I hate the way your eyes used to twinkle
When I finally looked up at you from my books
I wish I had stuck to my plan;
    To pretend like I didn't care about you
I hate the way your hair was so soft
And I hate that stupid scruff,
It used to make me crumble in your hands
I hate the way your lips would quirk up
   on the left side first,
Then slowly on the right
I hate that I know how your lips feel
When they were against mine
or the way that you couldn't stop smiling long enough,
to meet the demands of my own mouth
I hate that I didn't hate that at all

I hate that the way you look at me now,
It isn't at all like the way you looked at me before;
Like I meant something,
like I was something you were determined to discover
And make your own
I hate that when you look at me now,
My face pales and tears immediately spring to my eyes
I hate that I used to have butterflies at the sight of you,
Now, it’s like the butterflies are there,
But they’re dead and make me want to hurl

I hate that when you see me,
Your face,
It’s like I physically punched you
   Again
I’d be lying if I said that I still didn't see the way your eyes get darker,
But it’s not like before, when they were happy
  So happy
Now, they darken with sadness and pity,
I’m sure there’s disappointment mixed in there,
But you and I both know, I run as soon as I see you,
And I’ll never get to see how far the disappointment goes
   Does it make your eyes flame like when you’re mad or make them dull like when you’re sad?

I hate that when you see me in the halls,
You stop
And I hate that I ruin your conversations just with my presence
I hate that you don’t look at me with anger
   Because that would be easy
I hate that I have to force myself to look at you with anger
I hate that you finally listened to me
    For once
You finally believed me when I said that I hated you

I hate the way that your side looks empty without me
I hate that I notice how you’re constantly looking around,
Like you used to for me,
  Because you know I don’t like crowds
I hate that I like to think that you’re looking for me,
And not just looking at your surroundings
I hate how I still order extra fries because you’d eat mine
  And the extras
I hate how you share that stupid smirk,
The one I thought was solely reserved for me,
And I’ll admit,
I miss how it’s not directed at me
And that I never get to hear your smart-*** remarks
   Ones that always left my cheeks red

I hate how your voice carries when you talk,
And how it could put babies to sleep or used for *******,
Depending on your mood
I hate that I have to force myself to walk in the opposite direction
When I hear you talking to someone else
I hate how our persistent bickering doesn't even exist anymore
I hate that my mother still asks about you

I hate how I hate myself when I see you talking to girls
  Talking to her
I hate that I don’t have the right to be jealous anymore
   If I ever did, for that matter

I hate that I’m writing this because I couldn't sleep
Because I kept remember when you’d chase me around your house
Because you wanted to “check my vitals and see if I had suspicious lumps”
I hate that I wrote this because it made me smile
I hate that I chopped off my long hair,
  Because you always told me you loved it
I hate that I left a permanent mark on your perfect face
I hate that you know what I did at my lowest times
I hate that you still check my wrists, even from across the room
I hate that I hit you
I hate how you've moved on,
  but you still look lost

I hate that I’m probably making all of this up in my head;
Imagining that you might not hate me,
Even when I see the way you look at her now
It’s not how I remember you looking at me,
But it’s different,
Because that was me and this is her
I hate that I hate her for being my replacement
   Even though I was never really there to qualify as yours
I hate that I hate so much now
   I used to be Switzerland
      Now I’m more like Idaho
       It’s known for one thing and no one really wants to be there

I get it though,
Why you hate me,
  After all, I told you to
But for some reason,
I can’t make myself forget you
   Because I hate you
I don’t know,
Maybe it was the way you looked, like I'd put the marks on you,
Or maybe it was the way I keep hearing your voice crack in my ear,
           Why did you do this to yourself?
Maybe it was because I woke up shaking
And you were there to hold my hand,
And offer coffee at 4:30 in the morning
It was probably the way a tear rolled down your cheek
And your eyes filled with something that looked like fear and horror

I hate that I keep telling myself all these things to hate about you,
Just to keep myself from banging on your door on nights like these,
And beg for your smile to be turned in my direction,
Just once more
But I can’t do that
Because I can’t promise that my lowest point in life is over
I can’t promise that there won’t be more marks to make you cry
I can’t promise anything
I hate that you didn't get mad at me for hitting you  
    Repeatedly
In my sleep
I hate that you lied and said it was from your brother
I hate that I did that;
   Made you do things that’s not you
     Like lying

Look at me,
I’m writing this,
And it’s the biggest lie I've ever told
I keep writing though,
Trying to put reason behind me pushing you away,
And I guess the reason is that you, not only deserve better,
But you need to be with someone who knows how to love
And doesn't hate hugs
Or someone who likes movies

I can’t take it;
Your eyes not shining
I can’t take that from you,
Because that’s you, and what people love about you
Not just the way your eyes shine,
But what that means
    That— that shine—lets everyone that’s seen it , know that you care
I don't have that,
My eyes have dimmed because of this ****** hand that I was dealt
     And that's okay
      I've accepted it, but I can't trade cards with you anymore

So I will continue to ignore you in the hallways
I will continue to tell myself to hate you
I will continue to tell my heart to stop playing dead,
    because it still works around you
And I will continue to pretend like I don’t know you’re staring at me
Because you should be looking at her
   She’s like you
   Her eyes shine too
     They shine for you

I hate myself for doing things to make you hate me too,
But I can’t love you
  I know she does

Tell your her that I’m sorry,
Because she told me that in the middle of the night,
You reach for her,
But you say my name
Tell her I’m sorry
I unwillingly made her second place
Tell her, that even though I want to rip her perfect hair out,
She’s perfect for someone like you
She's perfect like you

I am not for you
And I'm sorry
The butterflies in my stomach are dead,
and I'm folding
I give up
There's no point in trying to force myself to hate you,
because I don't
I am the polar opposite of hating you
I can't keep playing,
You know my poker face,
And I can't let you see my cards ever again
     Never again
I am not for you
And this card game isn't for me either
     -{ksf}

I had three more days to live they said
I had to get my affairs in order they said
And say goodbye to my loved ones
Wait... loved ones?
I have no loved ones
Everyone I met along the way
Was pushed out of my life
By me..

You see I thought that they would be distractions
Obstacles in the way of my success
My mother always said
'Eliminate your distractions'
And that is just what I did

Now I'm successful, dying and alone
Where did my life lead to?
No one to share my joys with
But my pathetic dog that can't even walk right
My whole life was a waste
And I have only three days
To try and change that

i held your hand
as it grew cold

i looked into your eyes
as they dulled

i felt for your heart
as it stopped beating

i cried for your life
as you lost it.

In the middle of the night,
Picking fights with life
My hands, paralyzed
I can't unlock the door
No air coming through
My veins, closing in
Tears on my cheeks
Can't keep focus
Where's the door
and do I want to let you in
My vision, a blur
A voice in my head
Telling me I'm dead
A loud booming from somewhere
The door seems so far
I feel a wetness in my hair, on my body, everywhere
My heart, imploding
If only I could find the door
Find a light or let you in
The walls, they're closing in
No air
Your eyes, your hands, they won't go away
I'm stuck in place
Can't push you away
All I hear is a far away hammer
Eyes squeezed shut
Can't watch what happens next
My lungs, I feel them failing
From the screaming or from the bleeding
A clawing at my throat
Begging me for breath
The door isn't there
Where is the door
I can't die
My feet start kicking
There's a pain
Like electric and like a kick in the gut
No more kicking
My hands, still useless
My eyes see dots
Can't find air
Can't find the door
Your smile
Your face coming closer
Before everything goes red
Oh god I'm dying
Keep kicking
A swoosh of wind
Finally I feel the air
But I choke
Oh god he broke me
I hear over the booming
    it'll be okay, you don't have to stay
And I so I stop trying
There's no light
There is nothing

Tell me why the air feels thick,
Tell me why the trees seem to be crowding me,
Tell me why the floor is spinning,
Tell me why I can't breathe.

It's as though the air in my lungs has turned to liquid,
Like the oxygen in my blood is poison,
Like my breath is stagnant and stale,
Like there's to much wind for the sky.

The trees have moved closer together,
And no light can get through the leaves,
The road is dark and I can't find my way home,
And the air is too thick to breathe.

My anxiety makes the air in my lungs feel wrong,
Makes the shadows in the trees look worse than they seem,
Makes dark streets full of monsters,
Makes is hard for me to breathe.

Someone please tell me,
Why the air feels too thick,
And the trees are crowding around me.

Someone please tell me why I can't breathe.