they say that a kiss is a form of surrender
for it is not the same as a wave, a high five, a shake of a hand, nor a hug
it is both a physical and emotional connection
whereas some people do it over a game of spin the bottle, kissing the next person the bottle points to
while others kiss and spare themselves from the alcohol induced intoxication, settling for a whole other level of intoxication brought on by another human being

it is different when you kiss someone for the sake of kissing them
it is almost a language, wherein it translates even some of your deepest thoughts to lower lip nibbles
your needs to the subtle exhales, breathy grunts

it is also awakening, as you come in for the kiss eyes closed but open upon separation to see and be faced with what you were just most vulnerable with
the reality hits you
you were within another's space, clenching on to their clothes as if for salvation, drawing them close as if they were to drift away like jack in the titanic

but then it doesn't take too long for you to go back in and feel that same rush
it is the rush of losing yourself and letting not just your lips but entire body be in the responsibility and confinement of the other
it does not bother you, or scare you, however
you feel almost woozy like experiences with alcohol, when in fact it is all from the kiss
you are more than willing to risk personal sobriety for this form of intoxication, even if it leaves you panting from the exhaustion and adrenaline afterwards

then it's your turn
when the other looks at you and waits
eyes tracing from the surface of hazel straight into the void of your soul
nothing is more audible than their breaths and the beats of their heart
with a voice so weak yet so eager
"just kiss me"
and then, they too, surrender

i hate airports
i hate the dull colors, the staff who do nothing but the usual routine
i hate the food, if that's any good
but most of all, i hate the idea of parting, the idea of saying goodbye
no matter how near or how far you may go, just knowing that you'll be away from my grasp is painful enough
i hate hearing the plans for your trip
seeing your bags packed in the living room, boxes set just for extra storage
i hate the feeling that something's missing in a home
the voices i once heard, the noise which i didn't mind
they all part on a stupid plane
i hate that "back to normal" air you leave behind
the ride going to the airport
please, just, i don't want to go but you asked me to
every time we inch closer to the airport, i look at you and i want to beg for you to stay but that won't do any good
not anymore, it never will
who am i to mess up your ticket and your flight, right?
the road signs that indicate how close we are
i don't wanna see them
but i have to
i wanna know how much time i have before you get on that plane
i can already imagine the ride back
in that ride alone, you've already left a big mark of your absence
i'd wonder why i could finally move my legs around
then i'll figure it's because your luggage is finally gone
even the seat you sat on is enough to get me to tears
anyway, please don't take photographs
i hate that too
please don't capture this moment where the minute you go in, it'll be the last i'll see of you, at least on the soil i stand on
don't give me a hug, for god's sake don't give me a hug
if anything, i might never let you go
it'll be a while before i get another one of your hugs, so please don't give me a hug
don't give me a hug just to let me feel the emptiness once you walk away
thing is, i'm not the only one feeling this sadness
right and left there are goodbyes
there are couples who are a few goodbyes away from a long distance relationship
there is a kid clinging to her dad's leg asking him to stay or take her along because he's working abroad
there are people sharing words to family members who live far away
there's so many people feeling the same but... why does it still hurt
"be good okay?"
i promise
"we'll call when we get there"
because we both know we won't be able to feel each other physically anymore
"don't cry"
just give me a second
"we'll be back soon"
don't give me this uncertainty
"bye"
don't say that
"bye"
please don't say that
"bye"
don't say that, it'll make me regret ever seeing you arrive in the first place
"bye"
don't say that...

i hate airports

the curtains rise and all i can think about are the rows of faces that i know nothing about and the pressure of putting on a good show
my body moves according to muscle memory as the music starts to play

don't miss your cue
don't miss your cue
don't miss your cue

i hit each note and beat as needed, but that's just the first scene
you come up on stage once again the same time i do
and you look at me the way you were instructed to do so

don't break character
don't break character
don't break character

i deliver the lines as i'd internalized for
but little do you know i'm dying inside
we're told to look eye to eye for this one song
and i slide my fingers through the spaces between yours

don't fall in love
don't fall in love
don't fall in love

i braced myself for the last few notes of the song, but i braced myself even more for the reality that is to come once the curtains come down

i approach you offstage with every intention to tell you what i feel
but i miss my cue

i put on a strong face to show i'm not hurting
but i break character

i told myself i wouldn't let my feelings get in the way
but i fell in love

some people ask me why you
why you of all people
i give them answers
but i am only entertained with more questions, as if i've never said anything
it then hits me that it's quite possible that only i can understand these things

apparently only i can understand that your presence is enough of a reason for me to keep living life the way it is
only i can understand that your smile is more than a gleam of light, it is hope that making people happy can go a long way
your smile is external and internal proof that i can actually be a good person

they'll never understand that i see your talent
they'll never understand that i see more than that

you're an amazing dancer, but they never got to see the passion that built the amazing dancer you are
they never saw you with sweat trickling down your face because you never got that one move down
they'll never see the times you strained yourself stretching to inhumane lengths just to achieve the acquired flexibility

and your voice
they hear it, they hear how beautifully you pull off each note
but will they ever hear the times your voice was hoarse and nearly a whisper
they'll never know how much water you had to take in for the sake of clearing up your throat

they'll never know the underlying struggles
i like you but not just because you are you
i like you for how you've become you
i like how you're not just someone
i like how you're a story

and if it all goes well
i hope you like me enough to include me in your story

i always thought angels wore white, had
wings, and had a clean reputation
but the one i saw wore plaid, and still managed to look breathtaking
she didn't have wings, but she dances in a way that lifts her off and back to earth with such ease
she's caused havoc here and there, but that's what makes her exciting

i've also thought heaven was a depiction of paradise
but anywhere feels like paradise when i'm with her

oh, wow, it's bright out today
there's color everywhere, people shining smiles at you as if you've known each other for years
somehow, you feel home
but do you remember what it was like in the dark?
or well, what it was like being in the closet?

the closet was a cold place where i was surrounded by the same four corners and in these four corners i had very little space to be the person i am
i try to stretch out but there's not enough room so i limit myself so as i'm not a problem
i limit myself so people don't have to take the time to build a bigger closet for me
i mean, if they're happy with the way the closet is why should they change it right
why would they waste time on something that they perceive as a mistake to society

the closet was a place that made me feel alone even though i was out in a crowd
it's like i see people but i can't act pass the limits that this closet provides for me
i try to break through this closet but this closet has long been under maintenance honey
one wrong move and this wood could crumble and people will look at you as if you were a joke

the closet didn't allow me full access to opening its door, or doors if that's the kind of closet you'd perceive
i'd open the tiniest little peek, and only a few people saw me open up that tiny space
they'd approach and wonder, but they approached me differently
i knew that no matter how beat up this closet was, they came with no harm and they'd even help keep this closet in tact as long as it's my safe space for the time being
i'd tell them how much i love the closet, and they'd tell me of the life outside it

the closet was a place that i considered a home while hiding from my family who called the closet names
they hated the closet, they'd rather have nothing to do with it
but like most people, why would they waste their time on a beat up closet

the closet was a place where i hid from the girl i liked knowing that she'd never like me back
it was where i could sulk for all the times i wish i could be the one she smiled at every single day
but for now all she sees a fabricated person hidden behind a beat up closet, and not me for me

but now i'm tired of the closet, it's boring, the wood is being chipped off, my friends who understand are waiting for me
the day came when i finally decided to step out of the closet
it was a slow process but i managed to pull through it
there were people who forced me back in but there were even more people who helped me step out
and looking back at that beat up closet, i decided to break it apart myself and it was the best i've ever felt in a long time

and i'm telling you, it really is bright out today
there's color everywhere, people shining smiles at you as if you've known each other for years
this, this is home
this is what i missed in the dark
this is my safe space

i'm facing my laptop right now
thinking how much i can put on this empty notepad note
i wanna see if i can fill it up to the point where the document'll be needing a scroll bar
i'm facing my laptop right now because i can't face myself
i can't face the fact that it has come to a certain point where lying to myself has reached a certain extreme
i can't face the fact that it might not just be liking you anymore
scary isn't it
but there must be some explain for all of this
how else can i explain the fact that i sometimes wish i got to see you more often
how else can i explain that i wish whenever i see you, i actually get the chance to hear you say "hello" first
or, maybe those times when i lay in my bed wondering what it'd be like if you were next to me
would my arms circle around you twice, are you a heavy sleeper, do you shuffle in your position more than once
all those stupid questions
oh, maybe you'd joke about how sleep is a rare occurence given your major... same goes for me i guess
it probably isn't just liking you anymore when i say that i want to be the one who makes you happy
i wanna see you smile and i wanna have that certain pride and, for joke's sake, have the bragging rights to have caused that smile
you're probably aware that you're beautiful
you say you're beautiful but along with that beauty you are equipped with a certain strength
and i appreciate that
i appreciate how you can stand alone, how you build yourself up to face the world the way you want to
it's probably rude of me, and not just liking you, when i ask if it would be okay if i joined you
i wouldn't mind telling you you're beautiful each day
i wouldn't mind telling the truth every single time
sometimes i see you and the words of how beautiful you are slip my breath without me knowing
it's probably rude of me to deny myself of these feelings
it's probably not just liking you when it comes to these feelings
it's probably enough that i have nothing but a notepad file to express these feelings
it's probably time that i faced myself rather than my laptop about these feelings
it's probably because i'm falling for you
and that sounds quite right