smoking more ****.

I still sometimes wear
your sweater
to sleep.

Why are we confident
In the sea of people
But drown
In the drops of intimacy

he's near sighted
everything from afar seems blurred and people seem to be
masses of motion in huddled crowds

he can see things up close
everything that's five feet in front gets noticed
i guess that why he never noticed me until i popped up on his phone screen
admiring from the mass of motion that he can't see

it's so easy
to fake a smile with him
i'll give him the signature "i'm dying inside and these tears aren't because i'm tired but look at these pearly whites" smile
and he'll belive it, but only because he can't really see  the falters in it

he's so pure
so golden
it makes me scared to hold
his hand because i wouldn't want to turn that gold black
or the diamond into coal
i'm scared he'll run if he ever saw my cold beating heart

he laughs when i shake, he jokes that i'm always cold
i mean what else would he think, i don't "look like someone with anxiety"
he thinks it's cute when i get all lustered and when my mind runs a mile a minute and that i worry consistently
but he doesn't know that these tendencies are due to the constant churing of gears in my head, working overtime and constantly leaking oil out
a working machine of overthinking

he doesn't know all of what makes me.. me
every flaw
every diagnosis
every scar
every puzzle piece  
every event
nor does he have to
he'll learn as time goes by
but for now he can think that i'm fine

Sometimes in life.
I wish I could log out.
Lay low for away.
Be forgotten for a few, days, months.
Years.

You saw me naked.
Not without clothes, but without my wall.
The 10 foot, steel reinforced, wall around my heart.
You broke in, brick by brick.
And I let you, I let you see me vulnerable.
Forgetting what others had done to me when they saw me the same.
I wish I could say you were different.
But, you saw me naked.
And you laughed, pointed out my insecurities, and broke me so much that I rebuilt my wall.
I rebuilt it higher and stronger than before.
Protecting my heart from so called love.
You also saw me without clothes.
Burned your touch into my skin.
Whispered sweet nothings into my ear, and that's just what they meant.
Nothing.
I can't look at my body without thinking about you.
Because, you saw me naked.
Defenseless and with open arms.
I shouldn't have trusted you.
But I did anyway.
I thought that since you had a wall to we would be amazing together.
But.
I never saw you naked.

the flowers that
once bloomed in
my mind because
of you are now
dead and withered

i feel sick to my stomach
three weeks in and there's already something

you wanna slow things down
but i'm already in the fast lane and no one's moving over on the highway to let me change

let's not hold hands
but we still can
make out on crumpled bed sheets

i wanna redirect my attention
but it's all yours
when i'm ripping off your clothes

you made me feel like a friend today
worse actually
more like a walking "use me" sign

i didn't answer for hours
and not even an "are you okay?"

i told you today was weird
you didn't seem to care to ask why

i don't know what's running through your head
but i know what's running through mine

not again not again not again
please be different
please don't be like the last guy

you have more of a foothold to hurt me
baby please don't change your mind
we're three weeks in, there's so much more to go
please honey, you've already got me on hands and knees
begging for mercy
please. don't make me cry
like all those other guys.