I’m cheating on you
with your boyfriend
I’m cheating on you  
with your boyfriend
who you’re cheating on
who’s cheating on you
who I’m cheating on
with you
who I’m cheating on
with him
Does that make sense?
Does this make sense?
When I receive your Eucharist
when you pass my lips
is it strange that I taste him?
When his midday musk wafts under my nose
when he caresses my skin before entering my brain
is it strange that I smell you?
Is it strange?
Is it strange?
Is it strange that after years of cheating
in thought
want
and spirit
the first person I cheat on in action
is a cheater?

Who the **** am I like what have I become I’m high and it’s like I used to be someone else.


Pinky promise
Can’t break that ****


Apologize to A and B-girl and C

Everyone judging me big fear


It’s upsetting you know because I want that life with the beautiful friends and the all-night partying and the strange clarity you have while still drunk enough to have fun but I always go too far and **** it up I always crash so early and that’s just disappointing.

X is very sad. Y and Z are hooking up. Z seems cool. I would like to be his friend. He is nice. Sorry for hooking up with Y maybe?

Honestly what a nice guy apologize to him too

Why am I apologizing so much it’s ****** that I am so sorry about what I do.

Maybe I should stop saying sorry to other people and start saying sorry to myself. Because I create these situations where intoxication is the only environment where I’m confident but it’s always too much too fast and I crash. I’m sorry I can’t be alive for the whole evening. I recall bits and pieces and never the whole thing. It’s like I can make that high school awkwardness disappear but maybe it was that high school awkwardness that made it so valuable. Maybe I don’t deserve the confidence this has given me. Maybe I have to earn it. My anxiety has been off lately. It’s confusing and unexpected.
I need to stop saying sorry
I feel like such a loser
That’s the meanest thing you call someone.
Someone who never gains in the long term, who loses whatever small empire they build because they ****** up. It’s better to be an idiot than a loser because at least idiots gain some things. Girls like idiots. Guys like idiots.

I wonder about where I stand and who I am a lot

agony
at last
anger, fierce and friendly
envelops me in a seductive kiss
I wail, I shriek, I appeal
to the gods above that have forsaken me
this is terror
this is triumph
this is pain
this is pleasure
this is that and so much more
emotions cascading and crashing against my stony facade

I told him a bedtime story tonight
stood over him as he thrashed
mad in the throes of far away passion
                  wild in the warm embrace of jack and coke
he needed a happy story
so I told him one
about two beautiful princes
who fell in love
and saved the world
                                 what were their names?  
I told him their names
and he fell asleep, lost in dreams of a world
where two princes in love
would be a completely normal thing