Didn’t sleep much last night
I was admiring the thunder
Focusing on the rain getting louder and louder
Marveled at the sky while it was changing color
I stayed up until 4am last night
Just to watch the overly dramatic lightning strike
Watching it burn on the sky almost like it was able to write.
Woke up at 7:18 exactly
Just to keep admiring
My old friend the rain
Letting me open up
Transforming its iridescent water drops into obscure showers of pain.
My lonely friend who always comes back,
Lets me choose its next move
Makes me forget the meaning of sad
While I make the new purple-black sky forget about that peaceful blue

I lock myself into a room
I fall to the ground
I can't breathe
I cant see
   everything is
                  b
                      l
                   u
                   r
                      r
                   y
my tears cover my eyes
I don't know why
but these panic attacks won't stop coming
and I don't know why

am I overthinking too much again?
has my depression come back?
am I all alone again?
do I miss him too much?

Am I healthy?
Me, the girl who stays up
Until 5:00 in the morning every day
Eats one square meal a day
The girl who can't help but feel
Like she was a mistake
Like she is alone
Like she isn't worth it
Like she was a mistake
A screwup
The girl who is plagued with anxiety
Every second of every day
Resulting in a stomach upset
And a head aching
The girl who had a panic attack
over nothing
but just the thought of existing

Am I healthy?
Yes
Say the people who gave me life
telling me I'm just overreacting
"you're fine" they say

I am so tired, every single day
I just want to live again