Should be using this pilfered and minimal wifi
and, man, it seems that time does fly...
while I'm procrasti-time-wasting reading bad (well, most of it) poetry.
You see I'm used to feeling like I've missed the boat
and shown my hand and slit my own **** throat...
"It's his own fault."
How terrifying and amazing (faux)freedom is...
blood and water and choices.
Life is frosted and sort of sleeping
but not shivering
enduring.
It's too bad I identify with the grasshopper more than the ant.
I can't be bothered with preparation
because Right Now.
Right Now is full of hows and whys and whens
and so many that depend
upon shoulds and coulds and ifs
and I-need-to-make-a-lists.
It seems that I prefer the anxiety of what could be
to what is.
Control freak.
Sitting here, with my cold nose and sore bones
and more than my usual non-layer of clothes
with two very interesting up-past-their-bedtime individuals
there is no regret.
It is, and it isn't, over yet.
Supposing pity isn't the word choice,
how else would you say, "I feel for you,"
without that voice?
And even saying it is a choice I'd rather not make.
That's the thing about leaving the cage and toeing the line and finding the road...
there is no map.
You can either enjoy the journey
or feel like, "It's a trap."

Shoulds
Have horns
And ram reindeer with
Thistle bush antlers

I grow
From the seeds of others
Leaf green
As lilac winter tells me.

And the advice of others
Protects
Culpability from
The mouth of a sweet whisper.

Shoulds
Grow fangs
And live in dark forests
I know this to be their opinion.

I live
Longer longings
I rise
With every new day

And they, are still there
Dressed in soft leather,
Stirring teas and
Ready to tell me paths ahead

Predicting the worst weather
Without knowing the storm
They condone.
Advice.

sometimes,
The music is just too **** loud
But we know the silence would be louder.
Because its not really silence,
We like to think it is,
But weve filled it with silent shouts
Cries for help
Proclamations of faith
Admirations of beauty
We have filled it with violent yelling
About realities that should not be
Say we should not suffer
No one should suffer; We
Fill the nothing with shoulds and woulds
A reality in which nothing is as it should be
And everyone would be happy if only-
We create a world in which no one is happy
Yet everyone wants to be
So we walked around seeing
Darkened hues, blacks and blues,
Bruises and scars from scarier times
When we didnt know we were going to make it
We pretended like we were.
But here we are now still not convinced
Did all of me make it
Or did I leave something behind
Because in the fantastically human reality
Of shoulds and woulds and shouting
Who are we to say who we are
When we cant even stand the music?

She is a natural disaster
confused and misunderstood
waiting on the promise you made
to help clear up
the hurricanes, tsunamis,
forest fires, the floods,
the self doubt, the grief,
the regrets, the 'shoulds'.
she is a natural disaster.
and you promised you'd be there after
to pick up the debris and aftermath,
to sweep away, the damage, the ash,
to help her dig amongst the rubble
and find and rediscover her smile, her laugh
to help her decipher between the
good and the trash
to help her crumble and then reconstruct
to help her rebuild
stronger foundations
than those laid
in her childhood.

I should have held on to you longer in those fleeting moments.
Not pushing you away because of the fear I felt in my heart.
When I kissed you it should have been slower.
Deeper with each breath so that I could hold on to the electric feeling that surges between us when we have the slightest touch.
I should stop and chat with you longer when you probe into how I am doing when you see me.
You still know when I am putting on a front to the world with fancy hair and made up face.
You see it in my eyes and that is something that can't be hidden from those who have held your heart in their hands gently.
Closing up the wounds with soothing word bandages and healing love stitches.
I shouldn't tell you no when you say you want to see me or just need someone to talk to in the middle of the night.
I don't sleep after I tell you no because my mind wanders to the what ifs.
I should look you in the eye and memorize the planes of that face that lights up the darkness in my soul with each smirk and smile.

Next time we have a moment I will take all the advantages that I can.
If it be conversation, I will hold on to every word you say as if they were the oxygen needed to breathe.  
If it be touch, I will let that touch linger past socially accepted confines.
If it be kiss, I will taste that kiss as if it were the best thing I had ever eaten in my life.
And if it be rekindled love, I will hold out my heart to you willingly, taking and giving much more than I did before.
I will continue to be more accepting to your advances and not confuse you with my nerves.

I don't want to be depressed anymore.
The shoulds and woulds
All wrapped up in why did he
And how could she.
Eating slowly at the bonds I've formed
With people.
Human beings that are doing their best
But never good enough for me,
For perfection.
I'd rather be dead.

I don't want to be upset anymore
With the strangers on the bus
In their garb of business and ***
That they speak with boisterous joy
They should be considerate of me
And speak louder to drown out my thoughts.
Maybe I could drown them out on my own.

I want to be content
Because I want to do the dishes and use them
I want to ***** the floors and wash them again,
I want to see the beauty in a teapot and the joy in a
soft pillow
To see what it is to comfort a weathered soul.
I want to uphold routine.

I want to be happy
Because I love to feel alive
And I love to feel in love.
I love to love you and I want to do that for me
And maybe you'll do it for you too.
I want to sit with you in silence
And discuss soda in the coffee shop,
I want to look at you and cry
In gratitude
The only thing I can feel for you
And I know I will.

I want to live a life,
Because I want to be alive.

elephants stomping on my head
laugh as they draw blood
fragmented ideals scatter in the wind
as trampled dreams mix with dust

cemented in 'supposed to'
hiding behind other people's 'shoulds'
jackhammer disappointment
crushes bones with broken boundaries

play me a song
to make it look pretty
and I'll pretend to dance
with you in foggy yesterday's

karaoke soundtracks
to a stranger's tears
that leave the heart blind
tripping acid just to see in forgotten colors

breathing bacteria
from the soles of shoes
wiped on my forehead
as they said, 'hello'

a mosaic of skull puzzles
grouted in the remnants of the ****
left behind as everyone
just walks away

shadows smell clean in dark corners
where colors are left to die
in clouds of expectation
leaving truth buried in the ruble

...of who they thought I was

Did you think about me
When you walked into the woods
Did you think about your family
Or only of the shoulds?

Knife in your hand
Did you think about how life isn't fair?
Ready to take your stand
Did you not think your kids would care?

Blade to your stomach
Did you feel the pain?
Already making your summit
Was my love just in vain?

Blade to your chest
Did you stutter at all?
Did you realize you were committing theft?
Then you began to fall

Blade to your wrist
Did your life flash before your eyes?
Not even for a split
Second, did you think about how we would cry?

Blade to your neck
How did you do it?
You turned our lives awreck
Then you made the final slit

As you laid on the ground
As your blood soaked that leaf
Did you make a final sound?
Or were you content with your relief?

As we searched in the woods
We prayed for you
And we thought of the coulds
Our heart turned blue

Then we got the news
They found your body
People began to accuse
Us of your death, oddly

Time went by
And our grief remained
Now we look to the sky
Whenever you are named