In the cold winter greyness, by the whipping leaning willow,
I gently throw my heart in the stream and watch it sink.

Through the waving naked branches, the stuttering wind goes
plunging lullabies in the dormant numbness of the river.

Aside the howling wandering world, the selfmade outcast departs
choosing dissoluteness in the watercoloured light of love.

The river flows hiding its depth, its surface keeps trace of nothing.
In the thick mistiness of life, to impossibly love breathlessly.

Your love touched trauma
as my body shuddered.
Tension released
tears poured out as I wept in silence
as I wept in darkness
as I wept, a master of deception
My pain stayed outside your awareness
Your hands across my chest
created an image
of a baby being dried after taking a bath
both of your hands were enough to grab my torso
and I became painfully aware of how feeble I am
weak and dependent
Harsh thoughts, pethetic
somewhere, somehow seeking redemption
while there is nothing to redeem
my challenge lies in acceptance

A path my mind created to stray
A path my mind created to survive
Acceptence for me will be the end of me
this me, fitted to survive in a world no longer this world
but the previous one, another reality
that has been explored and discovered.
But just like this world and the previous one
I always defy the reality that I see
Because the reality that I see doesn't coincide with
what's inside this core of me.
This core of me desperately trying to break loose
in this pethetic shell,
I WANNA BE MYSELF, YET I'M STUCK IN THIS SELFMADE PRISON, IT'S HELL
YET I AM THE WARDEN, THE GUARD AND THE GUY DROPPING
THE SOAP.
I HOLD THE ******* KEYS YET I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO
ALL I CAN DO NOW IS SIT BEHIND MY DESK, ROLL ONE UP
AND TAKE A ****.. so...
I don't have a ******* answer, I simply don't know.

Sometimes when I'm all alone,
I listen to my favourite song,
I close my eyes,
I get lost inside,
Inside my mind,
Inside my fantasies,
Inside my dreams.

I feel safe there,
It's my safe place.

In my safe place,
I find hope,
I restore my energy,
I patch my all so broken heart,
I find peace,
I smile,
I'm happy,
I'm myself...

Then reality kicks in,
Troubles,
Stress and worries,
Toxic people and environments,
Hopelessness,
Loss of faith,
Discouragment,
Sadness,
Hatred and guilt.

Guilt of everything I want to do,
But never do.
Everything I feel,
But never show.
Everything I dream for,
But never reach for.
Everything that's me,
That I suppress.
Everything I like,
That I replace.

All that I am,
Is living a lie,
Trying to get by,
Like everyone else,
Just to survive,
But never to live,
Because I'm afraid,
Of the thrill.

But more than all,
I am afraid of you,
Your judgement,
And your hatred.
You scare me more than a life not mine.
You scare me so much my life is yours.

That's the saddest part,
All my life I have been wanting to break out of my shell,
And all my life you are the one who keeps me inside it.
I let you control me,
When I should be controlling myself.
I let you decide my destiny,
Because I'm afraid to fight back.
You are my biggest fear of them all.
It's you I hate and you I have to impress.

I want to break free and just be me.
See what I can be,
Control my own destiny.
I'm lost within my own chains,
In my own selfmade prison,
I let you imprison me,
Because I'm too afraid to try.
Someone set me free,
Someone show me how.

What is my life worth if it's not lived?
What is my life worth if my soul's already dead?
What is my life worth if it's not owned by me?
What is my life worth when I don't let myself be free?

I need to set myself free.
Help me set myself free.

Not allowed to have feelings whatsoever
She traps her pain behind stormy
Rainy weather
She lies awake at night
With tears in her eyes
Its not the dreams its reality that keeps her awake
The fear of waking up
In a world that's all too ****** up
This is the life
Of a forbidden child
Trapped inside a mind cage
Her thoughts feeling her with rage
She cant sleep
In these selfmade walls she has no release
So she sits and cries in the dark
A million worlds
A million worlds apart
The life of a forbidden child living but dying
All the while
Will someone save her
I think not
They'll let her die
They'll let her rot
Save her
Shes falling
Tear stained face
Shes such a disgrace
At least thats what mom says
SHes the mistake
She wasnt supposed to be here
I didnt use protection
She wont get my affection
The forbidden child dies
Her heart burst from lies
The demons drain from her head
The poor girl is dead.
But she's still breathing........

Heart bearing the pain of a selfmade thorns tag with regret
Mind blaming each and every second boxing itself
Body left with all kind of anxiety chemicals
And then they said " it's okay to be not okay"

I mean...
What kind of **** is it?
I am not okay facing this stuff
I am not okay even if everything happened because of me
& I am enough with this quote

Now let's say
It's not okay to be not okay
It's not okay to be not okay
Because it is bleeding not knowing how to get wounded
I just need to heal
It's not okay to not okay
Cause we live only once in this life
And only way to live is to smile

Life gives us lots of trauma
Just to remind the passed out good day
So instead of suffering in that trauma
Let's have smile and face it
As someone said
"Nothing is permanent in this world"