My doctor told me to find a more healthy way to release my stress.
She said that taking two hours to fall asleep every night was rather unhealthy.
So, she told me to come home and to write about the things that relax me.
Here we are.

Every day a thousand things run through my mind. I can't breathe because school sits on my shoulders. My job crushes me slowly and my family physically causes me pain. But through so many foggy images I can see you through them all.
I can reach out and almost touch you even when I am alone in my room and I cannot get up because the panic has literally crushed me.
You are there in the simplest way.
The few moments in my life when I think the only way out is to let the weight of the world crush me entirely I can feel you.
The times that everything is in pieces and I am vulnerable and on the floor of my bedroom sobbing, you happen to walk in.
You physically pick me up and you carry me to safety.
A bath and you will bathe me and you will hold me and I will collapse and you will support me.
You carry me to my bed and put on a vinyl and a candle and you clean my room because it being ***** stresses me out.
You turn the lights off and the fans on and you consume me in your warmth.
You kiss the demons away and you strip off the suffocating clothing on me.
You make love to me and you wipe away terrible tears and you drench me in your love.
The seconds become minutes and minutes are now hours and you spend what is almost days with me in my bed wrapping your body around mine.
I cannot breathe still but now it is the best kind of breathlessness. The kind that happens when you see heaven in the eyes of a human and your life is paused while you try to remember how it all happened.
I am crushed still but now with the weight of your love.
But there is no pain. None. Only the most beautiful feeling my small body has ever felt.
And in the moments of bedroom bliss I am free. I am free of those things that eat at me and those thoughts that stress me to tears.
With you I am free.

The sea fades into a well blended orange sun. the deepest blue stretching its fingers grabbing the horizon line. ripples in the waves of color they crash into stars. the explosion peaks behind the darkest of clouds. the sea is drowning the colors of love and turning them muddy. the ocean is wrapped in brilliance laughing at the unattentive ones. the sun dissapears. its warmth gone Texas is now the spring of bluebonnets and sweet air. the handprint of faith stretches across the sky i believe to be my open sea.

I am a true vagabond.
Flowing in and out of the moments presented with a fierce desire to absorb as much knowledge from every experience. I have taken a piece of every place with me and kept them all close at heart.
The night life of Vegas. The Heat from Tuscon. The Storms from Tempe. The Sunsets from San Antonio. The History from D.C. The Laziness of L.A. The snow from Denver. The Rose from Abileene. The pens from Dallas. The spirit of Austin. The smog from Houston.The frostbite from Grand Forks. The sand from San Diego. The trees from Alexandria. The Disney Magic from Orlando. The tornadoes from Pratville.
I have taken a piece of every state and city and absorbed its significance. The days fade into nights and I am somewhere new every time. I love the cities I have been too and the worlds that I have collided with.
I am a true Vagabond. Even if my home is here or there I am in spirit everywhere.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. - Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.
nov 1, 09
you had me standing with chattering teeth in the novemeber chill. the first time i had spoken to you in weeks. i was holding myself together so well. and then i broke. like you knew i would. hell we both knew it.
red box.hat.scent.shirts.skin.warmth.silence.depth.heart.wrecking.
we­re held to the touch of wrong. the sweet eyes of hidden truth. you have now set me up twice but i like being taken advantage of when its you taking.i am the perfect descripiton of your sweetest downfall, your only downfall.i want this all to come. come straight into me again like you always did. i mean i saw you smile when you wanted to walk away. but something in you made you stay.you could have broken my grip in half but instead you laughed at the jokes you wished you didnt have to hear. and i know this never happened. we never happened.ever. so im writing about a night that didnt exist.your hands slipping over skin.trembling under the brush of your hand.shaking all over like it was happening all over again.
“everything is so ****** up now. what do we have to lose now? everythings all ****** up.”
“am i just going crazy cuz i miss you?”-atmosphere.
i think you were impressed by the outcome of my words.

You never really know someone until you are laying in a bed with them around 2 in the morning lingering from a night of busy adventure.
Not just a regular night of adventure but one that has exhausted you and drained all of the energy you stored from the week.
A night that took you to new places in a city you thought you knew so well and forced you to revel in the beauty it holds.
A night that creates memories that stick to your soul and your skin more than anything.
As you ride home in the backseat and steal glances in the rear view you love the way the wind wraps your hair around you and the wind smells sweet.
Once you have dropped off everyone else and you move to the front seat you really start getting to know someone.
It's midnight and you are dozing off in the passengers seat hoping this person is noticing the moonlight on your skin.
You feel their presence wrap around you and all thoughts of logic are thrown out the window as you drive down the highway.
It's 1 am now and you are laying in bed wondering how you got to the point of skin wrapped around you and a scent taking over your memories.
The conversation is light because you feel the need to whisper as the moonlight pours into a room of heavy hearts.
Nothing has happened that wasn't anything more than a kiss but the idea is heavy in the air with the cool weather blowing in through an open window.
Eyes hang low and voices start to soften and hang with every sleepy word that falls from a mouth.
This is the point where you get to know someone.
The things they whisper about as their mind tries to escape to sleep but they push through.
How you have a beautiful family.
How I love living in the country.
How you enjoy math.
How I hate all numbers.
How you like to workout.
How I love cake.
How you belief in religion.
How I believe in everything.
How we would love to be part of the stars.
How we hate oxymorons.
It is the simplicity of a tired mind that brings about the most deep and beautiful ideas. They way your voice is deeper and mine is quieter.
I got to know you under the cloak of night and I got to keep you there for a while.

you keep on glowing
even when i close my eyes.
the darkest places-Gary michael.
I helped write the lyrics to a song about someone i hadn’t met yet. and now i realize that i wrote them about the one i would soon meet.
follow me here into the depths of the ocean where the waves collapse my lungs and retrieve my spirit. we were blessed with the simple knowing of our souls. they whispered at great lengths so far apart they heard one another. i saw you see me for all the heaviness i am. with such strength you pulled the weight and threw it away to the shore line hoping for high tide. it came at its own pace but it pulled away all it could and has left space for creativity. I see all peace in the sea within the arms of giant who beholds the means to repair all imperfections. solidify my concerns for drowning discomfort you have pushed me over the edge and thrown me a raft but missed because i must learn to swim. “Keep your head above the water” you’d shout from amidst the boat you have brought me in. so I kick and struggle and im drowning and your shouting “you must relax and see that i am seen and unseen in the eyes of the life that clings to the night in hopes to float to me in eloquent motions” so i close these horizon eyes and breathe out the fear of God. “to remember me in hatred is to remember me in love so remember me for indifference and you too shall float above” daysleeper has released the nervous tension and has given me the strength to be no other than a teacher and lost soul to the seed as it grows. i am rescued from the ocean and im soaking wet with emotion. my body is wrapped in the warmth of the savior i was threatened from. you have consumed me in your radiance where i will always stay and i love the way the ocean smells and you smell together as one. and once i woke from this dream it seemed that i had been breathing in and exhaling out the sweet sea and herbal tea.

equivacol memories of my past present and future
writing other peoples papers better than i can write my own.
music is my only vice on these cold days. These independent sounds breaking waves and my spirit.
being omnipotent in a fantasy world. learning to trust the ones i need. recognizing that need.
procrastinating my daily missunderstandings.
stalling to make imperative decisions, remembering undying affection for a persistant happiness that is impossible to reach. only to let that effort slip through those fingers of deception.
as i linger in and out of minds of those less deserving corrupted corrupted young souls. you're the only voice who's vibrations floating in and out of my atmosphere held any distinct significance.
idealistic reminders pushing our hearts. the ones we try so hard to ignore.
time was on our side and ironically we ran out. with ones heart in ones mouth you are spilling out secrets meant to be kept between you and no one but eternity.
the inconsiderate notions we carry are losing depth.
breaking glass into a million little pieces like those broken moments.
lets sit and decipher those indescribable images with mega pixels transfering what words cannot.
this is all what were avoiding.
skin secrets burning into my memory like affection. oh how dishonest our acquired tastes has grown.

have always fluttered into hearts with ease. Such elegant creations made from such a versatile canvas. Paper. A piece for the writer and a piece for the hands that can manipulate you into a beautiful form of art. Let me use my canvas to write about the way your hands work so steady and knowing. Every crease is pressed with ease and folds are done like a memory well worked. I watch you with a day floating through my head when the moonlight peaked through blinds and cranes were flying high above my head in a mess of dizzying confusion.

dear daysleeper,
hello September 3rd. i am apprehensive, i am disappointed.and im honestly sad. not because of you but because of how i feel. it comes in waves. the reminders of this day. maybe thats why i am sick today. to avoid seeing you and remembering.
so much wasted time, thinking.
never setting standards or making rules.
we just left didnt we?
not caring who saw or who got in the way.
nothing held us back..
except ourselves.
except me.
i was always afraid of heights.
you taught me that to learn to fly we needed to just jump..
from great heights,
and see where it goes.
no planning
no reason
other than to live.
but taking too many risks causes chaos.
to me, growing wings meant cutting my roots.
my deep, desperate, roots.
but you held me tight.
and there was trust.
then the rain came down.
we were so free.
flying high in dreams.
of monsters.
and sun.
we were so free.
yet we never left the neighborhood.
i always found a way there.
whether it be running my *** off or taking the bike.
i always found your heart.
i just never really opened it.
this …lock.
a lock of the welcoming past.
that smothered you.
that took too long.
too long for me to handle.
“your desire”.
what a joke.
talking and texting.
the addiction to your words.
killed me.
i was so convinced.
i am convinced.
that you love me.
are you done?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to fall..
the day before christmas-Andrew Isaac Gomez.

follow me here into the depths of the ocean where the waves collapse my lungs and retrieve my spirit. we were blessed with the simple knowing of our souls. they whispered at great lengths so far apart they heard one another. i saw you see me for all the heaviness i am. with such strength you pulled the weight and threw it away to the shore line hoping for high tide. it came at its own pace but it pulled away all it could and has left space for creativity. I see all peace in the sea within the arms of giant who beholds the means to repair all imperfections. solidify my concerns for drowning discomfort you have pushed me over the edge and thrown me a raft but missed because i must learn to swim. “Keep your head above the water” you’d shout from amidst the boat you have brought me in. so I kick and struggle and im drowning and your shouting “you must relax and see that i am seen and unseen in the eyes of the life that clings to the night in hopes to float to me in eloquent motions” so i close these horizon eyes and breathe out the fear of God. “to remember me in hatred is to remember me in love so remember me for indifference and you too shall float above” daysleeper has released the nervous tension and has given me the strength to be no other than a teacher and lost soul to the seed as it grows. i am rescued from the ocean and im soaking wet with emotion. my body is wrapped in the warmth of the savior i was threatened from. you have consumed me in your radiance where i will always stay and i love the way the ocean smells and you smell together as one. and once i woke from this dream it seemed that i had been breathing in and exhaling out the sweet sea and herbal tea.

I am the domesticated Daydreamer. finding simplicity in the beauty of all things. see through the natural lies and become one as we dwell in the sunrise. keep it light and enjoyable for the days are ours to consume.  find no need to pressure forth when this steady pace is mine to adjust. see life in the eyes of a tree so calm and strong these roots within me. enjoy the breaks with a book and some bark let the trees shade you from what has left you scarred. see the beauty inside an uneasy soul its ready to mold and from love be told the steps to happiness. this is the movement of eyes and hands grazing over the incomparable honesty of how the human being operates. skin to skin lips to lips we are just muscles and nerves ending where others muscles and nerves begin.

it was you.
our selfish tendencies create and everlasting attraction we refuse to face.
dec.18
cold mornings. a sun never rising to warm you up on these rainy days. your beating heart is inconsistent with the tempo of your words. distant reminders breaking sound waves of my “remember when” ideas. built of days when heat consumed our souls, the shade gave us privacy, and the cool air gave us peace.
all thats in your soul is now so desperatly clinging onto whats left of your heart. the beautiful part is washed away and hidden under your bed. hidden with the rest of your heart. the pieces that were so meaningful to me. nothing but another empty body for life. the life that that was offered to you is now bringing breath into other weightless hearts making them as heavy as ours. i wouldnt need you if i didnt love you so much. no one comes close to this confused mind. no one will ever come close. individuals we convince ourselves to be but would we be here lying to everyone if we were so independent? please dont repeat the processes of love with anyone as dishonest as your self.

Blame it on this inconsistent weather. The rumble of the thunder shakes this old southern countryside to its brink. It is the middle of the day and the sun is hiding beneath layers of heavy clouds waiting to empty themselves comfortably. The wind is gentle but still awakening the trees and it is cold enough to numb your thoughts. So I will sit out here with my skin exposed and let the air wrap around me and remind to feel.

i dont think
That i’ve ever loved you more than when you turned away. and walked out of my life. i never thought that this life was possible but the sound of your voice was my music. a pathetic poet sleeping away memories of better days in a sun bathed bed crying out brilliant ideas. ideas of humid air and sweet tanned skin radiating heat and pool water. simple kisses and rough sheet pulling. strong arms holding a temporary happiness. the words wrapping around intwined bodies. *** passing time proving love. opening eyes to monsters we cant run from.

Pushing bodies to walls wrapping legs around a waist pulling you into me nails scratching skin causing chills kissing tender warmth shaking innocense with each gasping breath taking love and turning it into ***** secrets holding back screams of honesty as his fingers ran all over steaming pleasure whispering the dirtiest truths in hungry eyes satisfaction running through every bone pain in all the right places. love in all the wrong ones.

Have never known such beauty until last night. Skin to skin our weighted bodies passed through a house with ease. Patrone stung the throats of eager souls trying to find themselves in the night. Shot glasses raised high above heads and my smile penetrated the darkness. **** hits and low hip dips we held the night in our hands. It was easy to get lost with those beautiful arms pulling you in a thousand directions. Hidden cool rooms and teens reaching their doom I was completely consumed. Pale skin and heavy laughter her arms held my dizzy head as always. She cooled me off and led me back to familiar arms. Side glances and smoke filled lungs I heard cinema by skrillex bumpin through me. That night dissolved into me.

I am the domesticated Daydreamer. finding simplicity in the beauty of all things. see through the natural lies and become one as we dwell in the sunrise. keep it light and enjoyable for the days are ours to consume.  find no need to pressure forth when this steady pace is mine to adjust. see life in the eyes of a tree so calm and strong these roots within me. enjoy the breaks with a book and some bark let the trees shade you from what has left you scarred. see the beauty inside an uneasy soul its ready to mold and from love be told the steps to happiness. this is the movement of eyes and hands grazing over the incomparable honesty of how the human being operates. skin to skin lips to lips we are just muscles and nerves ending where others muscles and nerves begin.

dreamlife preview
maybe i should just slip away
slip away for a few days.
wrap myself in an old t-shirt of yours
and lock all these opened doors.
open that box and let out all my lost thoughts.
attempt to get rid of that constant knot.
my god.
you drive me crazy.
you keep on glowing…
even when i…close my eyes.
you move in and out of my dreams.
you flow in and out of me.
i cant continue to believe
you dont love me.
even when i hide away i feel your light
filling up my lost nights.
my bed is holding tears of gathered fears.
it is getting so hard to pretend
that i have successfully been healed.
i close my eyes even in the dark and i fall.
i fall into every single phone call.
every single green lawn and blue sky
the heights were so so high.
hot wind and burning skin
exploding within my arms
you kept me from any harm.
we all have one thing that steals our words from our hearts.
you are my one thing.
my only thing.
every moment of every day
you are in my way
of moving forward.
my prize possesion.
causing confusion.
causing chaos in this mind.
i will never leave you behind.
always one addiction that i cannot control.
and it is taking a toll
on this youthfull soul
spilling sleepy lies into hungry eyes.

sleep in daysleeper
and enjoy the dreams of an uneasy soul. your restless spirit has turned my heart into a useless one. im taking this night to wash my life clean of your love. deep sleep. one night of easy unbothered sleep. and i will leave you in my dreams. where you belong. “always and forever” my heart will always welcome you home. but only my heart. my soul is tired of holding on so tight. february. it will NOT be memories of us. i will make new memories. better ones :) my life is oh so good. in someone elses arms <3 someone who WANTS me. and i want him. so dont wake up anytime soon. stay asleep and oblivious to my happiness. enjoy your dreams my daysleeper. ill meet you in that field of tall grass and YOUR corner. where ill be yours forever. in deep sleep dreams

has a knack for giving me the weather I need when I need it.
Let the thunder shake my soul, the lightning awake these tired senses, and let the rain consume me.

Silent air in loud mood the night is shaking in the lies of youth. The eyes move and the roles are played the truth is never made. Sit back day trippers and let the night sip on the laughter you give on. It takes the light radiating from that smile and converts it into an energy of expectations. Hands touch skin and eyes touch lips in hopes of true contact. Silent observer is alone in the adventure of new lingering nights. The moon light hits those observed eyes and lets them see the honest beating of a heavy heart. Keep up with that heavy heart. No one can lift it anymore. No one.

I’ll come alive this spring. I’ll bloom if for no one other than myself. Maybe a little for you. I will shake off this dormant weather and I will warm us both under my sunlight skin. I will soak up this season and let my already tan skin deepen with history and celebration. I will wear flowers in my hair and dance to the mariachis. I will remind you that I was born in the cold but I thrive in this heat. I will come alive this spring holding the hands of my beautiful brown sisters and dance them down the city streets. With their braids down their backs and their heritage in their eyes. They will come alive.

deep sleep dreams
Consist of you… i tried so hard to fall asleep with thoughts of something new but here we go…. changing again. leaving behind the old attitude to find a better one. here she is. summer samber… and i hope your happy because this girl has four hearts begging for her attention. im giving it to him. to the one who wants it not the others who need it. But my God do i wish you wanted it. i wish you wanted just me. big brown eyes glisten wth a smile at the thought of you and your love. so hurt.

“were concentrated im falling apart.”
this simple reminder is a brutal desire breaking my spirit consuming your eyes eating us alive. i see your heart and you see mine the desire is inside burning us blind. into the air and exploding the molecules we divide our mind. let me assume im full of lust your honest distrust shall contradict my lies. i will hide in this unsteady time waiting to bide for more life. life i desperately need to heed for so i can breathe. the essence of naive capabilities is surrounding our lives without when within me. im alive in these arms torn from scents of stimulating continuating downfalls.

Dec.22.09 midnight. the answers are all so complicated but all i want is for you to bring me your love tonight. to come and lay where you belong. im not at all alright, maybe i’d be okay of you came home. came to claim your heart in my hands. oh this is hard to put in a box and hide in my closet. i bet anything if i let your love overwhelm me i’d burst. im unraveling in your words. without you by my side i cant even close my eyes. sleep takes me to the scariest places. places you dont exist. the places i enjoy are the places where you want me. not where you need me. i’ll let your words mix up my already lost mind because its easier to not try. maybe it will be hard no matter what. i long to be in your arms consumed with beating hearts of summer. simple gestures your spilling out with lies of truth. i would do anything if i could lose myself in the moments you have given me. your steady breathing would be the only tempo we’d need your words the only music i’d need to be content with the song of you and i. my words seem so unorganized with you influencing them. bring me your love tonight. maybe just maybe ill be able to sleep… but then again probably not. i’d be to afraid you’d leave.

the last few entries.
skeletons.
“have you ever been in love?”
“once.”
“was it everything love is supposed to be?”
“nothing was right.except summer. but him and i were a complete mess, constantly searching for answers. it was beautifully wrong.”
bright rays of sun peek through my memories highlighting your porcelain features.
your nothing more than an image in my teary eyes. i swear to god i can see my past unraveling right in front of me. such a beautiful light you are. giving me hope. life is nothing but constant ideas of events we havent had running into one heart.
fingers dancing over moonlit skin tracing the pattern of a body goose bumps and sensitive touches.tangles in my hair moving curls away from bright eyes, lacing bodies into one another fitting perfectly into warm skin.

You become messier and let the nights events take a toll on your tired body.
I can feel your exhausted spirit finding refuge in my friendship.
I will carry the weight that you cannot sustain.
As you drift into a place of drunken words I let my heart ache for you.
I ache for you to find a spirit who will love you like I do.
A shoulder willing to take this weight off of mine.
A hand who isn't afraid of the power you yield.
You are more than just weary eyes and a strong core.
I want someone to soothe the hollow guilt in your tired mind and let you drift in and out of a peaceful idea.
You deserve to feel the overwhelming passion of life burning underneath you like the heat of a southern summer.
It is such a shame that the only life you seek is in an emptiness of a fake smile and easy eyes.
You need to find the eyes that radiate expectations we all know you can reach.
Eyes that see the love and the beautiful smile that crosses your face when genuine laughter spills from your pores.
You should be able to drown a long day in the steady arms of someone who wants to hold your lazy body.
Someone who can only dream of kissing your beer tainted lips after a night of excitement and youth.
Leave behind the past that writes a sorrow in your heart and find the place that so many of us crave.
A place I once visited in naive attempts at life.
Find consumption.

You had a chance to love me too.
Clean me up and make me new.
Shake me hard and make me empty
You had the chance to completely rid me

Of all that love that'd come before
And all the love that could've been more.
You had the chance to make me a wife.
We could've had a simple life.
Migrate like birds with seasons changes,
Worry about babies and floral arrangements.
But instead of filling me with your love so new
You decided to do what the better man should do.
You watched me fall for another man.
He shook me hard with both of his hands.
And when the past loves fell out of me and I took account,
The love I had for you, had too, fallen out.

I want you to make art out of me.
Make me turn into brush strokes and texture.
Touch me and color melt me.
Paint me and smear me.
Turn this blank canvas into explosions of color.
Let me explode and create the best pieces of art in history.
The Mona Lisa has nothing on me.
I am a one time final draft in literature.
The words perfectly aligned with my lines.
Every word you speak falls into me and I'll be your first novel.
The only best seller you'll have.
Break my bindings, break my lips, with the words you force into them.
Write me down write me slow.
I am classic literature honey.

I can no longer feel you crashing into me.
As the weather starts to bring in sweet mornings and lovely nights I wonder where you are.
I can't find any scent of you left behind on my sheets.
Your shirt has lost all reminders that you ever wore it.
It was a simplistic summer of ideas that consumed me in you.
Now nothing is clutching me to your chest.
I am no longer riding shotgun in your car with your hand holding my head as I fell asleep.
I cant feel you anywhere.

Late nights, car rides, and nervous eyes.
Tell me why I see you so clearly in the night…
You will always shine in the light I have made for you
even when that light wasn’t so bright.
Shaking hands and indecent gestures
your laugh consumes me.
A friend from now and a friend until then.
The lights shine from me to you
I remember the days of unknowing truth.
Show me those old times with new smiles and livid ties.
I see you in the ambiance you have created
this night and all the others I am elated.
You are the only sense of happiness on dark nights
Forever you and I kick it from great heights.
I am feelin’ you
in all the wrong ways and
summer’d out days.

with more strength than you have ever known.
Meditate with more patience and concentration your body has ever seen.
Find a spiritual haven within the temple you have been given.
Breathe out all of the worries into sweet release and inhale the new energy the world has given you.

Cut open my finger tips and no blood will run. Just the words that have been trapped at the surface of my skin for years. The words of trauma and anxiety. The sentences of my ancestors and the words in Spanish that I cannot spell or speak but somehow know. The paragraphs of my intellect and my desires for growth and exploration. My stories of these people whom without I'd have no love to let flow. The novels. That without I'd be incomplete. Just waiting to feel fulfillment because I'd never know I could create it. Cut open my fingertips and no blood will run.

all the walls
I am honestly influenced by music and words they draw to me the same feeling of unending bliss as do my dreams. Within these feelings I find no other feeling other than this love to be compared easily. My dreams for me give me perpetual strength to build onward with the soul captivating ideals i so seemingly enjoy creating. The words I hear and the ones who speak them have never impressed me so i find that wonder in the eyes of this beholder. I take these eyes and make them see the beauty for which only my dreams perceive. I bring it alive and I dance with it under forests of dim light. I write and I write because I will always escape this world somehow even if I have to to tear down all the walls.

capture the night in our hands and squeeze until the stars explode all over our skin. Splattered with the universe we shine with the brightest galaxies in a mess of black holes and nebulas.

on a highway of mislead youth with a direction of simplistic minds. Driving towards crisp air on a complicated night we revel in the idea of our youth and its consumption. Taking me on an intergalactic adventure where the stars eat our hearts and the Blacks roll sweet smoke. A spliff blows lost minds into straight highs with red eyes between dizzy lights. Your eyes dart in unknown directions like the wheel to the left and a lovely sigh on the right. It is love it is a mess it is corruption at its best. I find my time based on the sign of red lights. We are so close to summer and the beginning of our next plunder that we sit spinning far into words of another so perfect they come alive between our fingers and kiss our skin with the promise of another chance. Constantly swaying to the beat that shakes underneath us and rattles our hips like those boys do our lips and we fall into a place that has set the pace for our transitioning moments.

this is why i still sleep in.
you’ll never get enough of the ending.
the sweetest downfall is all you can ever want in your life. you complain im too involved and now your convinced.
this never happened.ohh we never happened.
why do you drift so far from the heart that once loved you so much? the heart that still wants to love you but is pushed so far from the shores of your pulling tide.you threw out my best days like they never existed.but the love is splattered across your soul like rain that fell over our skin.
“i dont care about you now…your not mine”
we just fall so far away from the good days that meant the world to me. the days that im sure meant the world to you too. it was all for you. all the effort to make you smile all night.
the conversations are now so meaningless and everything is different to you but to me nothings really changed. im still a piece of me for a piece of you. waiting for the honesty. waiting for the conversation to even begin.
and i know that i was never safe there but i did nothing to get away because we all know im not the responsible type. i just wanted to hear your thoughts.and i hoped they would include me. but you’ll never hear from me again because i started missing you the next second. so no more pressing ears to hearts to listen to beating.
“come back on the weeked forever. cuz you dont mean to shake that way.”

who loves me. He loves me in the morning when I am still shaking sleep off my exhausted body. He loves me as I tip toe to the bathroom to wash the night from my skin. He loves me as toothpaste falls onto my shirt and I continue with an uncaring agenda. He loves me as I toss clothes across the room attempting to look decent for no one other than myself. He loves me as I toss on running shorts and a shirt with gym shoes just because I might at some point decide to go to the gym. He loves me when I change the song 100 times while were on our way to the craft store. He loves me as I drag him through aisles of baked goods because I think I can make a hobby of this. He loves me as I spend money I don't have on things I don't need. He loves me at the end of that day when we are eating the messiest foods and I act like a child making a mess. He loves me while were in the shower. I know this because he washes my hair and doesn't mind me spilling exhaustion over to him. He loves me as I poor myself into the bed far too early and he has to tickle my back as I slip into sleep. He loves me for these things and I love him for these things.

I don't want more. I don't need more. I can't ask from anymore from you. No more attention and no more time. I don't want more.
I don't want less. I don't need less space between us. I don't need less distance between us. I don't want less.
I am fine right here. A safe distance from you. I can't hear you speak and I can't feel you radiating. I can't talk to you and I can't touch you. I can't imagine the way you spill truths onto me and the way you can cover me with lies. You cover me so well I'm sure.
I am here at a safe distance where I can only think of the ways I would love to love you again. So new but so similar. So unafraid and bold. I am afraid of how fearless I am with you.
This is why I am fine right here. So far from you but wanting to be closer.
I will lie to myself about this space I say I am okay with. I don't want more of you and less of life. More of your words touching my skin and less of this clothing.
More moonlight dancing through fingers and less moonlight dancing through us.
I don't want more. I don't need less.
But I am sure that every lie that spills from my mouth is soon to be covered up.

I didn’t mean to be born with tragedy in my blood but I can’t help the molecules that make me.
I didn’t mean to be such a writer but I can’t help the way the words flow.
It is these unequivocal notions that continually go.
They lead to a deeper meaning of the heart and soul.

I may not remember the days I had the moments; but I can guarantee I won’t be able to forget those moments. Bittersweet heart breaks and tan skin. Soft lips and sweaty hands. Summer nights and Winter days. I share seasons with these people. I share parts of my life with these people. Each one a beautiful page written by my own hand in a leather bound book.

I remember exactly where I was the first time I heard you play.
I was sitting in the Violins section and humming along to my favorite part of one of my favorite songs.
And then he asked you to play a part of that song and I prepared myself for little entertainment.
You picked up that heavy bow and settled that bass into your shoulder and you played measures I had never heard before.
You played with such ease and finesse I was almost sure it wasn't real.
You stunned the room and stole my heart and all you did was play.
That was the first time I heard you play.

We were sitting in a small group of selected musicians to play for a musical and you were there too.
I had not fallen in love with you yet but I knew I would soon.
You picked up your bass and played away and everyone was amazed at how you carried a tune.
My ex was there with his trumpet in hand and no words could be said, you knocked me dead.
That was the first time he heard you play.

You picked up your electric bass and calmly moved your fingers to a groove.
You were brand new and had no idea how to make people move.
Your hands played jazz like a well oiled machine and it was then we all knew we had seen all to see.

with a shaking hand and a loss of interest.
I sit in front of paper and my mind searches for inspiration only to be let down.
I am learning to ignore the world and pay attention to my mind and let it say what this mouth of mine has never found words for.

I am just a bruised and battered heart
with words that make lives fall apart.
No sentence structure or string of ideas
can communicate properly my ideas of us.
Spending moments of a beautiful life
wasted in decisions of strife.
To think that maybe I am not the best lover
is something that I few have had to discover.
I am not sure why these loves fail
but im sure it is not an old wives tale.
The answer to my problems is simple I know
but I am a heart that loves to never let go.
I have loved every heart that has noticed me
and they have loved me easily.
Maybe one day I will heal from my self inflicted scars
and own a love we can both call ours.

I hope you can forgive me.
I never meant to keep your shirts and wear them so casually. You thought I wore them with so little care. I didn't care that much.
I hope you can forgive me.
Your hat was just something I wore to keep these curls and the sun away from my face. You hated how that hat was such a simple luxury I never appreciated.
I hope you can forgive me.
You hated my nonchalant attitude towards all the things you thought were so important. I dismissed your discussions of music and life and I hope you can forgive me.
If I had let you see the way those shirts hugged my body with reminders of the summer nights with you I would have felt so weak. So weak if I had let you know that your hat was a sweet gesture to me of how you used to shield me from all the bad things in the world. I couldn't let you see me weak. I couldn't let you know I cared. I hope you can forgive me.

Can taste a hundred different lives when I kiss you. I can taste adventure, solitude, happiness, magnificence, royalty and all of the other lives we dream of when I kiss you. I can be any person of any origin in any country and culture when your lips graze mine. I can have any life I want when you put your lips on my forehead. I can be a queen or I can be alone in a novel or alive in a rainforest as long as we’re connected. I can also be me. I can be the purest and best version of myself when you’re kissing me.

I am honestly influenced by music and words they draw to me the same feeling of unending bliss as do my dreams. Within these feelings I find no other feeling other than this love to be compared easily. My dreams for me give me perpetual strength to build onward with the soul captivating ideals i so seemingly enjoy creating. The words I hear and the ones who speak them have never impressed me so i find that wonder in the eyes of this beholder. I take these eyes and make them see the beauty for which only my dreams perceive. I bring it alive and I dance with it under forests of dim light. I write and I write because I will always escape this world somehow even if I have to to tear down all the walls.

I want to feel like art.
Like I'm a statue dipped in gold and placed in a castle.
Or like constellations of stars that together make the Milky Way look dull.
I want to feel like I am not heaven sent but hell bound.
A weapon of perfection and destruction and chaos.
Touch me and you'll burn.
I want to feel like the ocean.
Never ending and mysterious and true. Like my waves and curves can consume you.
I want to feel like your dreams.
Morphing into anything you'd ever wanted. Barely there and you'll always be trying to put the pieces together.
I want to feel like art.
Like to you my skin is the greatest shade of honey and my hair a purple sunset. I want to feel like a masterpiece. That cannot be described in words. I want your paintbrush fingers to paint love all over me.
I want to feel like art.

that you could have done...
I did not expect you to return my call.
I did not expect you to follow through and show up with a nice girl ready to enjoy the night.
I did not expect you to stride through in confidence and introduce yourself to anyone.
I did not expect you to head to the keg and pour yourself a beer and claim a spot on the patio.
I did not expect you to stand next to me and make great conversation while I smoked and laughed with my friends.
You did so many things in one night that I never thought you would ever even acknowledge.
You played beer pong and I got high and you didn't mind because you too were quite buzzed. You let me stand next to you and you even made me laugh.
Of all the things I expected you to do, I did not expect you to be a new man at 2 am on a saturday night with my friends and good beer and good ****.

Dec.20.09
sentences formulated with words you’ve stolen from a writer better than you’ll ever be.
the sunshine reflecting off your skin with flecks of memories you used to carry so close to heart.

a setting sun washing away memories into colors of orange and red. words replacing a silence i was enjoying. the silence i always enjoyed. your showing me the only way out and im doing everything but taking it. today something changed. im pushing you into a part of my heart i no longer have to listen to.