Behind these stone cold eyes of grey
Is a companion loyal come what may
Through the night and through day
Loyalty forbidden to go astray

Behind this unreadable ****** expression
Is a heart sculpted in unlikely fashion
Ready to love with blissful abandon
Ready to hate with gruesome passion

Behind this queer nonchalant flamboyance
Is a very well hidden calculative spirit
Very unwilling to leave life to chance
But very willing to cross the sky limit

The city, alive
feel
the beat of its
pulsing heart
in your hands
inhale
the air it breathes;
it heaves
abandoned desires
melancholy sighs

immerse
yourself into its
hollowed alleyways
concealed by
shadows of
wandering footsteps
trace
crevices of
every brick
a canvas for
misguided souls
who live for
art and cigarettes.

The city, alive
deceit lies
in calculative eyes
designed to
lure you in
with every blink.

I fell in love with you.
The time before I knew you feels oddly incomplete
Like the universe has been conspiring
My every step so that I would take the paths leading to you.
I think I knew my entire life
That one day that I would be by your side
Laughing, smiling and inevitably falling.
I knew because you were the one in my dreams. I realize now that
You were the reason why my bones kept tingling and wouldn't settle.

I want you to know that girls like me
Are cautious and afraid to fall in love for the first time.
Girls like me are calculative and hesitant
Because we are too afraid to pay for our mistakes;
We were taught that we are only made of our successes
And that every failure will become a hidden scar
We must be careful to never repeat.
But you came and made me reckless;
I made my decisions blindly and allowed myself
To forget about everything else in the world except you.
I’d trip racing to fall asleep each night just to see you the next day,
All I’d eat was your attention to feed the butterflies in my stomach,
And all I could see were the moments we had and the future we could write.
And even when the scars became so many
That they could no longer be hidden under my clothes
I kept falling deeper and deeper in love you with.
I decided that the pain wasn’t at all bad,
That the wounds were worth every moment of your friendship.

I am envious of the me in another world who was led to you
And who is free to keep loving you, but
It gives me a grain of comfort knowing that somewhere else
You and I are happily listening to our favorite songs
On a rainy Thursday evening, happily and forever in love.
But in this world, it will only be me who falls
So painfully and deeply and foolishly and madly
And beautifully
In love with you.

I plunge my fists deep into the cavity beside your heart
oh then I scream as thou pristine hands are painted red, for
my knowledge's a disposition, my loving's an addiction,
I may be tightly knit but my mind's fraying at the edge,

I felt myself caring, when I thought it no longer could be
my warped obsession with you
gave me something to think about, and queerly set me free -

alas my pastimes remained
a quandary to the twisted and deranged
through the eyes of a calculative Psychopath
I am cursed to forever see,

yes I know what to feel, I know what to say
but don't be fooled, I'm a living masquerade and I care not for you in any way -

oh I'll buy you a coffee, take you to a room and please you there -
but then the twitches start, as I rip the sultry fabric
from your skin, grab handfuls of your velveteen hair,

oh you'll be petrified, you'll freeze
as I finally unveil the insanity that I strive to appease -
in full swing and oblivious to the pain
revelling in the serendipity that is my disease

I'll take you for all you are, and all your worth,
then I'll swiftly **** you
and leave your body bleeding upon the hearth -

strolling casually into the dying sun,

smiling as the day collapses and begins to fold -

a horrific sight enough

to make one's blood run cold.

I find it disturbing that,
When God created man,
The wise Lord gave us Maths.
But we became calculative and used it to keep tabs.

He also gave us Languages,
But we too found ways to be ****** and rude.

Strangely, he gave us Science,
Thinking that it would improve our world,
But all we did, was try to disprove him.

Oddly, he created Technology,
For awhile, that worked well,
But even with that,
It now tries to replaces the very humans that he created,
With scraps of metal.

Are we truly on a one way street to destruction?
Why...

My heart aches a thousand times more
Each time my mind wanders.
It is the voices that rage me.
I hold my chair tight till it tattoos marks on my palm.

Because of you, because of your *****,
Your *******, *******, worshipping the ******* blue ******,
You have made me so jaded.

The naivete that I carried on my sleeve,
The sweet innocence looking forward to wonderful,
The trust I invested in total strangers,
The belief that there was good in every mankind,
All lies. I am now blinded by brutality and deceit.
I lost trust and I lost God. Both never existed.

How manipulative, calculative you were.
Not to mention your sister-*****, who later became your own concubine,
How she'd tricked me, lured me into believing every move.
I nodded, smiled and laughed along with the deceit.
All along a big *** knife was ****** into my back.

Who knew backstabbing was your favourite sport.

Shalini Nayar
© 2005