The yellow aura
spiraled my night elf hunter avatar
as the DUN-DUMM
of false accommplishment
incited my addiction to
instant gratification.

I had just Leveled up.

The quest giver
gave me a choice

****** boots
Or
a less ****** Dagger

I took the ****** boots
because
**** the system
they looked cooler.

I was going to stomp cave spiders anyway,
what's the point of relinquishing
looking **** fine.
for an extra Attack Point?

****** Boots.

****** boots ALL Day long.

A naked human avatar
dances
facing a naked gnome
Named: "Buzz Lightyear"
He is Also dancing,
at crotch height.

This is Typical starting zone
foolery

I stayed up
watching Toonami all night
Naruto, Bleech, Inuyasha.
I could tell the sun came up
not because there was a window in my Kitchen,
there wasn't.

Tom and Jerry came on.
everyone knows
when Tom and Jerry came on
you were no longer pulling an
"all nighter."
You're pulling a
"Drink enough Soda
to get through the rest
of the day-er"

My entire diet
these past two days
has consisted of Gushers & Vault
because
Clearly Coca-Cola is superior
to Pepsi.

Therefore, Vault
was superior to Mountain Dew.
Which is the typical choice drink
of my internet brethren.

I don't know why I dyed my hair black nobody online could see it
But it made me feel
more
like my Night Elf Avatar

I wanted long white hair
I realized that's impossible
in 6th grade
So I Bought & Settled for Black
At least I could be like
"L" from death note,
Long sleeve white shirt, jeans
with no shoes.

I could also be
any other black-haired charecter
From any other angsty Anime
Because of course I loved angsty Anime
Because I held my cell phone like "L"
From Death Note.

I always dreamed
of this singing venus fly trap.

A Fuzzy Memory with a lost Origin
I realized seven years later
the Singing venus flytrap in my head
was AUDREY 2
from Little Shop Of Horrors.

Netflix reunited us in College
Audrey 2 finally Serenaded Me.
I listened with Voyeuristic Intentions
As memory saprilings grew
into the full songs
relieving the void in my soul
Lingering for a Man to be attacked
by a singing venus fly trap
in his own kitchen.

But only once,
Because I firmly beleived
movies should only be seen once
until I stopped
dyeing my hair black.
Despite watching Space jam
more times than any kid born in 1995 Should have
but still
all the kids born in 1995
watched space jam
more than any of them should have
because they were born in 1995.

Apparently
when I first saw little shop of horrors
it aired just before osmosis jones.

I love osmosis jones
almost as much as I love
Buzz lightyear, of Star Command

Buzz lightyears robot companion XR
reminded me of Cyberchase
and to this day Cyberchase
is the best show to watch
when you have no idea
who Gilbert Godfrey is.

Zoombinis is better
than oregon trail.
and also better
than Tom and Jerry.
but not better
than leveling my night elf Hunter.
Named:
"FEED ME A PIZZA!"

I think I spent more time
getting my Zoombinis
to look just right
then I Spent deciding
what outfit to wear

Routine
Black striped Hoodie
Unwashed and worn every day
Grey skulls all over it, because
of course it had grey skulls all over it.
Black pants.
Black socks
No actually, THESE black socks.
Okay, got gushers
and my Coca-Cola.

I now take as much time
to choose my outfit as
designing the perfect Zoombini.
however I have yet to replace
my legs
With
a skateboard.

I think that every grade before sixth grade is fourth grade
and 6th grade is basically 7th grade
which is to say my memory skips them both
to remember ending eighth grade

I miss being cool on the Internet
Whilst lame and forgotten in real life.

like black sock
wasn't quite as good
as that other Black sock.

I wanna go back.
To the seperation
Of who we pretend to be
Vs. who we actually are.
To be dramatic again.
incomparable.

An ideal self on the internet
Who is obviouslly not the real you
is decades more comforting
than Some Characatureized
Facebook Profile.

Today I was offered a choice

Work A minimum wage job
or
continue my useless college degree.

I decided to write a poem, because
**** the system.
If I am to Decide where to respawn from
Let it be poetry.

There is no spiraling Yellow aura
or DUN-DUMM

Sometimes there is snapping though.
Or a lost memory
of A singing venus Fly Trap.

I am a pretend person.
An avatar
just now, I have skin.
You can touch me
I breath without a Macro
or even pressing any keys.

I cannot bring myself to
Watch Space Jam again.
I can Identify Gilbert Godfrey's voice.
I will buy my children zoombinis
And it will collect dust
When all they want
Is to watch the fifth Toy Story movie
Way more than any kid born in 2020 should.
And all the kids born in 2020
Will Watch the fifth Toy Story Movie
Way more than they should
because they
will have been born
in 2020.

And I will rant
about the Missing LGM
and Warp Darkmatter
betraying Buzz Lightyear
By joining Evil Emperor Zurg
So Buzz was forced
to get three new Partners
Princess Mira Nova
Audrey 2
and Osmosis Jones.
because I will have Forgotten
Booster & XR.
Because Booster and XR
Never made a ******* Facebook Profile.

Nobody exists anymore.
We are all represented by our avatars
holding ourselfs up to the standards
of our photoshopped reflections

Being disappointed and overwhelmed

I Take pills to forget that I am
Acting Like myself
but can't find any evidence of Existing.
Besides these memories
of who i used to be.

I want my internet persona
to be nothing like me
So that I may focus on myself
in the real world coherently.

I want thick black lines
dividing mental Venn diagrams

I want Tom and Jerry
To signal me
That it is morning, again.

In response to the text: "who wants to get ******* this weekend?"
I reply: I'll bring donuts, Gatorade, and Cards Against Humanity.
I tell the girls that the snacks are for them, so they don't get too drunk or hungover.
But really I know myself too well, and I binge when I feel lonely.
Its hard not to feel lonely, when you're the only sober one there.

At the Party:

Never Have I Ever reveals more than I ever thought it would.
I might be the oldest, but I am by no means the most mature.
Things I have never heard of, things I could have never thought of are things of which they speak.
Two donuts are gone.

Their alarms all go off at 10:00 for birth control. They take out their mini purse packs of 30 pills, no bigger than a credit card.

I don't take birth control, because my periods are regular, and well:

Depression+antidepressants+confusion of sexuality= no *** drive at all.
I mean zip, zero, nothing.

Leaving me to be the only ****** of the six girls here.
Three donuts are gone.

Hours ago though, I took my 300mg of Seroquel XR.
I timed it just right.
This time I won't fall asleep hours before everyone else

'Pong' requires drinking so I sit their and watch.
Four donuts are gone

Shots are taken.
I pour more tea into my mug.
Five Donuts are Gone

Drunk face-timing old friends who have moved away results in much yelling, and her hanging up.
I start a new group text where I talk only to myself.
All Donuts are gone

*There is no wonder why alcohol and depression don't mix

there it goes, no
where,
we watch it go there, one
footed and half-hearted
a piece we liked
to think we'd never see again.
no, we don't need it, still
narrow minded, trailing
slow, breathing shallow
amphetamines
a substitute for blood
a glimpse appears vaguely, only
to be undone immediately

for all that used
to be leaves me
I turn to go each time
you leave me
still I stand like stone
believe me

I am naught but a twig
In the mouth of a pit bull
Clenched between wet jowls
Doom, impending.
I tried it my way,
took my own chances
Bloodied my fingers
and my lungs.
Smoked and drank
more then I ate
and I ate a lot.
Now I drink from a different bottle
This one filled with
soothing emptiness,
In peach-colored capsules.

I’ve a general practitioner, a psychiatrist and a psychologist
(who’s leaving but I’ll panic about that later)

I’m on 4 different psych meds

Adderall, XR 25mg P.O.
(So I can be motivated, focus and concentrate), Daily

Klonopin, 0.5mg P.O.
(For panic attacks, social anxiety, generalized anxiety), As needed

(Translation:Constantly)

Buspirone, 10mg P.O. (For depression and generalized anxiety),
3 times daily – Useless

Remeron, 15mg P.O. (For depression, anxiety and insomnia),
Daily, at night – Only helps you sleep

Even with all that, I can barely get out of bed in the morning,
coffee’s no help

I can’t really sleep much, waking times a night,
sleeping restlessly if at all

Going to class is a nerve wracking nightmare – as is going out –
but I do it anyways

A panic attack surrounded by people is better than
solitary madness and cabin fever

Like a slave, to a handful of bitter little pills just barely keeping you afloat, unable to hack it alone

While everyone else seemingly can push on through life without them

Falling behind, despite the stupid little pills

Watching as the world goes on around you, spinning sickeningly

While you wish desperately to be normal,
with a million colliding thoughts in your head

Pharmaceutical angels hover
in the space above my sleeping head
chanting slogans
they have been paid
to whisper in my ear.

“Keep it clean with Terbenafine.”
“You can fly on Abilify.”
“Everyone’s lean on Levothyroxine.”
“Go on a roll with Anastrazole.”
“You’ll get a thrill from Lisinopril.”
“There ain’t no reputin’ the bliss of Welbutrin.”
“Don’t be a geek. Take Pristiq.”
“Go far on Adderall XR.”
“if you want to rate, take Cypionate.”

I wake with a jolt
the neurons of my prefrontal cortex
already firing like machine guns of craving
for the treasure in my medicine chest
and I know everything is going to be fine,
just fine.

Monday:

The text said "who wants to get ******* this weekend?"
Life *****, as it always does,
but really its only Monday!

Tuesday:

I get assigned designated driver, but its not like we are

A. going anywhere
              or
B. I have any other choice

You know its dangerous to mix anti-depressants with alcohol?
And isn't the point of these pills, not to depress myself further, as alcohol has always seemed to do for everyone else?
Isn't that why they like it?
Because they feel numb?
I don't understand why anyone would want to be numb.
Maybe it feels good if its only for a little while.
Not for me though.
For me the numbness doesn't come in a bottle.
It comes in reflective surfaces, and anxieties, and sharp objects.
I cannot choose when to turn it on or off.
It just comes and goes as it wishes, as if I were a house and numbness called me home.

Wednesday:

The group message alerts are buzzing like their is no tomorrow.
Plans for where to go keep falling through.
But don't worry, the dead alcoholic's ex-wife and daughter are okay with hosting an underage drinking party.
And this is why I wonder about humanity.

Thursday:

We will all gather at that one girls house.
Everyone will bring alcohol.
I will bring donuts, Gatorade, and Cards Against Humanity.
I tell the girls that the snacks are for them, so they don't get too drunk or hungover.
But really I know myself too well, and I binge when I feel lonely.
Its hard not to feel lonely, when you're the only sober one there.

Friday:

They talk about this past year.
It was their freshman year of college.
I remember mine. Two years ago now. Time sure does fly.
We all talk about sophomore year.
I'll be back their again too... I hope.
You see, suicidal ideations don't usually help when trying to complete classes.  

Saturday:

Never Have I Ever  reveals more than I ever thought it would.
I might be the oldest, but I am by no means the most mature.
Things I have never heard of, things I could have never thought of are things of which they speak.
Two donuts are gone.

Their alarms all go off at 10:00 for birth control. They take out their mini purse packs of 30 pills, no bigger than a credit card.

I don't take birth control, because my periods are regular, and well:

Depression+antidepressants+confusion of sexuality= no *** drive at all.
I mean zip, zero, nothing.

Leaving me to be the only ****** of the six girls here.
Three donuts are gone.

Hours ago though, I took my 300mg of Seroquel XR.
I timed it just right.
This time I won't fall asleep hours before everyone else

'Pong' requires drinking so I sit their and watch.
Four donuts are gone

Shots are taken.
I pour more tea into my mug.
Five Donuts are Gone

Drunk face-timing old friends who have moved away results in much yelling, and her hanging up.
I start a new group text where I talk only to myself.
All Donuts are gone

*There is no wonder why alcohol and depression don't mix

I'm not afraid of the dark anymore and it could be because of this heavy medication or it could be the way the trees look like the most beautiful people I know and they shake and they droop like the way you do when you're alone with me and they tell me secrets like you did that night when I stayed to make sure you'd be okay and you survived that night because I held you and I've never felt so important as I do when you say you need me I've never felt so glad that the quivering willows remind me of her too long fingers and they graze the ground like they once did to my face I've never known that a tree full of leaves could be as wonderful as the spindly bones of bark in winter that remind me of the hollowness I've known until I felt the strength of your torso keeping me from stumbling to the ground and doing the no good messy thing that trees are incapable of. And I'm not afraid of the dark anymore because I have a purpose.

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Before:
Popping pills, crying over repulsing choices, murdering any feelings of remorse. Despising the conditions of living, conditionally adoring whatever roommate existed at the time. Breaking the vows I took with myself. Listening to the echos of my demons in the walls and windows. My curtains cover all responsibility to world and allow me to be miserable, which I’m impeccably grateful for. Terrified, of what will happen next. Whether it be death, overdose, or psychiatric institutionalization, I don’t want it to happen.
During:
I gave my friend $40 worth of ****, for 10, 25mg Adderall XR pills. I got home and started breaking them apart. I was separating the casing from the stimulant part (small beads to snort.) I then smoked 2 blunts and downed 8 key-sized scoops of Adderall. Which totaled to 6 pills. And then I started to not feel good, like I overdosed. So I messaged a friend hoping she’d know what to do. Well, she called the police. Once I heard the sirens, I ran to the bathroom and snorted the rest of whatever was left. I went to the E.R, was hospitalized for an overdose, and was evicted the morning I came back.
After:
Green grass, gray kitten, millions on millions of art supplies and a dreamy relationship with livelihood. A place of my own exists downstairs and I coexist with others. I cry less often that I need to, and I’m learning to see the beauty in absolutely everything. Coffee tastes best with a 1/2 teaspoon of sugar, some whole milk, and a bit of pumpkin spice seasoning. It tastes like fall in a cup and in the spring, it’s the best thing ever. I look outdoors while my eyes glaze upon the curious chickens, demented ducks, and beautiful Bella the German Shepard. I drive to places every now and then, and it always sparks joy. I’m no longer eating whole pizzas and 2 liter’s of soda. I’m running after toddlers and building fires, I’m playing with cats and eating Nutella on graham crackers. I’m okay. Things aren’t perfect. But it’s new. It’s a fresh start.